You might be right about that, but that's assuming I didn't want the company in the first place.
[ Ugetsu could probably even hear the teasing grin in his voice from the text alone. If waiting bothered him he could have easily just got up and left already, but it didn't really. Not to mention, it was actually kind of a nice surprise having Ugetsu offer. ]
[ It's just that a really sappy thought came to mind and he just... didn't want to mention it. How would Ugetsu even react to him saying he wanted to share it with him specifically? Ugetsu would probably laugh or something. ]
[ He must have really caught Ugetsu in a generous mood today. He feels like he would normally tease the hell out of him and back before ever agreeing to sharing. It's kind of sweet... ]
[generous but not THAT generous...ugetsu's appetite leaves a lot to be desired even when he likes something unless it's a metaphorical appetite for the violin, in which case of course, insatiable. ]
[ He was teasing though. Ugetsu wasn't really the type to be openly sweet like that. In fact the only time he seemed to be was when he wanted attention and that was usually behind closed doors. Still, any amouint of teasing he could get off on Ugetsu was worth it, because he knew it'd come right back at him soon enough. ]
Maybe I should just eat it now while I'm waiting for you.
dully considering the fact that he'd walk faster than traffic is going, ugetsu's brows rise both surprised and amused at touya's reply. he wouldn't dare...would he? hm...]
You sure about that? With the way traffic is going, even if you drive right past me I could keep up with my walking.
[ He could almost picture the pout on Ugetsu's face right now, but it was just too amusing not to tease. Ugetsu didn't go out of his way to do these nice things, but it was pretty funny that the time he does, that's when the universe is like "hah suffer". ]
thank youuu it's not even that hot here anymore and im like T^T EXPIRES
[... he can't even argue that and is doubly incensed therefore. ]
Declining my company too, Kinomoto?
[ possibly touya can hear that text, the purposeful use of his family name sharp yet strangely playful still the way ugetsu is. it positively drips with ugetsu's particular brand of misleadingly dry perilousness. there is of course a right and wrong answer but he's soft on touya in ways he's not often with others. he supposes that's why they're having the exchange they are now.
then again, touya is soft with him in ways almost no one else is either, or well, no one else period anymore.
[ Perhaps Ugetsu has been a bit too soft with him, because when he gets teased by him in that testing tone (yes ugetsu's texts have tones shhh), it only makes him want to tease right back. ]
[ touya can probably feel the petulance rolling off of that statement, somehow always coupled with that not-that-i-Care vibe that ugetsu also implements on the regular.]
Traffic is moving again~
[ so hopefully he'll see him and his portion of the cake soon... ]
I guess I missed my chance to eat the cake then. Oh Darn.
[ He says as if he actually would have eaten it when he promised it to Ugetsu. He may like to tease, but unfortunately his heart is too disgustingly kind, and he wanted to see the look on his face when he ate it. (because he made it himself.) ]
[ when ugetsu pulls up he is in fact pouting, but he also doesn't look over at touya as he lets the car idle, ]
I am not.
[ that is what he says of course, even once touya has gotten into the car and if he still sounds a little sulky, well, he also won't acknowledge that either. apparently he's feeling especially bratty tonight, and because it's ugetsu, he's not sorry, but touya is probably expecting this. ]
[ He couldn't stop the grin pulling at his lips as he got up off the ground and moved to slide into the passenger side, cake box sitting right in his lap nice and secure. ]
[ for whatever reason, the drive to touya's is smooth and traffic-free. the universe is perhaps having a laugh but if he doesn't acknowledge it then it's not true, so! but even without weird bottlenecks it still takes a little while, and when he pulls to a stop at the next red light, he smiles slightly. ]
Even when you tease, you're nice.
[ it's something ugetsu has been noticing more sharply lately and it sort of makes him want to slip out the back door of whatever this is at the same time that it keeps him curious. then again, touya draws out the nicer side of ugetsu ten times more than anyone else; and that's odd too. ]
Is that your way of saying you want me to be meaner?
[ he tilted his head toward Ugetsu, a playful smile dancing across his lips in return. Even if he says that, his "meanness" can only really go so far. ]
As if he could lose Aki that easily~ /making more icons for this
[It's all a tangled web, the music, the love, the passion, the pain, where one ends, and the other began blurred a long time ago. The music drew him; the love binds him, the passion and the pain rule him like the moon does the tides. It's a turbulent sea, a force that crashes intensely only once in a lifetime.
No matter the pain it causes, how does he walk away from that. How, when any other touch, any other lover can satisfy, but they can not arouse him this way. By merely inviting him to touch, calling him to a bathroom to lift him from a shower and yet he wants, craves Ugetsu more than if another had elaborately made ploys to arouse it.
It takes no more than a look, the way his hair falls in his eyes, his fingers draw the bow when he plays, and Kaji wants him, he wants to take that sound, claim it. More than that, he wants to save Ugetsu from himself, bind him to Kaji so that he can not let go of this world so quickly.
Even if he left, could he ever truly be gone. Would Ugetsu not be able to find a way to draw him back, has there ever been a time where it was not that way. Push him away, pull him back, find another lover, sleep in another bed. Yet always, therein in his bones is Ugetsu; he can taste him in every lover he takes. None compare, it leaves him wanting till these moments.
It is that exact thing that keeps him here, the absurdly tender touch, the violent fights, the passion, he can not let go of any of it, even as he knows much of it is his doom. Is it worth it, when Ugetsu is with him this way, yes, every second. Even if it all ended today, it would be worth it.
Because he knows somewhere inside of there is a part of Kaji that will forever be Ugetsu's. He does not want Kaji to tell him he loves him; he does not want him to need him as he does, and yet he can not stand the thought of Kaji any longer feeling that way, and he knows it. There are times he is like this, and he uses it, reminds him with a calloused finger that swipes to claim hip bone. A soft release of breath as touches from Ugetsu arouse him, arching up to remove his shirt in a swift move.
It's all too much and never enough at the same time, he wants it to end, he wants it to continue. He wants to go, he wants to stay but even if he goes, it never truly ends because if Ugetsu were to continue to self-destruct, Kaji would have to return to him, he is too engrained in who he is now ever indeed to turn away if he is in need.
For now, he indulges as long as Ugetsu will allow him, lowering himself back to those touches, finding the sensitive spots along Ugetsu's bare skin with those large hands, so careful with the delicate beauty beneath their touch, it's as if he is adoring Ugetsu through his skin.
At the same time, he dips his head, finding the soft pulse in Ugetsu's throat he closes his teeth over it, dragging along the skin before trailing his tongue over it, a tease, a taste, a touch, a slow build-up of the intensity that has always been their norm.
For others, love may be weightless; for them, it is crushing, devouring, and it comes across in the way they systematically break each other down, only to build up again and lose themselves in that soul-shattering passion that they can only find with each other.
gluttons for punishment...these two honestly.... /has...so many...yet never enough?!
[ the first time akihiko held him, ugetsu thought he might cry. it was alarming. it was liberating. it was everything. but ugetsu has known from a very very young age he is not meant to have 'everything'. he has chosen music, for better or for worse, until death do us part or so the story goes. why not both? he's sure he has been asked this by one night stands who cared a little more and also one night stands who wanted to care less, all of them asking the same silly thing: can't you love them both? "how stupid" he has said to them. of course he loves them both. of course he would cut himself open for the perfect sound of the bow gliding the heart just as it does the string. of course he would rather die than not feel these things. of course.
but to love both and to possess both is not the same at all.
those who've been irrevocably in love know it.
you can't stop knowing or noticing once you have.
some kind of hell.
but maybe that's accurate.
ugetsu is a burning sort of creature, born in summer yet suited to the changing leaves of autumn that flame and smoke away in their little manmade huddles. ugetsu is not the fire but he is the thing that catches fire, is the inextinguishable greed of that which begs and commands all in one fell swoop: devour me whole or not at all. there's that cliche, the one about not doing anything by halves, and it suits murata ugetsu within a centimeter's shard of his life.
if asked, he would give akihiko the season of spring but not the way most people think of it. spring has, with global warming, brought untold storms and the beautiful flowers drown before they can truly bloom but it doesn't change the fact that they were there; they existed. akihiko exists too: the violent storm and the beautiful flowers and the wide open sky that probably one day will be his in the hands of another lover who knows how to treat him better.
spring and autumn never actually touch.
it stands to reason that if an impossibility such as this were to occur, the world must be upside down, and so, perhaps they are.
akihiko bites into him and ugetsu fists one beautiful hand in his short hair as if to say: harder. because with akihiko that is always ugetsu's demand, his desire, his plea even if he'd never admit it with that name. even when he sleeps with other men, even when objectively they're rougher and borderline violent, it doesn't do anything much for ugetsu because they don't mean it. akihiko means it: the love and the resentment both, the feelings with broad callused hands that adore and worship and the feelings with teeth that could bruise or rip out a throat in turn, given the right motive.
no one, after akihiko, will ever be enough.
and because it's ugetsu, it's possible not even akihiko is enough but that's an old fight for an old song that isn't even theirs anymore.
but even if the song isn't theirs, the dance might be and even sounds can be movements as any good musician knows: ugetsu's moans, the way he leans in and arches towards every single glance of akihiko's fingers or his tongue or his teeth, all of this is part of it, and all of it is only for aki despite the number of people they both know ugetsu has used to try to push him away.
maybe that's why it hasn't worked; because of course akihiko knows.
akihiko was the first to know ugetsu and perhaps he will be the last.
ugetsu wouldn't mind. it feels appropriate.
mine, he thinks with a sigh that's a thousand broken gifts and house fires they never truly intended to fix or put out to begin with, one hand still tight in akihiko's hair, the other clutched so hard at his waist there will be bruises and little red crescents for his trouble. ]
that they are and I love them ...I am already thinking I need 300 150 is not going to be enough ><
[Some part of Akihiko had to know from the moment he put his arms around Ugetsu he would never truly possess him, he also knew that no matter where he went in life, what he did, he would never stop trying to. It's like the thinnest thread, but unbreakable, it is in the way it binds him to Ugetsu. Strings can be broken but not this one, this one threaded through him as he saw a young man play with a passion he never knew existed, watched him swim in emotions so crushingly deep it looked as if they would bury him under their weight.
It embedded, dug in when Akihiko put his arms around that young man when he let fingers pierce his skin because he could not resist, can not, in some ways does not want to resist trying to burn himself into Ugetsu, to drag him from that swirling abyss he seems to sink into and clutch him to himself. To use the turbulent rains of spring to douse the fire of Autumn and let Ugetsu bloom, but he did bloom, or he blossomed too soon, Akihiko does not know anymore.
All he knows is that he loves the burning autumn bloom, and he can never stop. Rather it brings his destruction; rather, it is his hell; the love consumes him, and more often than not, he is its willing victim. He does not want to find himself in the hands of another lover; he wants Ugetsu, unabashedly even those who have taken him to try and love him over these years have known it, he does not hide it.
Maybe this is why they are so turbulent, what would their lives have been if not for the intertwining of two impossible seasons, a thunderstorm of spring against a burning autumn fire, crashing, burning with no way to go back. Harder the hand says and harder he gives, leaving his marks now against the soft skin covering Ugetsu's body.
Everything about them is a contradiction at times, a plea for harder from rough fingertips in his hair, a loving touch as broad hands warm skin they have known a hundred times yet craves as he did that first time. Teeth that finally give, bleeding some of that resentment locked inside of him for the pain they have inflicted, bringing it to physical manifestation.
Each of them leaving their marks, if there is another lover in the next days, they will know the claim of mine always burned on Akihiko's heart now burned into his body in the shape of fingernails, his left on Ugetsu in the form of a bite meant to cause pain, meant to cause pleasure in the way only they can.
For Akihiko no one will ever compare, he will try, with the way they push and pull it will happen time and again but inevitably he believes he will be drawn back to a shadowed basement that holds memories of a sunlight practice room within its walls and his first love, the one his heart called to from the first meeting.
Rather, he is enough or not, only Ugetsu can stop him from trying to be, from moving lower, marking claims with teeth across collar bone, done to chest where a soft bud is caught, tugged, teased, loved but not with a gentle hand, it's with that passion that Akihiko once used to play the violin. If the song can not be theirs then he will lock Ugetsu in this dance as long as he can.]
LMFDSKJDS YOURE MAKING ME WANT TO RE-VISIT HIS MUCH FEWER PAGES & DO MORE LLLFMDSL
[ one of ugetsu's flings once commented that the softness of him was strange and when ugetsu asked why, wreathed in smoke and dark pitiless eyes and half-distraction, the man had the nerve to pinch his cigarette for himself, and simply say after a moment: because you're not soft. ugetsu had laughed and left his very lovely flat with the notes of his upcoming concerto in his head and a shrug of carelessness in his general movement as if to say: well of course not.
a lie detector and the world's best psychic might have a better time of getting to the real truth of course: ugetsu is soft and he is not soft. ugetsu is music and he is the dead silence of the sky bleeding blue down into his dark eyes saying: you are just waiting to become a part of me aren't you? ugetsu is the rain and he is the moon and he is the eight-span-crow and he is just a person. fallible. flawed. borderline fictional with his warp and weft of lies micro-stitched with truths he no longer can differentiate from.
for example, this: i love him to death.
akihiko uses his teeth and his hands the way ugetsu requires: mercilessly.
once, in one of their more recent arguments, akihiko grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise and ugetsu slapped him hard enough to split the skin under his eye even with his short well kept nails and the words spat back and forth weren't new at all. but ugetsu remembers some of the repetitions more than others.
"i'm trying to help you!"
"i never asked for that!"
and the thing about ugetsu is, as far as both of them can probably tell?
he never will.
someone once posited that ugetsu could be bleeding out on the floor with a fully charged phone at hand and he wouldn't use it.
they weren't wrong.
there is a fine line between daring life to leave him and living life to its very edge.
ugetsu might not know any other point on the map.
when they are like this though it matters maybe a little less or at least can be ignored in favor of the painful bow of ugetsu's body, the arc of his back as if to press more of himself into akihiko's mouth, his tongue, his teeth, the shivered heat of his exhales and any sounds he might mete into ugetsu the same as a song would do. because as much as aki gives him like this, like this, ugetsu will swallow it all, will open up just to pull him down. over and over. his legs hook up against akihiko's waist, a premature motion as akihiko lost his shirt but not his pants; sounds like a you problem, ugetsu thinks with wild humor and draws his hand down to akihiko's nape where he curls tight and meaningful. the other falls into the sheets easily enough, twists in the contrasting cool of the cotton there.
a few times, just to irritate him, ugetsu suggested akihiko stick around when he had someone else over. predictably, akihiko never did. but if he had he might have learned a few things, not the least of which is this: no one unravels ugetsu quite like akihiko. sex can be fine enough and often it is. ugetsu tends not to say no if he likes their face or -- more rarely -- their sound. but the supine arch of his body and the near desperate breathlessness and the moan that's as inherent in ugetsu's voice as it is in the tremble of his fingertips like akihiko is only so many strings -- these are only for him. the others don't care enough, you see, to hear or see him the way aki does.
probably no one ever will.]
Ahhh...ha... [ his laugh is stolen summer heat and yet he wears it well, the lilt like the curl of his smoke and the pause of his violin practice when it rains. ] ...I wonder why.
[ he doesn't finish that thought out loud but maybe akihiko can tell.
i wonder why you always give me what i ask.
and,
i wonder for how much longer yo will. ]
I have been doing that slowly over the days to make ones for our thread and future threads XD
[ooc: ran away to the woods my apologies again for the length of time this took to get to you.]
-------------------------
[Perhaps that is part of it for Akihiko he knows what Ugetsu is and is not, it's not that he does not see the humanness, the flaws of him, the deep darkness, the bright light, everything that he exudes, Akihiko sees it. In startling hues, it blinds him, binds him, and altogether seems to be the symphony that controls his life. As Ugetsu's sway rises and falls like the moon, Akihiko is like the tide, forever beholden to its call, answering, giving it what it wants.
It is giving Ugetsu what he wants, even if every part he gives can seem as if it will make him bleed. Perhaps he no longer knows who he is without the sweet torment that is this love, so lost under it that to feel another in his heart seems impossible.
Forever the question, the request, the need to save Ugetsu even as he knows, the other does not want him to. He is fighting what may be a losing battle, yet like the war-torn soldier, he continues, the beats of his heart his battle drum. The soft release of stolen summer as Ugetsu laughs are his war horn.
The soft exhales, whispers of sheets, sounds of skin, mouths touching, the perfect arch of that seeming delicate body that he may not know is only for him; they are his battle cry. The only way to feel alive for him is when it's like this. Marks, from fights, from lovemaking, from years of twisting into each other's soul, are wounds that he wears with a sense of desperation.
How many times does he return after one of those fights, after one of those taunts to stay, to see Ugetsu take what he wants from another lover, from another body? Because he can not stop himself, for Akihiko, there is no place far enough because Ugetsu is buried with him.
Legs around his waist, drawing him remind him he is too covered, it's nothing to undo them, a dance he knows as he has often become too engrossed in Ugetsu to think of things such as his pants till they hinder the feel of the other against him. It's a shift, a draw of teeth across skin as toes hook fabric and hips rise to shift his long legs free, kicking them once he does.
Still, his hands, his mouth, his teeth claim Ugetsu's skin, leaving a mark here, promising another there. Take other lovers it says, I know you will, but remember me. In some part of him, he wants always to burn himself into the violonist, wants any other lover he takes to fall short.
Because for Akihiko it is the same, where else can find this burning passions, the mixture of need, love, desire, hate, music, it's all-consuming, and when he finally sinks flesh to flesh into the hold of those legs it is all he ever wants.]
Because I can.
[Because I can't I can't let you go I can't hold on to you I can't stop trying to save you I can't stop loving you
The answer is as it has been, always, in some way Akihiko will belong to Ugetsu, and in truth, it will be no surprise to him that if always, he returns here to this place, to give Ugetsu what he wants, as he has ever done, even if it is the very heart in his chest.]
/im in love with the scene all icons of this sort are from sob so i just /uses them forever haha >>
[the only way ugetsu can be plainly honest is like this: bodies almost meanly crashed and collided together, the pale lengths of ugetsu's legs as much a chokehold as a lover's keen, his breathy half laugh twisted into staccato pleasure he only feels with akihiko even if he never admits it. and well, that's not very honest after all is it? but akihiko isn't stupid and they both know it; they know without excuses what they do to each other and they have never figured out how to stop despite the co-existing knowledge that it would be 'better' for them, 'healthier', 'less toxic' such are the words ugetsu's one-night stands use and perhaps - he imagines - akihiko's friends.
but friends? ugetsu doesn't want to be friends.
ugetsu wants akihiko to swallow him up and leave nothing left but the sound of their violin practice. ugetsu wants akihiko to leave him to decay because it's what he deserves. ugetsu wants akihiko to kiss him on the mouth the way the sun rises low like lover's hands across the ocean every day without fail over and over. ugetsu wants. he wants so much it hurts and it's unbearable and it makes him feel alive and wonder what it would be like if he wasn't. since he was a child he's been fascinated by the notion. the divide between life and death is so very small. perhaps that's one reason he's so enthralled with sato mafuyu, the boy who let summer help him live with his ghosts. but ugetsu knows that's different. ugetsu knows to feel responsible for a ghost and to become one oneself, well, those are incapacitatingly different things.
of the things ugetsu's body knows, there are only two he has hurt over and been hurt over and will yet hurt again: the violin and akihiko.
but even when it hurts, he loves it.
if akihiko loves him roughly, if he presses against ugetsu the way ugetsu has long been the thorn in the side of his heart, if he makes ugetsu gasp and moan his name the way only a soundproofed room can permit...if. it's enough. it's everything. ugetsu will hold onto it until akihiko truly walks away from him. maybe he'll have bloody hands at the end and maybe the blood will be his own and maybe that will be worth all of this too.
for the world, ugetsu plays perfect concertos.
for akihiko, ugetsu becomes the concerto and dares akihiko to stay skilled enough in love enough here enough to play him the right way. ]
Hurry. Aki...
[ as if they don't have all the time in the world.
well. that's true really.
they both know it even if they never say so.
theirs is a relationship that burns at both ends incandescent with a hundred feelings trying to speak over each other.
ugetsu loosens his legs to free akihiko , lets them fall open lightly against the bed leaving his not-boyfriend plenty of room. for one as lethargic as ugetsu can be, he's quite flexible; that would be the sex he has to thank for that, but no need to put too fine a point on it. his gaze is half-mast as he peers up at akihiko, long eyelashes dark and curling, irises improbably bright in the dark of the basement like some hidden truth. he's flushed, panting, the blush in his cheeks the same as in the hollow of his throat and even pink in the tips of his fingers, the sharps of his knees, his whole body supine beneath akihiko in an unmistakably wanton fashion because ugetsu has never been one for shame about this of all things. when he slightly twists his body it seems almost unconscious, the coy turn of his head that makes his hair fall just so, the minute backward tilt of it that offers up his throat again. only the way his hands slide to akihiko's waist gives anything away, matches up with his demand for him to hurry.
but as much as akihiko just gives to him, ugetsu also likes the part of him that denies ugetsu, a thing no one has tried to do before. especially he likes it in bed and he's not sure what that says about himself at all - that he'd rather die than beg anyone for anything if it's an everyday affair, but if he's strung out and trembling in bed with akihiko, well, he wants to be even more so - relishes any time he pulls on his hair or yanks him by his chin or pushes down on his throat just to make him shut up. because only akihiko would dare. it's what makes them such a good match and it's what makes them terrible.
you would never.
wouldn't i?
would you, ugetsu thinks with unintentional wistfulness.
sometimes he hears the song on the old man's radio and sometimes he hears brahms and sometimes he just hears and feels akihiko's voice in his skin. it doesn't matter what he says. ugetsu's body soaks up all of akihiko's words like a starving animal. because he's greedy for anything he'll give him, and even if more people can see it easily with akihiko, it has never made it less true for ugetsu.
the words are water droplets on parched lips, ]
Need you.
[ how convenient, a sad smiling part of him inside thinks: that in bed one can say that and it will be taken just for that meaning and no other.
even if there always, always has been more than one. ]
[Friends? He has bandmates, and all they know is he has a roommate, Akihiko does not hide who he wants, anyone who tries for more with him than a simple night in bed can not deny that Ugestu has his claws in deep, those hands of his may roam. Still, the piercing green eyes never see anyone else. How could then when he is yet indulged in these moments, where those slender legs that wrapped him for the first time so long ago still call to him like a drowning man to shore. The breathy laugh lacing through with the pleasure that only comes from their bodies, knowing each other is addicting; he's never been one to refuse what he wants.
And always, it's Ugetsu, try as he might because so many would say it would be better. It's only here, with those tiny knives of the past and those delicate fingers against his skin, ripping, tearing into his soul, and bleeding him out that he can feel alive. The irony that the very thing that threatens to consume him, ravish him and drown him is the only thing that awakens him. Akihiko knows this; all the wants, all the passions, all the fascinations with the notions of no longer being, they are all among the things that make Ugetsu irresistible and impossible to hold onto entirely at the same time.
As if it is any different for Akihiko, his body knows this pain, knows what will come later, once the passion is spent and the day to day life returns, what will come between this tumble into their desires and the next one. Because there will always be a next one, there is a part of him that believes even if he walks, attempts to move on, this place here. This song will be the one he can never stop humming, the one he can not let go.
It's not if he can, it's not if he will because he can, he will, he may make Ugetsu wait, make it drag out in the way the other drags him because if Akihiko in his love can play Ugetsu, the same can be said for Ugetsu, his fingers, his words, his skin, the taste of his lips are all that control Akihiko, even his love, the pain it brings, the pleasure, it is never if, it is how long can he hold back before he gives precisely what he knows is wanted. Because it is what he wants, they are no longer made for gentle, sunlit practice rooms.
They are darker now, soundproof basements where the sun can not reach, where no one or nothing can invade, be seen, or be heard, except the melody of love, pain, and pleasure they continue to play for each other.
One day maybe it will become if he fears and hopes for it all in one, but even then, can he honestly say that the temptation beneath him will be one he can forever refuse? Or will he only fade for a time before he is drawn back into this embrace?
Would he? He can not say. Can he? Yes, he could. Will you push till I do? Will, we both burn to oblivion and cease to be at the same moment, or will we burn till the tie is broken. The latter seems impossible; there is forever a hook, drawn with thread, leading to the other where another angle sinks in. Their hearts are as much one as their bodies even as they try to refuse it, try to deny it, and focus solely on the physical expression of words neither utter anymore.
I love you..
I always will...
Ugetsu knows how to tug his control, how to turn his head, tumble dark locks, the exact look in his eyes that Akihiko can not resist, his skin flushes in the way Aki craves, every inch of him is perfection and destruction in one swoop, the shamelessness is matched in his own body, nothing to hide, they know the deepest, darkest parts of each other.
And still, they both crave, perhaps they crave more because all they hide now are the very things that bind them, their hearts.]
Always so impatient...
[Tonight he is not going to cave, not yet, he is going to take the offered throat, his teeth, his tongue, his lips heavy, leaving their mark, letting the skin blossom with a darker color, the only way he can "claim" any part of the other and he is not going to pass it up.
His muscles shift, sliding, bunching, coiling in response to fingers that tease them, fingers that pull him closer, fingers which he pushes back against, as if to tell them, no, only to slide forward, body to body in a slow, teasing glide, promises of what's to come, of what he won't give till he is ready.
That he'll give it, Ugetsu knows, but he wants to hear it, see it, he wants to force every ounce of confession, of Ugetsu's need for him from his slender frame, then consume each of those needs and sate them as only he can.
In bed, it can, with another lover perhaps, with Akihiko, he hears the truth of it, the fact that keeps him returning, that draws him back ten steps for every two he takes away.
Need me, his touch demands, his fingers sliding into his mouth, two digits dampened, just enough, not more, not less, it can't be too easy, can it. His mouth wears that smug as sin smirk, his green eyes pierce into half-opened ones, they dare, they promise, and rather he wants them to or not, they love.
Always
Lips crash to lips, teeth claiming the top one with a nip, pinching as they let go, in the same touch, fingers enter Ugetsu, corded arms flex, bodies slip across sheets, skin to skin and lips become his playground for the moment, biting here, teasing a tongue ring against nicked flesh, pressing, tasting, taking from Ugetsu in the only way he will let him.]
[ugetsu's favorite partners who aren't akihiko are the ones who treat him so roughly he forgets, just a little, who he is and what he loves and what he really actually needs. ugetsu's favorite music that isn't found underneath his own fingertips is the kind suited to soundproof basements made for one earbud in one ear and one hanging homeless; instead of two shared, because some part of him knows this will probably be his future sooner than later and ugetsu is nothing if not a glutton for punishment. ugetsu's favorite taste that isn't being wanted is being revered the way his audiences do so often: wildly civil in their well pressed suits and beautiful dresses and expensive accessories but all with the same wolf teeth and hungry hands that are never ever allowed to touch him.
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
[Maybe that is it, Ugetsu can turn all his other lovers into nothing more than pleasure and a body, he can not turn Aki into that, there are too many marks, too much history. There is nothing civil, nothing hidden, the deepest, darkest, flawed parts of each full exposed beneath their skin, into the heart of who they are. Tangled by a mass of emotions, good and bad, they are like a whirlwind, and it sends them both spinning for the same reason and yet for different reasons at the same time.
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
[ they say 'don't fix it if it's not broken' about things that are good. and they say to fix it if it breaks. but no one has much of anything to say about things that have simply become weak points all over: here and here and here. everywhere. for aki, for ugetsu, whether they say it, whether they don't, theirs is the kind of touch that shatters even if every scattered piece has some love in it. broken is broken.
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]
Not at all. There's nothing wrong with 'simple' anyway.
[ ugetsu rather appreciates simplicity. there's a refined beauty to it. arguably even very complex things, if sound at the core, have a simplicity to them. for example, mafuyu's desire to take the stage again -- to say what he wants to say, to have it truly be heard; ugetsu can read these lines well enough -- is a straightforward 'simple' one. and yet it isn't. the intent, perhaps, but the nature of it is characteristic of a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle.
still he saw that puzzle come to a whole picture that first night he understood what mafuyu was -- the first live, the night he thought, ah i see. that kind of thing can't be replicated; it can only be created. everyone watching that night knew it even if they couldn't articulate it; the ones who reached for hands to hold or cried uncontrollably or made no sound at all; every single one of them.]
you don't mind getting punched in the face look i'm not gonna judge if you're into that kinda thing a lot of people are but there's an aftercare element to it that you seem to be missing
But I don't need them for anything else. Is it hard to believe I'm fond of a fight?
[ he doubts it, but he's curious even as he's not stupid enough to not notice how bad a habit he's formed. on the one hand he really would like to see mars and viola, and offer if nothing else, stable heating. on the other hand, even someone as self-involved as ugetsu can see the lines he crosses whenever he troubles someone like this. he doesn't even feel 'bad'. it's just he might at least know when to stop; maybe. ]
um yes and no yes because you're like really classy-looking when you play your violin but no because you've also got a really mean streak not that it's ever been directed toward me but your roommate gets it pretty bad sometimes but i still think you like him even despite that
Aki deserves everything he gets. But you're not wrong.
[ a minute later ]
On second thinking, don't go through too much trouble. I can manage on my own, and I still owe you for taking me in when I was locked out before.
[ it's sort of very bad when ugetsu starts behaving vaguely like a normal person who considers others but it is where he is right now, and he's too tired for his usual veneers. ]
you don't owe me anything i don't mind coming over ugetsu in fact i want to and viola wants to too she likes your hair a lot i'm bringing the first aid kit so just stay put do you think you need stitches or a hospital
[ probably with his new boyfriend, or, perhaps practicing the violin alone in a studio that isn't here. both are, in ugetsu's eyes, awful, so of course he won't acknowledge it. ]
ok we'll i'm gonna be there soon so i'll see you in a little bit ok? just text me if you feel worse
[ it takes him a few minutes longer than promised to get to ugetsu, viola tucked into one corner of his duffel bag amongst soft miniature blankets. also in the bag is the first aid kit. something about this whole thing just seems off, but ugetsu is... unique in many ways, and perhaps this is just another thing that he does. mars still worries, though.
the door is unlocked when he gets there, though he doesn't know if it was intentional or due to ugetsu being absent-minded. or too much in pain to notice. he makes his way to the basement, one hand gently petting viola as she peers at the unfamiliar surroundings in tiny kitten angst. ]
[ honestly he dozed off some seconds after mars' last reply and didn't therefore send one of his own. he stirs at the sound of the door however, blinking slow and unworried. even the house somehow is good at not being too inviting unless overt, so he has no doubt it would be mars. that's not fool-proof logic, but ugetsu doesn't care enough to be concerned. rather, he finds himself perhaps too selfishly pleased at the particular tone and medium of mars' voice in this space specially curated for sound in ways that appreciate even speaking better than most. from his spot sitting still against the counter's base, he smiles blithely and waves. ]
Hello. I hope you didn't have any trouble getting here.
[ he squints at the duffel, thoughtful. the ache in the back of his head made him a little nauseous before but that's ebbed off, and he supposes his inability to focus his eyes is residual from that too; the narrow edge of dizzy. well, that's why he's sitting after all; completely taken care of. or so he'd say. the swelling bruise on his face, threaded with jagged abrasions that came from tasteless rings, well, he wasn't lying when he said it doesn't 'bother' him. 'hurts' is almost a friendly word. he hasn't been thinking hard about anything all morning or night; it's pleasant.
though he does wish he could focus his vision better, because... ]
And hello to you too.
[ it's not that he can see viola; it's that he can't imagine she's hiding anywhere else on mars, though if she was that would be impressive on both their parts. ]
No. It was ok. Viola doesn't really like the train, but the vet gave her something so she's a little drowsy anyway.
[ ugetsu might think that he's "fine" and "taken care of things" but with one look mars can tell that that isn't the case. the bruise blooming on his cheek looks worse than he imagined with the little ring cuts, and with one look at his unfocused gaze tells him that he might have a concussion. ]
Hey. [ he sets his bag down and kneels by ugetsu, lifting his hand to very gently touch his hair. he must have hit his head somewhere, and — there, he feels a bit of wetness, his brows knitting together when his fingers come away with a little smudge of red. ] You definitely understated how bad this was. I think — I think I should take you to the hospital. You look like you hit your head pretty bad.
[ it is not exaggeration to say that ugetsu would rather do almost anything - including perhaps expire, vaguely, - than go to the hospital. now that he thinks of it, he doesn't even feel his words were as strongly barbed as they could have been. he's definitely been meaner to akihiko. that thought draws the corners of his mouth up in a smile that's somehow both gentle and disconnected, neither of which matters. ]
I'm better off here, with you and Viola.
[ plain as day, he could have written it in the air: I don't want to go and so I'm not going to. it's a difficulty to center his vision on mars; things around him move almost like visible ripples in the air, so he closes his eyes, still smiling innocuous as can be. ]
And it didn't feel that bad, but I probably stained his coffee table.
[ sighing once, he considers what else he could say but each intention sort of slips out of his mind as soon as it arrives. in his head there's always just the ghost of a concerto's aftermath and arguments he's had and arguments he hasn't had. in his head there are useless things taking up valuable space - sentimental facts about a too sentimental time. in his head there is a person named mars and a kitten named viola and the space they take up is perfect.
Me and Viola have pretty bad qualifications even if we combine our skills.
[ he's not sure he can make ugetsu do anything, because ugetsu is the type of person that refuses to be moved once he's made up his mind, but he can at least look after him. what was meant to be a temporary visit now seems like it might be extended into the night. at least until he's sure ugetsu can navigate safely on his own again. right now he wouldn't trust him to take three steps alone. ]
Okay, well... first thing we're gonna do is get you off the floor. [ it's a poor place to get proper rest, for starters. ] I can carry you to your bed. Pretty sure I can bench press your weight pretty easy.
[ it occurs to him that he should probably ask first, but since he's going to take him to bed no matter what the response, he decides to skip over it. gently, he slides his arm beneath ugetsu's knees and cradles him with the other, carefully lifting him off the floor. viola scampers after them, slightly off-balance herself. ]
Don't be mad at me, but you're totally banned from doing anything for the next twenty-four hours. Minimum. It can be extended. [ he makes sure his steps are steady so as to not jostle him. ugetsu is about as heavy as he imagined, which is not very. ] No phone. No TV. No screens in general. And no violin.
[ there's something in ugetsu that has this sense he should be offended at that, but he's surprised to find he isn't offended so much as dubious. he's about to tell mars he needn't bother, that he could do it himself he just was being dramatic and feeling sorry for himself; then mars scoops him up like a cat and ugetsu shuts his mouth for the first time voluntarily in probably Ever.
the truth: ugetsu was being dramatic and feeling sorry for himself. also the truth: he could not have made it to his bed on his own save perhaps on his hands and knees and probably ugetsu would rather literally die than do that. so. you know.
his eyes try to follow viola who's in their wake, her tiny kitten legs a-flurry to keep up, but it makes him dizzier so he closes his eyes only to have them snap open as his head jerks up to stare at mars.
there are just some words ugetsu isn't equipped to hear.
with aki, ugetsu will yell or even hit him. they'll fight until they're both bloody and bruised and equal parts love and the inability to apologize.
with mars, he can't do either of these things; he doesn't want to.
he settles for a lie he supposes mars can see through.]
I think I'd sound poorly right now.
[ he wouldn't. and when he's more coherent he'll try to anyway. but that's later, probably tomorrow in fact. ]
Hmm.
[ everything in the basement apartment is close together enough that the walk to the bed is hardly far, but ugetsu has enough time to get fascinated with the neckline of mars' shirt, absently picking at it, the focal point of his vision so narrow it's immeasurable. the fabric is soft, a word he associates with mars and certainly viola. his vision swims so he closes his eyes again. he's reaching a point where he doesn't feel the cut on the back of his head or its bruising, and not the one on his face either. everything is delightfully blurred except for the way mars carries him -- careful, like he could be protected from himself.
[ if he ends up having to physically wrestle the violin from ugetsu's hands tomorrow, he wouldn't be surprised. "no" is only a part of ugetsu's vocabulary when he's saying it to other people, not when people someone tries to use it on him.
it's fine. it'll be fine.
very carefully, he lowers ugetsu onto his bed after pulling the covers back. he quickly fetches a towel to slide under his head, then scoops viola off the floor to set her down beside ugetsu, where she explores the blankets before climbing up ugetsu's leg. ]
I'm just gonna clean you up a little. This is gonna sting.
[ mars is busy with the first aid kit, pulling out cotton pads and some gauze. he's cleaned up his own cuts and bruises enough times that it doesn't bother him, but he's still gentle as he dabs a cotton ball soaked with alcohol against the cuts on ugetsu's face. they'll heal, though there might be a bit of scarring leftover. he's more concerned with the concussion, and he's even gentler when he slips some damp gauze behind ugetsu's head, cradling him carefully. ]
Do I look like one person or two? [ hopefully not more than two. ]
[ highly probable, and the saving graces if one believes in such things will be that 1. ugetsu won't want to damage the violin and knows he's good at breaking things not putting them back together; and 2. ugetsu will be too ill to argue the way he might have. not knowing that though, he submits himself suspiciously docilely to mars' attention. well, maybe not so suspicious; ugetsu does like attention though not in the way he's garnered it for himself over the years. he doesn't mind the audiences but sometimes he thinks they even listen with their eyes and that...bothers him. to what purpose is it in coming to a violin concerto only to half-hear?
often he thinks he should feel anger; but privately he just feels sad. then he feels neither and smiles and waves and says thank you and life goes on. it's nothing.
the hand ugetsu turns palm up is a gentle offer for viola who noses his palm before turning in two circles and experimentally pressing her paws just against the bedding next to his hand. he smiles and it turns into a flinching wince nearer the end of when mars is tending his face. but he blinks and ignores it otherwise, much more fascinated by how gentle mars' hands are. he's careful. ugetsu thinks he's probably well versed in this having had to take care of himself for so long, and that ugetsu himself is reaping the benefits is sort of bittersweet. he knows he doesn't deserve it but he's also the kind of person to keep taking what's offered.
eventually, he'll fuck things up. that's almost a certainty.
but for now he has the privilege of mars and the much preferred personal first aid over any hospital. the cautious but deliberate touch to the back of his head hurts but of course it hurts. ugetsu's languid smile doesn't budge as his eyes flit up and he considers the question. ]
One and a half?
[ mars almost looks like a time lapse. ugetsu can hear the music that would play and it has nothing to do with what they're doing right now so much as the particular curves of mars' eyes and the soft set of his mouth, the sort of sad fear he remembers from when he stayed in his apartment, and this even quieter resilience that manages to care about people who haven't ever earned it. it doesn't say enough to call a song that belongs to someone sad or happy or lost or found.
if mars had a song, ugetsu thinks it would trill well under his fingertips and the fine clear cadenzas would ferry in different weather the way the sky does: blue days are clear knowing they won't always be.
how lucky, ugetsu thinks, to meet a day aware of himself. ]
But I know there's only one of you, so that counts, I think.
[ medical experts say: no.
ugetsu: does not care.
viola: has taken up camp on just the bare edge of ugetsu's palm, her tail flopped along the instep of his wrist. ]
4 from the TFLN prompt...post break up, drawing him back maybe?
[ telling aki what's going on means a straight answer, which ugetsu never gave many of anyway even when they were doing well, much less broken up for such an amount of time now. but more than not being a very honest person, ugetsu also isn't stupid; if he gives akihiko an answer then aki has the opportunity to not care or to care, to keep talking to him...or not. how loathsome and annoying, ugetsu thinks with brittle calm, to care so much still. how troublesome. how pointless.
[Never, not once did he, even when he broke up with Ugetsu did he stop caring. Here he sits, with everything he thought he wanted, heart secretly aching for this.
Why? He can not say, except, the text, it may not be honest but it's Ugetsu reaching out and like a desperate man Aki can not stop from stretching his hand out to him.]
/SHAKES THESE TWO WITH BOTH OF MY HANDS....i Love Them
[ not strictly speaking true. it's ugetsu who never replies usually, or almost never. tonight he's feeling especially bitter though. or sad. or neither. he decides: let's call it neither. he doesn't feel anything. he isn't hurt. not really. except for the hit he took to his head a while ago that hurts and maybe there's blood or something or oh well oh well, except the problem of the broken plate he didn't pick up and wasn't going to use anyway, except except except. the drinking, perhaps, is negligible. or it isn't.
if ugetsu were a piece of playground equipment, he would be a seesaw inhabited by ghosts.]
Seriously? You don't respond. Are you really injured?
[ Where Ugetsu is drinking, deciding he feels nothing. Aki is restless, discontent. The grass is not so green on the other side? Or it is, but it's not the same grass that prickles his skin. Why, even in this, is there a magnetic pull, an urge to move, to go to him. It's not as if there are any real words here saying Ugetsu wants him back.
There are no words from Aki saying he wants to come back. But the restlessness tells that even after saying the words to tend what they started in high school, some part of him is still hooked.]
[ he is. he very much is. but somehow, that's not the point to ugetsu.
in a fit of impulsiveness, ugetsu hits the call button and it rings only once before he ends it just the same. the place he's curled up on the floor feels cold and a little wet. he must have dropped something else too. it's sticky. the wine? he's been warned against himself enough to know better but he never listens. and akihiko is right of course; he never replies, never puts forth the follow-up even though he'd love to prove he could.
some part of him, some part of him very much like the part when they first met and akihiko slid his arms around him in that music room, understands: you waited for him to let go, so why don't you do the same?
i can't, he thinks and it's so weak and vulnerable and stupid. ugetsu has, lately, been having a hard time with music too though he hasn't said so to anyone, hiding in this basement where nothing ever changes. the only thing that changed, once, was when someone left; probably for their better. he can't blame him after all he himself did to make sure akihiko would.
[It comes as three separate messages. Then his phone rings; by the time Ugetsu is hanging up, Akihiko answers, only to hear that sound. He can not hide his face falling, as if he anticipated hearing that voice on the other end.
He wanted to hear it.
Akihiko believes he can, has always thought he could follow-through, ever hoped, expected one day he would follow through with him that they could both learn. Could they still? Does he want to?
He left; he's supposed to stay gone. But, he misses him. He's worried about him.
He still loves him.
That is why this all rips into him, opens him up like a book, and has him reaching even if only toward his phone. Pressing the call button, Akihiko lets it ring.
Does he want him to answer? Yes. Does he need him to? Yes. Even if it is not what is best for either of them. Maybe the time apart is enough, can he go home.
Bitterness slides through his veins. Home. A soundproof dark basement where even now he imagines the worst, Ugetsu sprawled on the floor, bleeding, finally letting go of this world, and reaching out to Aki is his last goodbye.
Please answer....]
poor akihiko....ugetsu shaving years off his life even before they collide properly
[ugetsu considers not picking up, because of course he does. ugetsu considers reaching for the puddle of spilled wine and glass and running his hand through it the same as the surface of the ocean where self-inflicted danger says it would be easy. ugetsu considers akihiko, considers aki in all the places he remembers him best and the one that's clearest sharpest warmest in winter of all is this: aki with his hands cradling ugetsu's face after an accident when they were younger, kissing him between the eyes like a bullet that ugetsu would never ever be able to remove, asking him over and over and over if he was okay if he was really really okay and let's go home.
what ugetsu does not remember: how his own usually impervious hands couldn't stop shaking all that night.
his hands are shaking now too.
strange.
he lets the phone ring almost too long, committed to not picking up, when panic flares up again. he'd let it scatter a bit far before, so he has to scramble upright to pull himself over to where it is, fumbling and dropping it even as he hits 'accept'. he's not sure if the phone or his own body hits the floor first, but for the first few seconds of the call he says nothing. it's just the unsteady thinness of his breaths: shuddering in like they don't want to, splaying out because they need somewhere to go whether they're wanted or not; in, out.
in all his life, he's really only ever known two things: music...and aki. ]
That's... [ Do You need help? he almost laughs but he can't quite, coughs instead, sighs like he's already detached himself from the situation, which in a way, he has. in his voice there's the little tells of how it's been going: not well. though he did try at the beginning, threw himself into music unlike ever before until recently when music started to retract its arms and its affair and ugetsu...
well, he's here now. isn't he: the brittle quiet of his voice with the usual coy game it will probably die with, because if anything is ugetsu's last bastion it's his ability to lie to and evade the person who matters the most to him. ] ...that's what...they say.
[ that he needs help. that he's let it go too far. and he can't even argue, not really, so why bother? he's glad, at least, he got akihiko to call him, and he'll hear his voice, and maybe that will be that because despite all of this, ugetsu still believes akihiko has well and truly moved past him. it's just that, behind that 'scary' face, is a person who cares. anyone who knows aki, knows that.
ugetsu doesn't read into his concern because for as much sanguine strength as he puts out there, it's not because it's true; it's because he doesn't know what else to do. ]
[His heart is nearly beating out of his chest; the longer the phone rings,, the more panicked he becomes. It is as if he has no resistance; he rises. Moves to his bedroom and is shucking his pajamas with the phone tucked against his ear.
He is sliding the trousers up to his hips when the voice he thought he had heard enough, that he thought he had given up rings in his ears,, and Akihiko nearly fumbles the phone.
He draws in a sharp breath; his entire body freezes for a moment. That's
Then he coughs and like a tidal wave.. Akihiko comes to life, his pants are done, he's tugging a shirt over his chest while switching the phone from one ear to the next.
It's like a compulsion, he can not stop himself and nothing that Ugetsu does gives him any reason to. It's like he says I need you with the way he draws out the words. The words themselves, the long, paused silences, filled only by the sounds they make.]
Then ask for it, Ugetsu.
[Tell me to come home, tell me I can? Will he listen if he is not told, will he stay here where he stands now in his bedroom doorway, phone gripped tight in his hand, eyes wide with concern, worry ,heart stuttering in his chest]
What happened, where are you?
probably not...they are both gluttons for punishment it seems sob
[here is, arguably, the very worst of ugetsu. akihiko tells him to ask and he doesn't. akihiko does half the work for him and asks what happened and where he is, and ugetsu won't tell him. akihiko answers in the first place, and ugetsu wastes it the way he's so good at doing. not, it's worth noting, without understanding what he's wasting; he understands very well, just like every time he's pushed akihiko away before; he understands, perhaps, best of all and always will - this finite permanent part of akihiko that is the same as a classic song played for only one person.
they are neither the brightest venue nor the healthiest, but love still happened.
there was still music.
and it was good.
ugetsu blinks at the curiously blurry perception of his phone on the floor just a touch away from his empty hand and thinks that's very far away indeed.]
Nothing happened.
[ in all this time you've been away, nothing. absolutely nothing. even when they argued, there was probably a part of ugetsu that was almost happy. it's not quite 'glass half full'; it's more, a glass that almost fits in with the other glasses you have but not quite and you use only this one anyway and one day it breaks and the choice has been removed from your admittedly undeserving hands. something like that. for someone who calls other people fragile, ugetsu is no great reference for strength. he's just obstinate. it's different; and everyone who knows him knows that - everyone, being, of course, just akihiko really.
he wonders if he'll come. it's not like the door is locked and it's not like this place doesn't remember him nor the other way around; ugetsu is sure.
in a way, he hopes he does just so ugetsu knows he can still make him do it; in a way, he also hopes he doesn't, so ugetsu knows he's been properly declawed despite his best facades. either would do, probably. both are answers that might hold more finality than strangling himself to let akihiko walk away after demanding he do so, all those nights ago on a street made empty as if it knew there was no room there for anyone but the poorly timed love story, the hands that kissed goodbye because the mouths for once knew better. ]
Stop lying to me! ..[He stops, swept away already just by the sound of his voice for a moment Akihiko can do nothing but lean against the doorway to his bedroom. Here in this apartment, he got for himself; he is on his own two feet now. He was moving on, or so he kept telling himself, yet, here he is.
A choice in front of him, stay, or go. It is simple; He supposedly made that choice the night he let hands part without lips saying a final goodbye to each other.
It feels wrong for that to be it; somewhere deep inside of him, it’s as if he knew all along. The love that happened, it never stopped, still at this moment, it shivers across the line between them.
Even as Ugetsu tries to push him away and pull him as he has done for so long, it could be just yesterday that they last spoke for how easily this routine was established.
But now, he will not let it be this time. Not this time, he is more robust, he has become more than he was, he is playing again. He found his love for the violin, yet within those strings still wrapped tight around every sound he makes with the instrument, is ugetsu, even if he has denied this to himself.
He stops denying; he moves to shut off lights, grabbing his keys, sliding on his shoes. The decision was made before he ever picked up the phone. He should stop himself; he should turn around; he should hang up.]
It’s what you wanted to happen.
[Nothing, nothing has happened, because nothing has changed, those walls still know him, they even encase him within them in a way, and tonight, he can be heard over the line, obviously making his way to return to them.
More to return to the man who lives within them still. He is just going to see if he is okay, he rationalizes to himself. In his heart, he knows better.]
birthday text (high school still happy AU) -I will get the right icons here- backdated to 10/21
I had some things to take care of. Remember, the park at 4.
[there's only one person whose birthday matters to ugetsu -- not that he'd ever say it like that, but it's pretty apparent in his biased treatment of akihiko. even when he's mean to him, he's sort of nice -- at least as far as ugetsu behavior goes. the truth is, he's had a hard time figuring out what to get him for his birthday. he's never had to know how to shop for someone that you like or....or whatever.
someone you're afraid of being without.
'things to take care of' is just ugetsu standing with a silent violin in his hands, the bow still, refusing to say he wishes he was better at this but also still thinking about it. it never occurs to him that aki might just be happy to spend the special day together, that that would be enough --
[Since four p.m. is most of the day and he is currently spending his time just waiting. Because that is precisely it, he does not care about a present.
He just wants to spend time with Ugetsu; his parents did not even notice it's his birthday today, nothing new there.
He just wants to be with the one person who, even when he is mean, still cares, he wants to feel wanted, and only Ugetsu gives him that feeling.]
You can't miss me. It hasn't been that long. But sure.
[ not 'of course', and not 'obviously'. some time later, when they're 'not together', ugetsu will find it hard to remember this: how he let himself be...himself with akihiko, if only for a while. it will be hard to remember how he let himself be anxious instead of angry, hopeful instead of hateful, in love in love in love without end instead of the end the end the end. it will be hard.
today he thinks he knows already: that aki hasn't been remembered, and in a way that makes him feel powerful and he knows that makes him a bad person.
akihiko.
he's never wanted or allowed himself to want someone as much as the sound beneath his fingertips. ]
[Of course, Ugetsu can imagine the very smile that graces his face at the agreement. One day, these will be the knives that dig deepest because Akihiko will never be able to forget how it felt.
To be loved, to be wanted for the first time in his life. It's why, forever, there will be the mark of this very love on him. He knows it now and he will know it then, for now, he is basking in it.
Perhaps it makes Ugetsu a bad person feel powerful but in truth, he is a powerful force in this young man's life, he will remain one. Rather positive or negative, he is now and ever will be the gravitational pull in Akihiko's universe.]
/sends warm thoughts and gentle hopes your way that you are okay too!!! ;3;
[ ugetsu is: selfish, passionate, and more than likely missing a few screws or at least has a number of them quite loose.
ugetsu is also: in love. and when ugetsu is in love even his selfishness can be generous once every blue moon, or in this case, once every akihiko's birthday. so when aki makes it to the park at 4, there is the sound of the brahms that he first met aki beneath, and this one is more refined. neither of them has the ability to see the future, and all for the better perhaps; but ugetsu will never do anything like this again, for aki or anyone else, but the main importance is simply this: he did for aki.
he wants to be the only one for him and beneath his bravado and his sly smiles and teasing fingers, beneath the soft skin that so far only aki has seen and touched, there is a heart. it beats asynchronous to most other people, perhaps even to aki. but it understands time and it understands meter. it understands where the crescendo should be and also the fall. it understands even if it cannot say so.
this is what ugetsu's music, in its purest form, is truly for.
in the future ugetsu will come to know akihiko's weakness for him after a performance. at this stage, it's not as clear yet because when you're in love and not yet falling apart, everything feels like a weakness.
he doesn't open his eyes but he knows when aki is there somehow; he continues to play.
there is wine back at ugetsu's. there is a bracelet. but they both know: this is the real gift.
[Akihiko is far from stable, he feels too deeply, too raw, nothing held back. He is lonely, desperate for a hand to love him, a hand to touch him, even if at times it is less than gentle.
He knows the love he has found is selfish, but it is the light in a bleak world for him; with Ugetsu, the loneliness fades, music and sunshine are what mark his memories, what he will cling to in the years to come.
And Brahams, it will always be Brahams; when he arrives, he can hear it, his heart responds, his face, his soul is drawn to the sound. He knows it; it is the song that plays for him every day, every moment he has to be away from those fingers that can so delicately bring such beauty to life.
In this moment and for the rest of his life, he is sure, Ugetsu is the only one for him; there is no one he wants, no way he can imagine another holding his heart, not when it is held firmly in the other teenager’s hand.
This is all he could want, and as Ugetsu remains in the thrall of his music Aki is drawn in closer, inch by inch, till he is as close as he can get without interrupting the other’s performance.
Those eyes can not leave the other, can not see anything else, can hear nothing else, and there in his eyes when Ugestsu does at long last look at him will be his heart.
The ache echoes across the notes; Aki feels it in his veins, no matter that it hurts, he needs it, craves it, and only Ugetsu can give it.
His voice is one of love and awe when he utters softly.]
interesting. once again reminded why athletics will never be for me.
i expect those who don't do their research might have preconceived notions based on your height, but the taller they are the harder they fall, i suppose.
Basketball may not be for you, but does not mean you can not be athletic. You could do something like yoga, taichi, or simply jogging. Light exercise every day is recommended for a healthy life.
Exactly, and I'm usually the shortest player on the court. They learn soon enough there's a reason I'm considered an emperor on the court.
[ not keen on adding himself to that statistic, yet it doesn't bear saying outright. he'll keep his handful of bad habits more likely than not though their degree may vary here and there. ]
ah that would make enough sense. i don't think any of my schools have names other than their actual names.
[ ... not that ugetsu of all people would know, ugetsu with his tunnel vision and his 'there but not there' presence even when he's speaking with someone face to face. ]
Sometimes they're silly, but I like that my school has a reputation, and I represent the best of it as captain of the basketball club and student council president.
though i can't imagine holding such a logistical position myself.
[ it would be a mess but ugetsu never would anyway so everyone's safe from that hypothetical train wreck. not that the uni has one anyway, and not that he attends enough besides. ]
despite the cancelling of the performance, i can still play for you for the low cost of getting me out of this hospital.
[ to ugetsu the larger injury from the car crash was not his head wound (bandaged and just being observed now for signs of concussion) but the need to cancel the concerto and, on top of that, criticism for protecting his violin, rather than himself. not that he cares. he can't remember if akashi has any pull with hospitals or which ones but it doesn't hurt to ask.
the news has blown the accident out of proportion and even then some of the wealthier patrons are still asking if he's sure he can't perform. ugetsu's answer would be sure but his manager already made the press statement which was an emphatic no. ]
still, detaining me for another 48 hours seems overkill.
[ he's no medical expert of course and doesn't care to be nor to listen, but as he's got no choice, he's resorted to using his phone. he really does dislike the thing, but boredom whether due to travel delays or hospital incarcerations is a powerful thing. ugetsu's fingers itch for his instrument but that's carefully put away. he couldn't be allowed to play it in here after all. ]
It might seem like it, but I'm sure you would rather miss out on a performance or two than lose your ability to play altogether.
It's what I tell my team members when they're hurt.
[Mostly, it was the other Miracles to whom he had to tell this. The Kings on his team tend to be more aware of their limits. And he had been lucky enough to have only been over-exerted and had to sit out once.].
[ DISAPPOINTING but also not disappointing. ugetsu needs more reasonable and less unreasonable. since. he makes up the whole count for Unreasonable in his own life... ]
they could at least let me go home. if i'm lying around anyway.
[ but it's more or less ugetsu resigning himself to it, which in a sense, is a good thing. ]
i did ask and was denied. apparently it could disturb some of the other patients.
[ logically he does understand. but now he's been denied both the violin and jailbreak he's resigned to dissatisfaction. it's only 48 hours, and maybe it's lucky ugetsu isn't going to make some poor nurse's life THAT much harder. he's just going to be sullen as hell and lose interest in everything he could do, whether that's eat the terrible hospital food or respond to his manager with anything other than a running emoji. ]
[ sent the morning after, confirmation enough, since second to being able to leave the hospital, being able to play is at least, the best he could hope for. ]
i do mean it, but it's also not that serious. i wouldn't expend the time on them to keep them away, but if they come back running that's another thing.
[ sounds like that will not be happening though, which is intriguing to ugetsu in its own way. ]
Don't worry, I'm old enough to know I shouldn't bring people into my fun. I just want to see if they're qualified, if they're meaningless to you, then it should be okay.
Sending a message that fast afterwards, you must be worried. I'll think about it as he wasn't really on my mind at the moment. However, you did remind me.
[ maybe just akihiko. and non-romantically, mafuyu. but other than that most are interested in things about ugetsu, not ugetsu himself. not that he can fault them on that, and he isn't interested anyway. but he can tell the difference without even trying. ]
Is that so? There are people who find your talent quite amazing.
[ if idea lacked the skill, it'd be an essence he'd love to strip away from ugetsu. what spares him is that he's interested in different things that create the man's character, and if one stands out then maybe idea will change his mind.
for now, it's just the very few people he interacts with that idea looks into. ]
The shape of your face, the time it takes for your smile to build. You should take a look into the world a little more, and maybe you will see.
[ idea only does because that's what a limited life span offers him. ]
i don't know that i count the admiration of fans and patrons. if you asked them specifically what they liked, they might be hard-pressed to tell you.
[ the comment on his face does earn a sort of dry humor on ugetsu's side of things. it says a lot he's messaging this much, given how much he hates cellphones. but his layover is extensive and there's nowhere he's allowed to practice, so... ]
my world is here.
[ the violin case currently resting on his lap though he's not going to explain that. ]
[ it seems pointless to restate akihiko's name, and he's not got any reason to cite mafuyu specifically. if he tries to think of anyone else, well, he can't. oops. so not "a few". a couple. oh well. ]
[ a few, and yet akihiko is the only one who is apparently off-limits, idea files away that he'll get a more in-depth understanding of those around him through a report.
he likes him enough so there's no reason to shake up his world just yet. ]
Come out of your world sometimes so I can see you.
if you want a seat at my next performance, it's easily done.
[ aside from that, ugetsu sees no reason to offer anything else. "out" of his world? the stage. his basement apartment. the sometimes-apartment in new york. he's not even sure he'd count the latter, yet.
he's not sure why hagiwara has enough interest to converse, but if he wants to see him in-person, post concerto is opportunity enough. ]
A world-renowned professional player allowing me free entry? Who knew there was still kindness in that world of yours.
[ idea tries to keep himself from laughing, but he'll accept what's given considering it would probably be entertaining enough. he'll leave renge to do the work and make sure that all the testing in the facility goes correctly. ]
Thank you.
[ he has manners. ]
Or am I getting ahead of myself. Is there something you want?
i have an allotted number of tickets for each performance, so it's not as though i had to go to any extra trouble for it.
[ which isn't to say he wouldn't try to collect later, if something did occur to him, but he doubts it will. there simply isn't anything he can think of wanting that hagiwara could offer.
the fact that he would not call it kindness hardly needs to be said. ]
after performances is when i know i'll have some time, though it's often promised away in advance twice over if i'm not careful.
[ that, and he would never arrange a meeting before a performance, not wanting anything to interfere.
but it's true that his time is vied for usually, once he's already in the open after being on stage. there are politics that come with being murata ugetsu, though he handles them as little as possible. ]
[ amazing when idea has so much time to do whatever he wants, but it's not like ugetsu is given the same luxury as him. there's no lackeys beneath him that handles all his problems, vice-presidents to pick up what he sets down, and his own hard-working dog that does everything he says completely. ]
I'd suggest you take the next month off, I'm sure you can make that possible.
that would require a lot of cancelled performances.
[ which is the same as saying "no it's not possible" or at least ugetsu isn't willing to do it. he's not attached to the limelight itself but it goes hand in hand with his luxury of pursuing music. if he doesn't have this, there will be nothing, and for all the hours he spends practicing in his soundproofed basement apartment, it's not the same. it doesn't reach anyone here, the convoluted mess of things overwhelmingly big and terrible and beautiful. music reaches further than one thinks but it has to be in a place it has the chance to do so. ]
[ there's no ifs, ands, buts or nos about it as idea decides for both of them. this is what knowing someone from a criminal organization will get him: in situations that he wouldn't want.
because the pieces that make ugetsu are carefully wrapped in the world he's made for himself with its limited people and interactions, idea must see how he fares outside of all of that.
he's so curious, it can't be helped. ]
If you're unable to cancel them, I can. I'm sending someone to handle everything.
[ . . . between having acquaintances in criminal organizations and a father who's a prominent diplomat, ugetsu feels he could do with less of both when these sorts of situations crop up. at the same time, he's curious despite not wanting to be. the cancelled performances don't bother him in terms of expectations un-met, but rather that sometimes they draw out of him a new kind of sound. hm. ]
even if you cancel them, why would i go? where, even?
[ unconsciously his head sinks deeper into the scarf thickly circled around his neck, eyes low-lidded. it's not even his scarf, but breaking up with one's first love doesn't mean letting go. ]
[ idea laughs at this noticing the other's willingness or could it even be called that? it's the "if" but there's not really an "if" it's more so a command that will be done. one individual feels encouraged to see this out for as long as idea focuses on something else that isn't his private work, then the happier they are. ]
I'm thinking a private island with clear waters. I'm not finalized on the choice.
[ there are some places known for their museums, but the issue here is idea's weak body so there's only so much he can offer.
his choice would revolve around one where he offers little energy. ]
but also, ugetsu rarely encounters anyone who dares actually demand anything of him, much less command. his ex is a different matter and the power dynamics in bed are never translated outside, for better or for worse. which means it's intriguing in its own weird way.
or is he just restless?
if he were to agree it wouldn't matter to him where as long as he can bring his violin. ]
How cute, do you think I'm the type of man who accepts "no" as an answer?
[ ugetsu should know this, if it wasn't obvious before it should be obvious now. idea makes decisions and will see them through, even with ugetsu's father who he is, idea doesn't feel threatened. rather, his father should be pleased that idea engages with his son in such a... respectable manner.
as respecting as idea makes it out to be. ]
You're lucky I like you, there's many ways I can persuade you. But I'll play nice, so why deny good company?
[ idea teases, a smile pulling onto his face knowing if he wanted, he could have someone grab ugetsu right now, force him to come along.
it's not a thought he's going to dismiss though. ]
not particularly, but i've certainly said no to others who think the same of themselves.
[ if a text could have a tone of a shrug, that would be it. ]
and i think i'm the one who decides if you're good company or not.
[ part of ugetsu knows he shouldn't be pushing his luck. a bigger part of ugetsu can't help himself, prone to playing bad decision roulette. lately he's been performing more and more stunningly but it feels also like walking a tightrope. he's not sure why. somehow, pushing and pulling with hagiwara doesn't feel as imprudent as he objectively knows it probably is. ]
[ that's what idea likes to think, but he is special in a way that he'll transcend this life that he has. not many can say that they've thought of doing that or ever achieved, but he's so close, and maybe he will take a piece of ugetsu to perfect it.
he hums, delightfully so until he has to try and decide what sort of company he'd be for him. the best, surely. ]
I wouldn't want to be rough with you, and that fact alone makes me good company. More than you know.
[ this is like a game of cat and mouse, and idea feels like the cat who is poking his paw along the belly of the mouse he's stumbled upon. rather than eating him up, he decides to keep the individual to entertain himself, and idea is always in a pleasant mood when he's able to ignore ugetsu's choices in favor of his own. ]
can't think of a time i've ever complained about anyone being rough, even when they were.
[ now then, he's well aware they are speaking of it in very different contexts and he knows hagiwara will understand this too. but he says it anyway, because why not. ]
in the hypothetical situation where i do go with you, the least you could do is provide the things i need.
[ if he shows up with just the clothes on his back and his violin, well, surely other clothes can be provided, preferred cigarettes, and anything else, though he can't honestly think of anything at the moment. ]
There are those who enjoy the abuse more than others.
[ he's well aware of how ugetsu speaks, improper and crass, but his "charming" personality is well received by some people. it's vulgar, but it's not outside the unfortunate norm that idea has to deal with.
though, they never willingly spoke about their sex life so proudly. ]
Don't be foolish, this isn't hypothetical. You'll be coming with me. I don't understand why you're trying to be so difficult about this. But, of course, I will provide the things you will need.
[ he will, which means idea has the final say in what the man needs, and things like cigarettes? oh no, not good for idea's poor health, but things to sustain ugetsu's survival... well, he can do that. ]
being difficult is easy. but i'll concede out of curiosity.
[ plain and to the point, or as much as he tends to be, there's always going to be layers of half truths but that's just the way ugetsu is. he's only ever honest with his music and even then it doesn't usually reach the way he'd thought about as a child, listening to that old man's radio and thinking about death in a way most children wouldn't. his touch and go paper chain with living is liable to tear at any second but until then he lets music turn him almost inhuman, forgetting human needs unless they're made unignorable. the luxury of a healthy body, by comparison: having one to let deteriorate in favor of a higher calling.
ugetsu will bring his own cigarettes anyway out of habit, and if he's wherever idea hagiwara is sending him long enough to run out, well, it's not like it's his main vice anyway.
likely ugetsu wouldn't agree to anything like this a second time, but he's rather confident his track record of not giving people reasons to ask in the first place will hold firm. ]
[ that's a funny phrasing that he'll concede on his own terms, ugetsu is funny like that, and there's a part of idea that doesn't like it at all. choosing to do so means that he believes whatever happens is done by his own actions rather than idea's, it's such a shame there's always this battle of power, and idea responds to it. can't be helped when he wants to be the one who wins, who decides what's best for the people that he controls— spends time with. ]
Very well. As long as you're willing then I have no room to complain, concede all you like.
[ and fall into the palm of idea's hand with him knowing that he allows for ugetsu to do so. it's romantic in a way, not that it garners positive responses from the other man, but it really is fun playing with relationships and idea bending them how he likes. ]
Everything's canceled on your end. No need to thank me. What are you bringing along for your trip, do you need help choosing?
i wouldn't thank you for something i didn't ask for.
[ he knows it's not as though hagiwara has forgotten that. but restating it is still ugetsu's choice. ]
but i don't need help, no. it's not as though i'm bringing much anyway.
[ violin. cigarettes. the clothes on his body. the earring he wears now though it's not his. what else? ugetsu really can't think of anything off the top of his head. oh of course, a lighter.
his fingertips tap out the measures of a particularly difficult piece before he adds, ]
this seems like too big a gesture in return for concert tickets i get for free.
[ but he already agreed so that's not the issue. he's just saying. men like idea hagiwara, well, ugetsu has dealt with a few though perhaps none as intelligent as they claim to be. there, hagiwara has sole ownership so-far though it's less that ugetsu puts stock in his smarts and more that he has yet to be disproven. people accustomed to getting their way. people of power. people who mete out the difference between want and demand.
most of these, ugetsu glides through whether with more or less contact. if they offer him money, if they offer him venues, if, if, if...then the pace is prolonged. but even then it can be tiresome.
hagiwara is at least interesting enough. it would be a lie for ugetsu to say the risk factor isn't part of it. not quite a thrill but something that plucks at his pulse to remind him he has one outside of a concerto. of course, besides risk or danger, there's that other thing wholly unrelated to hagiwara.
love. yes. that was like that too. akihiko. probably. how odd. ]
There's a difference between asking and needing, you should be grateful how I look after you.
[ like a dog, really. given idea's unfortunate body disposition, such things as pets are unavailable to him. that's why in anamnesis with their technological advancements they were able to create robots with the likeness of dogs, the same texture of fur and temperaments. the removal of the cranium, the insert of a brain to be connected by the inner wires.
he doesn't have to do that with ugetsu (or maybe, he should!), but it's just not idea to not have something animal-like in his possession or nearby. ]
Do you think so? Should I ask for more from you, let me think.
[ the opportunity given shouldn't go ignored, if he wishes to complain, then he can. idea will take advantage of that kindness and indulge even more until it reaches the limit of comparing to a free trip to an undisclosed location that only idea knows. he wouldn't want ugetsu to think that idea is being too generous, that he's incapable of making them equals in some way.
he leans back in his chair, his legs crossed and kicks the floor with his foot to spin his chair just for a little fun, whimsy. it only spins about twice until the chair stops right in front of the window overlooking the facility that he resides in. ]
Having you is as grand as the free tickets, but that's a passive reward that doesn't count, however. You'll wear something from me while we're together to start, and I'll think of whatever else I want from you while we're enjoying our vacation. The demands I make aren't difficult, I'm sure you'll carry them out flawlessly.
[ which is to say he's entirely ready to refuse to wear anything he doesn't like. however, ugetsu is actually quite easier than he makes himself sound. even for performances it's a rotation of similar black suits and black dress shirts, all of impeccable quality and pricetag but nondescript even so. his hair typically stylishly unkempt is in fact just how it naturally is, and only when akihiko would get to him before the stage would he wind up with his soft waves pushed neatly back. "so youthful" was often the comment he got when his hair would be like that, or "beautiful". the former always made him laugh inwardly. was 21 old or young? he couldn't tell. what of 22? well. it's not like ugetsu has ever acted his age anyway, another luxury of being a genius, perhaps.
for clothing though, all ugetsu cares about, more or less, is comfort and not having to think about it. so in that sense, idea's suggestion is great.
unconsciously ugetsu presses fingertips to his own temple. the oncoming migraine is indicative of too much back to back trouble and slight dehydration. his fingers twitch. he can't smoke in this part of the airport. shame. ]
in any case, am i to understand i'll arrive home and turn right back around?
That won't matter. You worry about what's unimportant too much.
[ what matters is idea's taste first and foremost, this is a trip he's constructing and inviting the other to. the least he could do is follow the rules of proper dress, or as proper as he decides. what he'll request of ugetsu won't be too bad, it's simple and easily worn that won't stand out at all. he's already excited at putting it on him, and figuring out if their taste is pretty much the same or not. ]
It depends. I did say next month; I am a man of my word.
[ that means if ugetsu is willing to start early then idea won't say "no", rather, he'll welcome the other with open arms. ]
Are you that excited to see me?
[ he didn't know ugetsu felt so... strongly! idea knows that this isn't what he means, but teasing him is ever so easy. ]
[ that, is called lack of sleep and over practicing and forgetting basic needs like eating and hydrating. "of course you're spacing out, idiot." but no one's there to remind him or nag him or whatever. ugetsu's not putting these simple pieces together because he's decided not to care.
however, ]
not excited, but not opposed. as you know.
[ not, he suspects, that it would make a humongous difference to hagiwara, though ugetsu has yet to experience it firsthand. ]
though if all my things are canceled, as you said, there's no reason i can't.
[ despite exhaustion, he's restless. it puts him on edge and disinclined to be where things are both familiar and foreign now. ]
Don't tell me you're suffering from an onset disease that affects the brain.
[ he doubts it, ugetsu is too young to be forgetting their conversation that quick, or maybe it's something else? whatever could it be? does he tire? does he ache? does he have too much on his mind? there's many questions, but only one answer. ]
I doubt it. You should remember these little things, I wouldn't want you thinking one thing when it's clearly another.
[ idea makes a mental note to look into that, no, he turns around in his chair to face his desk. as soon as he does, he's reaching out for a folder, parting it to reveal a file on ugetsu murata. his index finger runs down a list to double check if there's anything he should know about that. ]
I won't pry until we're together. If you'd like to start now, then I can adjust. However, what I have in mind starts in the upcoming month. You're a genius, how familiar are you with both math and science?
if i have a disease it would be news to me, but i've never checked either way.
as to seeing you -- i can wait. i'm not in any particular rush.
regarding my memory, you'll have to forgive me.
[ some time passes, and it might very well seem like he's outright ignoring the other question, but in this case it's not so. rather, he finds himself occupied answering a flurry of anxious and demanding texts from different patrons about certain canceled upcoming performances, as well as one wholly unrelated but somehow more important. ]
"genius" isn't something i'd apply to myself per se, certainly not outside of music.
that said, i'm familiar enough but nothing impressive, certainly not for someone of your position.
I was only teasing. You know me, I only wish to find a cure for what ails those plagued by the nature of their body.
[ idea is satisfied on whether ugetsu wants to see him or not, even his memory if fine since there's nothing he can find regarding it. his only unfortunate traits are smoking alongside some other relationships, but idea shouldn't complain. this is why he's grateful for what he has and that's the other continuing a connection with him.
time and patience is what idea tells himself. ]
I know it didn't take you that long to think of a reply. What are you busy with? You should be conversing with me.
i am conversing with you, hagiwara. it just so happens there are others demanding my attention at the same time.
[ with an announcement that his flight has been canceled, the only relief is standing and stretching until he can feel everything crack, then gingerly picking up his violin case to head to the nearest hotel, which is of course the one attached to the airport.
as he stands on the automated path, he adds, ]
seems i'll have some extra time even so. my flight was just canceled.
[ after all that waiting. at least once he's in his room he can smoke, assuming he can grab one with a balcony. ]
Stop splitting your attention, we're having an important conversation.
[ not really, it's far from important, but it's idea who chooses to give his time to people, and it shouldn't be wasted. ugetsu can do anything he wants, what he pleases, and idea will be satisfied as long as the other returns to him at some point. in the end, he did, and idea has half the mind to praise him for doing so. ]
What a pity. Has the weather been that horrid? That's such a pity, you must have been so busy.
[ a playful text to add to ugetsu's misfortune, but since he has extra time, why not monopolize it? ]
[ ugetsu could say a great deal to that or a great deal of nothing. in fact, he takes just as much time to reply this time as the other (due to checking in at the hotel, well, waiting for them to figure out a room anyway) and when he does, it's with a rather focused response. ]
i don't know? i'm not often around them.
[ children... that's a very specific question. ugetsu doesn't understand it if he's honest. does hagiwara have siblings? he has no idea. but why would they be coming along on this "vacation"?
in the elevator, he's miraculously alone and lets himself lean back against the wall in what's little more than a collapse. at the same time, his fingers twitch on the valise. shame the hotel rooms aren't soundproofed. maybe he'll risk it anyway. probably. ]
[ don't think too hard about it, ugetsu. it's a normal question that comes up in every conversation at least once during a person's lifetime. idea's reasons are a little different, but the answer works well enough for him that he sees no reason to say that he can't handle children. ]
Are you saying that you put up with them?
[ that seems up his alley, really. idea wouldn't put this past him either considering how his world only consists of so many people.
luckily, it's not a topic they have to linger due to another text message, sent from a separate number, appearing on ugetsu's phone. it's a time and location with strict rules of what he should do along the way there: leave his phone in a box, place both hands on a cold tray, walk through a body scanner among other specific requests. if he attempts to text the number back, it'll no longer be in use. ]
i don't mind them, but that's not saying much. people don't often bring them to my performances, so i rarely see them.
why are you asking me about children?
[ lingering or not, ugetsu can't help but ask even as he eyes the separate message with a twist of amusement and disconnect. it's dangerous a little, maybe. he supposes. this sort of direction is the kind of thing that would have his ex asking him what's wrong with him and telling him not to do it. because it's ugetsu he doesn't bother trying to reply to that number. ]
is there coffee on this deserted island or wherever?
I was thinking how they carry on our bloodline, and how different the future would be with more of you in the world.
[ not really, there's a totally different reason as to why he asked, but this one sounds funnier than the truth of it. besides, it seems like he can get a pretty generic and simple response from him: maybe he's not interested.
idea hums as he taps his foot on the floor, how should he follow up on his whimsical question. has he thought of adoption? he should give it a try. ]
Yes, I hope you have an interest in Western food. As for activities, I cannot do anything strenuous, but I'm open to accommodating you in any way that you'd like in regards to it.
[ more of him in the world, really. he almost laughs. ]
i don't dislike it, for the most part.
but i wasn't looking to do anything that requires overexerting oneself.
[ if left to his own devices he'll just practice. he doesn't seem to be able to put his violin down for too long but especially when he gets into a mood, which he's long been approaching another. if he is not allowed to do this, said mood will swing magnificently and possibly either extreme of violence or utter sloth, because with ugetsu it tends to be a toss up between these two, even if their forms can vary. ]
[ such an idea would leave to what, more devastation in the world? not like it needs that, but maybe there's something a child like that could offer. pick up more talents and be harvested for what it's learned? ]
Don't you think we'd have the cutest child. ♡
[ is he joking? anyway.
as long ugetsu doesn't expect so much mobility from idea, then maybe they can coexist peacefully. he has no reason to take away the man's joys or luxuries, it allows him to tap into his true essence so as long as idea can see and utilize then ugetsu can do what he wants.
idea smiles, kicking his feet against the floor. it sounds fun to him. ]
If you want to play your instrument, you can. I'd be your audience.
[ it's probably true but whether serious or make-believe humor, the hypothetical child would be riddled likely with so many physical and mental detriments, that's really the thing ugetsu thinks of after his knee jerk response. then he lets it go because it is a joke isn't it. well either way... ]
convenient, as if i couldn't, i really would have to decline your generous offer.
Don't worry, I won't let you play alone. I don't see why you would want to.
[ that makes him curious, just as much as the "visually" on the question of a child. it's so specific that idea thinks that the other must have concerns about the other parts of the make believed child.
oh, he shouldn't worry about such things when idea has so much control. ]
Has it always been this difficult to get a "yes" out of you? They call men like you hard to get. Haha.
You should say yes to me more often, it could make your life a little more interesting.
[ he's not asking for ugetsu to pay attention to him, rather to indulge him a little more. if he can smoke as much as he does, there's other questionable choices to also take up.
well, idea wouldn't want to be labeled as something questionable. ]
Why is that? You must be pulling my leg, but I do want to see you practice. I'm sure there's some way I could help.
[ there is a part of ugetsu that is curious but there is also a bigger part of him that doesn't trust. all of this is offset by his general disregard for both his health and his safety in favor of the single-mindedness of music. he eyes the other message from the mystery number, the instructions and scant details and lets his gaze fall half-mast, looking for all the world like he's just going to take a nap at this point in the airport. perhaps he will. but before that, ]
i still don't quite understand what you're getting out of this, you know.
[ but he's interested enough to take the offer, this time. ]
Are you not a fan of the word "interesting"? I find it opens up so many possibilities.
[ there he goes again showcasing his curiosity, he won't let things be as they should, and who is idea to take this away from him? he did ask, can't say that he didn't. what is he getting out of this? truthfully, it'd be information, a decision, the ending conclusion of where their relationship stands upon other things. ]
I want to be with you, isn't that more than enough of a reason? It's not so special that I need to profess it like love, unless you're into that sort of thing? Are you a romantic at heart?
[ maybe that's what he was expecting due to idea's curiosity about children and other things, but it takes time to acclimate a person from one view to another. ]
But if you choose to ignore that, we can focus on this: I need your help.
[ one thing ugetsu certainly lacks is fear or much apprehension of anything. he asks because there's no downside to asking as far as he can tell, and if he's wrong then he's wrong and he'll deal with it then, if he has to. but the questions about hagiwara's own response make him pause, about to just ignore it outright before he sees the next part.
help?
well. ]
i remain curious.
[ the painfully obvious ignoring of everything else hagiwara said is, well, purposeful. but also ugetsu doesn't care about being beholden to answers himself even when he's the one who asked the question! it bears saying he doesn't mean any of it as a game either, as of yet. he genuinely is curious. curious enough to go through with the directions given to him at the time detailed and in the manner given. ]
honestly it did not like the way idea was speaking to him
Curious enough to witness it for yourself, I'm sure?
[ let's see how far that curiosity goes, especially when it means he can pull ugetsu to wherever he'd like to satiate it. hopefully this means idea doesn't have to explain outright what he's having trouble with. ]
It's a once in a lifetime.
[ for him, maybe, but for idea this will be an ongoing occurrence if he's able to get everything like he wants it. who knew ugetsu could be so kind in a way that he hasn't brushed idea off yet, but that's probably die to idea baiting and pulling. just a little taste of the unknown, and lure the other in to want to understand it. truthfully, he did mean it when he wanted to take a vacation for a month, it's just work goes hand in hand with that too.
[ a spade a spade, but that's fine. it's not as if ugetsu knows what the spade actually is, and in reality, if he did know or have more insight, it wouldn't make it a sudden no from him either. if he were to run this by anyone, as if he has anyone to run it by in the first place, that one person would tel him it is crazy and not to go. might even try to stop him even against his will.
the thought turns the corners of ugetsu's mouth up but it's not a happy expression.
he's tempted to tell his ex but if it doesn't go how ugetsu wants it to, he'll be even more discontent. this too has not always stopped him before, but maybe he is just curious enough for real. less about hagiwara and more about what he will get out of him, if anything.
a month? one full set of moon phases. he wonders if it will rain. ]
To call it "bait", how mean! It comes from my heart.
[ a liar is a liar.
the less he gives the more ugetsu will come, and it works to his advantage that causes a smile to pull on idea's face. he's way too excited about the chance of seeing his friend face to face, and using him for his own personal desires. would ugetsu be mad at him? they've known each other long enough on the business aspect, idea likes to think. it's with playful intent that he continues. ]
❤️
[ his heart isn't so tiny, but maybe it'd be covered in black ooze from the way he truly acts. when he doesn't get his way, he can't help but hit and curse, becoming abusive to his very own slave. it's fortunate that the other is going along with this without tugging away which means only good things for those who serve under him. ]
I am ecstatic for your help, really. I won't know how to repay you.
[ and skepticism is at an all time high but that doesn't stop ugetsu from agreeing, does it. even once he more fully understands why he's been half summoned half invited or maybe those percentages are off, well, either way, once he knows, it's not the kind of thing ugetsu gets angry about. if idea were to deny him his violin, that would make him angry. depending on his mood or how much he's had to drink, sometimes the mention of a certain someone can also prod at the fire that does in fact reside in ugetsu but that's tied to music as well. being used does not especially bother him, though he'll maybe have a hard time understanding the details and mechanics. not, perhaps, that he'll even try.
of course, once he knows, he could refuse. or in ugetsu's head there's always the option. on this, possibly, they won't agree, but that's a later problem.
in the end, there's no one who can hurt or abuse ugetsu more than himself, and that's a lifelong truth.
he eyes the heart and ignores it, but when he reads the last, he laughs down against the collar of his jacket. ]
i'm sure i'll think of something. having you owe me is also not bad, all things considered.
[ best course of action is to want nothing from idea, but knowing that he, himself, could potentially have something ugetsu could gain is a good thing. this is where he understands his position as a resource that the man won't get rid of even if it's in his best interest.
the hagiwara family has a long line of questionable actions, covered up, but still a wealthy company can do whatever they want as long as there is no one to stop them. idea smiles only a little as he's curious himself what the other could even ask for, especially with the type of father he has, mostly everything shouldn't be out of ugetsu's reach depending on the means he uses to obtain them.
maybe that's where idea falls into play. ]
It is my generosity, haven't we know each other long enough that I extend my hand if you extend yours?
[ that's the baseline for anything between two people, but he continues. ]
Having me is a boon in your life, what's that phrase? Take your blessings as they come?
admittedly nothing comes to mind at the moment, but it's nice to know i'm owed something.
[ despite his father's position, ugetsu prefers not to go that route for a few reasons. the fact that he's more willing to consider asking idea is...well, speaks for itself perhaps. either way, he doesn't feel the need to specify.
.
by the time it's actually the week he's going through with this slightly ridiculous plan, ugetsu is so restless he'd probably have still done it even if it had more red flags attached. he follows the instructions, perplexed by some, unfazed by others. either during the process with a moment to pause or after he's finished but before he's put on a plane or whatever form of transportation, he thinks to send a message, though he knows hagiwara is well informed of all happenings. ]
i did wonder what would happen if i didn't show up
That curious? I would have asked for someone to retrieve you. Don't ask such questions you know the answer to.
[ idea laughs at the thought of ugetsu leaving before the discussed time. there has been people watching him from their first message to inform idea of what he's been up to to ensure nothing goes outside of the future that idea has already thought up for them. he chooses not to admit that. ]
I would have made sure you weren't late.
[ surprising enough, it isn't a plane that's taking him, but rather there's a tall gentleman with cream colored hair, stitches embedded into the skin around his mouth to keep him from speaking, or maybe he can and chooses not to. around his neck is a dog collar with a leash, and he dresses formally with his dress shirt tucked in aside from the jacket over his clothes unbuttoned.
ugetsu's chauffeur wastes no time however, walking over to grab whatever bags the other is bringing along with him. the taller man offers a cursory glance at ugetsu before looking towards the vehicle, specifically the backseat where ugetsu should move to while he works with the luggage. ]
I see you didn't want to get rid of your phone, but it's fine. You'll be too busy with me to stay in contact with others.
[ stitches, that is, and ugetsu does wonder about them because it's such specific placement. collar and leash because who is it for? but there is also the part of him that, as he settles into the backseat, recognizes in a distanced sort of way that he only cares insofar as he's bored. his head throbs and there's a part of him that is apprehensive. often he prefers to be the one driving because it's the one surefire way to avoid his motion sickness, which sometimes can be quite violent. but for now he says nothing, not sure his gentlemanly driver can reply anyway.
to idea, however, ]
to be honest, i forgot. i'm not particularly attached
i prefer the radio.
[ not that they do the same thing per se. but for news. weather. like some old man. the radio works, and the reception doesn't die in his basement unit for some reason. ]
LMFAOOOO SOOO TRUEEE its ok i understand you the best
[ unspoken words of "would you like to match?", idea can help him with that. all ugetsu has to do is run his mouth to the point that he doesn't want to hear him anymore, and idea will go out his way to make sure that those lips are sealed. idea smiles, fox-like in appearance, but he moves when knowing today is a special day. ]
If you want the radio, then you should ask your driver. I can't say he'd listen, but it's worth a try. I'm so happy you decided to come along, there's so much I want to talk to you about.
[ from minor details about ugetsu's life to something more thoughtful about what he wants for the future, and then personal things such as what parts of his body he's willing to offer to science. hopefully that's not too rude considering he's gave his fingerprints first and foremost. ]
I want you to think about something during your ride, it's a rather interesting question that you may already know the answer to.
[ the comments that follow get no response from ugetsu for at least a few minutes. one could chalk this up to any number of reasons, but in fact there isn't one. not really. ugetsu just spaces out, a side effect of being overly tired perhaps or unconsciously stressed. when he finally does send a reply, he's sure it's less than what might be considered sufficient, but he doesn't trust idea despite agreeing to this little vacation. ]
i don't need the radio here, at least not yet. and i can't promise to think about anything, since i might fall asleep any second, but i'm open to suggestions.
[ no matter any previous implications at any point in their interactions, ugetsu still believes he has full independence of the situation if he so chooses to exercise it. it's just that his curiosity outweighs that option still, for now. ]
Very well. Can I offer you something that might help keep you awake?
[ this text message has something attached to it, a .pdf that ugetsu can click when he's ready. there's nothing else that follows after from idea as though he's leaving the remainder of ugetsu's full independence to himself. it's a pretty simple request though: click the link, read the information and follow up with it which can all be done within the car. it wouldn't make sense if it wasn't something he could do then and there, but there's a low sigh from the driver as he reaches for his own phone.
horrible etiquette of how he shouldn't be on his phone and drive, but he does pretty well managing with watching the road.
idea would never take advantage of someone so soon, truthfully, he likes his friend so much that he'd at least play with him before suggesting he does do the things that idea want.
for now, it's the freedom of choice.
... ]
you too tho! never any rush! backtagging is very real and true
[ ugetsu does in fact look at the information, but evidently he's overdone it again and the result is that despite actually being curious about the details,....ugetsu falls asleep anyway, phone in hand, head leaning against the car's window in a way that promises a painful neck when he wakes up sooner or later. some of this might also be ugetsu's utter lack of urgency in what's going on. maybe it isn't a real vacation, he's pretty sure it isn't after all, but he's already agreed to it. he's in this car on his way wherever. he's tired of his own life in a way, avoidant of the thing he misses the most and filling the empty spaces with that which he always has: music. next to him, his violin sits in its case and even though ugetsu isn't even touching it, one gets the impression there's a physical attachment here nonetheless; even asleep.
to idea, it will seem like ugetsu is "typing..." forever, because he fell asleep with his phone open on the reply screen. whether he's woken up by another text from idea or a call or arriving at the mystery destination is anyone's guess. but for now, he sleeps. as honest a look as he ever has off the stage. ]
happpy new year and i hope you had a wonderful christmas!!
[ it takes a couple of hours, but the destination is reached and a helpful hand, cladded in white touches at ugetsu's shoulder and rocks him only slightly. ]
Wake up, wake up... We can't afford to miss our trip.
[ it's hard to tell if that voice belongs to a man or woman for a stranger, but for ugetsu, he'll already know that it belongs to no one else but idea. all the items that ugetsu has brought: his violin case, and everything else has already been retrieved from the car. it's just him and idea in the underground parking lot with only so many cars. there's barely enough to count on two hands. ]
I won't be mad at you for falling asleep.
[ the phone is gone as well, probably taken along with his things or simply taken and discarded. idea doesn't want ugetsu's attention stretched too thin, that's why he should simply offer it all to idea. ]
Come on. [ if he moves, he'll feel something tight around his neck, but enough room to breathe without unease.
in idea's other hand that holds onto the cane, there's something like a ... leash handle held by curled fingers. ]
happy new yearrrr things are nuts im sorry this was so delayed 💔
[ slowly, ugetsu drags himself from sleep. he knows it is idea without question, but he still takes his own time: blinking at him as if letting his vision stabilize, tilting his head and noting the restrictive feeling around his neck, and then just staring a moment or so longer than perhaps anyone else might dare.
his voice comes soft and in the vein of lilting. ]
You think I'd run away after agreeing to all this trouble?
[ even if it's not the real reason, the answer of course is yes he would. ]
and the only reason there are no questions about his violin is that he thinks of all things, idea must know that doing truly away with it is not the way to get cooperation from him. assuming agency is at play at all here. ]
[ ugetsu does not reply; yuki doesn't care. he's blind as well, albeit metaphorically, fear and trauma flashing before his eyes so fast he can't tell which memories are real and which are false. he runs the five blocks to the hospital and is so winded when he arrives that the receptionist thinks he needs treatment himself, but he waves her off, asks her where murata ugetsu is. she's hesitant at first but yuki has charisma to spare, even in his current state, and so she relents; if his mind were clearer, he would notice the spark of recognition in her eyes. a tabloid rumour waiting to explode.
yuki yoshida and murata ugetsu. two names that, would never normally appear in one sentence.
they've triaged ugetsu, put him in a room somewhere upstairs. it means he isn't dying. the hospital feels cold and cruel around him; it makes yuki's skin itch as he waits impossibly long in the elevator, as he wanders down hall after hall, looking for this stupid, stupid man.
he wishes he had shot up before coming.
in reality, it doesn't take long for yuki to arrive. an hour, maybe. there is a nurse in the room fussing over ugetsu, blocking him from sight.
please, murata-san, you have to rest --
ah. petulant as always, it seems, even after seeing the edge of death. ]
Ugetsu?
[ yuki's voice is breathless, his ragged body fuelled only by adrenaline at this point. there are equal amounts of accusation and worry in his tone, anger and love, things that can only be heard by one who understands sound. music.
[ fear. old fear. and new fear. why. what's wrong with you.
i love you.
murata ugetsu hears all of it. a song you scream rather than sing. or whisper in your sleep instead of out loud when you're awake. or nothing nothing nothing.
everything.
the nurse obscures him from yuki while she continues to fuss, casting not one but two suspicious looks back over her shoulder at the blonde, a similar flicker of recognition there as the receptionist had. his burned and bleeding hands re-bandaged just now, sit shaking violently in ugetsu's lap. he doesn't want yuki to see him like this.
at the same time, the way yuki's voice sounds right now to him is shattering with anxious warmth. ugetsu feels like it's touching him across his skin, then pushing inside along his broken bones and drawing through his depleted blood. when he trembles and shivers the nurse takes his temperature again. his head hurts; partially shaven at one side so they could suture and dress and wrap it. but really it hurts more because there's a familiar tension behind his blind eyes he won't let come to fruition.
a little more fussing and the nurse finally steps back. visiting hours ended some time ago and ugetsu's manager actually did try to enforce a no-visitors policy for safety reasons while they investigate if the car accident really was an accident. maybe she sees the desperation in every aspect of yuki's body language. maybe she thinks it's a shame and a pity no family has called or come. whatever reason, she murmurs only,
"he really needs to rest."
then she quietly leaves the room.
despite not being able to see, ugetsu turns his head away from where he can tell the door is, and therefore where yuki came in.
and it occurs to him, cold and far away from himself: maybe this is where he has to end it. ]
you're stuck with me (and this tragic mess of a pair lmao) <333333
[ whatever this relationship of theirs is - love, hate, something in between - yuki knew from the start it couldn't end well. not only because they're both extremely damaged in a myriad of ways, not only because they're both nursing lost loves, not only because they're each built to worship music above all else - but because, mainly, yuki could not help but fall in love with murata ugetsu.
he never meant to. he still doesn't realize it, not properly. he promised himself there would never be another mafuyu and, in many ways, there never will be. ugetsu and mafuyu are nothing alike. they're both prodigies, perhaps, but mafuyu has the most innocent soul in the entire universe; ugetsu spent his childhood crushing insects and daydreaming about death.
maybe it's better that yuki ended up with him.
the nurse leaves but yuki doesn't hear whatever she says, doesn't catch the way she looks at him. he's pushing through layers upon layers of compounded anxiety to cross the room and stare down at ugetsu, his expression invisible to the other but no less panicked because of it.
ugetsu is shaking. ugetsu has bandages everywhere. ugetsu's hair, soft and black as midnight rain, has been shorn into razor-sharp blades of obsidian.
ugetsu does not look like ugetsu.
yuki wants to throw up. ]
Was it really an accident?
[ an awful, horrible thing to say. to accuse. but yuki knows ugetsu too well not to ask. his fingers tremble at his sides, not knowing where to go. he does not want to be sober for this. ]
i think yOU are stuck with ME (and this tragic mess to end all messes)<3 <3 <3!!!
[ the slow deep breath ugetsu takes is as sharp as his bones. sightless eyes still gaze downward at what he assumes are his legs. was it really an accident? he laughs. it hurts. ugetsu can't get any paler but he goes impossibly rigid. his hands, still shaking, feel disgustingly heavy.
not mine. ]
Ha... [ another sharp breath. it struggles through ugetsu's lungs. ] ...I don't know. They haven't found anything.
[ about the other driver.
or about me.
and of course, ugetsu won't tell. not yuki. not the investigators.
not himself.
he doesn't remember anyway.
who had he last spoken to? or seen?
again ugetsu breaks into laughter. like a wine bottle shattering. like a still burning cigarette put out with hands in panic as they took light to sheet music. it's funny. it's so funny. it's hilarious. he can't stop laughing. he's not laughing. he can't breathe --
-- sometimes, after getting high with yuki, ugetsu would drop. the most severe lows were explosive. tantrums devolved into fights devolved into bouts of hysteria. this is like that but worse.
they said ugetsu was lucky. they pulled him from the fire and called him lucky and ugetsu wanted to strangle them.
gasping for breath hurts.
yuki is here.
yuki shouldn't be here.
why did you come...why did i let you...
why did i also...want you to.
why. ]
SHARES MY TISSUES WITH U 😭😂💖 also psst here's a song for them 😈
[ ugetsu's laugh is a dangerous thing. he rarely laughs the way normal people do; instead, it's only when he feels particularly cruel, or vindictive, or scorned. he laughs when he shouldn't. yuki likes that about him, most of the time. it sets him apart from all the boring people that make up the world around them. when ugetsu laughs yuki doesn't know if he's going to be kissed or slapped; the surprise is, always, exciting.
but right now? yuki hates it.
it doesn't take much for the pain to show through, ugetsu's usual mask full of cracks and holes that expose just how badly he's been injured. yuki knows that feeling well enough to recognize the tension in ugetsu's body, the way his breathing changes when he speaks. everything takes effort. the body, trying so hard to keep itself together, cannot function normally. yuki did not break any bones the night he tried to die but he knows what it is to sit in that hospital bed with his body crying out against him.
there are so, so many bandages.
ugetsu's laughter twists into something ugly and yuki wants to reach out, to clutch him close to his chest and hold tight no matter how hard ugetsu strikes him. the pain is never enough, never close to what yuki deserves, but in taking it he sometimes thinks he can make amends. thinks he can, maybe, help this lonely soul escape the oblivion that comes with a person like yuki.
he should never have given ugetsu drugs. he might not be addicted, not the way yuki is, but he knows it's wrong.
[ if ugetsu knew yuki had truly fallen in love with him, he wouldn't know what to do with that information -- not now and not before either. he knows a little: that yuki accepts his violence and his fragments because he considers himself deserving of that pain. also: the amends he is trying to make have nothing to do with ugetsu himself. someone else.
someone else.
the touch to his temple is light but ugetsu feels it more strongly than he felt the car crash, than he felt the fire. or so he tells himself. later, when he finally tries to sleep, this won't be the case at all. for now though, it's enough. along with yuki's voice, it tethers; anchors. it calls down the moon from a ledge where moonlight always arcs and asks it to stay a little longer. ]
Y -- uki.
[ no more laughter. it's quiet. almost drowned entirely under all the machines. he's so...so...
dangerous stillness exists abruptly and completely as ugetsu's choking breaths even out until they can be almost nothing too. ]
...sorry.
[ he isn't. ]
Aha...hm. It was just such a funny question for you to ask.
[ then he tilts his head and angles it just the way he would if he could see yuki. stares at him without seeing him and feels his own mouth curve upward. it's cracked. so dry. bleeding. the red stands out starkly against ugetsu's pale skin and his dark hair and eyes. disappearing right in front of him. ]
Now that's done...you can go.
[ it's not clear: 'tonight'? 'forever'? a string wound tight enough to snap. so ugetsu lies. what good would the truth do him now?
what good would it do anyone? ]
RIGHT it's also a perfect ugetsu/akihiko/haruki song T____T
[ yuki has never stopped loving mafuyu. even while he's been with others, with ugetsu, that fact has always remained true. loving mafuyu is a part of his soul; he cannot help it. he never thought it would matter. he assumed, foolishly perhaps, that if ugetsu knew he wouldn't care. neither of them are meant for one another; ugetsu has his own lost love to pine for.
but yuki is standing here and listening to him laugh like a creature gone mad from trauma and realizing that this is the fate he barred from mafuyu.
he never let mafuyu into his hospital room. never let him see the state Yuki had put himself in, even though it was Mafuyu who pulled him down, who called the ambulance, who held his hand all the way there. as soon as yuki regained consciousness he told the nurses and doctors and his mother and hiiragi and shizu: not him. don't let him see.
because, in the depths of his heart, yuki loved mafuyu too much to let him suffer like that. even though keeping him away meant he would suffer, too. he wanted to call. wanted to text. stared at his phone night after night, at the missed notifications that eventually trailed off.
he never got the courage to respond.
and now ugetsu is telling him to go. ]
Yeah right.
[ yuki snorts, derisive, almost cruel. he knows that tone; ugetsu is dismissing him, though whether or not he actually wants to is another matter entirely. yuki's fingers brush into the longer strands of ugetsu's hair and, without warning, grasp so firmly that there's no way it can't hurt him. ]
You fucking dumbass. I'm not just gonna leave like all your other boytoys.
[ because he loves him. because he hates him. because the sea and the moon cannot be parted, no matter how great the distance between them.
yuki lets go of ugetsu's hair and runs his thumb over the cracked, broken skin of his lip. presses in. pulls it away, bright with blood, and lifts it to his own mouth. the taste is sharp and exhilarating and forbidden. death. life. ]
Did he hit you?
it really is ,,,....ugetsu why do you bring disaster to everyone...why is it so good...OTL
[ the pained sound that escapes ugetsu is involuntary. he'd bury that too, if he could. also involuntary: how blind eyes water. he tastes salt before he registers the feeling of the warmth of their tracks down his face. it says more about his state than anything that he doesn't bite yuki, that all he can do is stutter broken breaths as he tries to recover from the electric shock of hurt from something so tame it would make ugetsu laugh again if he could.
he hears it: the sea reminding him he's real by speaking, by moving, by opening its all devouring self and saying the moon can't make him leave but even if it did, it is also the moon that pulls him back. isn't it.
isn't it.
ugetsu's next inhale and exhale almost sound wet. there's so much wrong, so to say something isn't 'right' is understatement and redundant as well. does it taste good? does it taste bad?
did he hit you?
tabloid rumors have been running yuki yoshida and ugetsu murata scandals with growing traction. ugetsu had not deigned to tell yuki or his manager the threats he'd received. some veiled in politics unafraid of the recourse. some in fanmail he watched burn without any satisfaction. and some just a gut instinct: the sense he'd been being followed for a week or so, unable to parse his waking hours from his maddened stupors of practice and the stolen pills from yuki's pockets in jackets left behind. how lucky, he thinks, that none of it was in his system when the accident happened. but whether they meant to enrobe him in a drug scandal or kill him outright, he has no idea.
later, they'll tell him the name of the other driver and ugetsu will have an answer for yuki: well yes. but ugetsu had always hit him back. a fling. he doesn't even remember when except that he was still of again on again with aki back during or around that time. sort of.
for now, thin shoulders shrug. even that hurts. under the hospital shift and the myriad of bandages, ugetsu's moonpale skin is blue, black, red, yellowing and almost green. as if a cosmic joke, his face is almost alright if one overlooks the head wound and the thick swathe of gauze around the right side of his neck. they're not sure what will or won't scar.
ugetsu isn't sure he cares either way.
he licks his lips, swallows salt and blood and the smile isn't there anymore. ]
They say death makes you honest.
[ ugetsu's voice is still, like the reflection of the moon in water that cannot move. ]
I guess that was close enough.
[ when he blinks, it's very slow. it gives the impression he might not open his eyes again if he lets them shut one more time. ]
You know --
[ he looks straight at yuki without seeing a thing, but this might be the strangest ugetsu has ever looked to anyone, not because of the injuries but because he feels almost...not real. ]
-- he'd take you back, I think.
[ no guesses as to who 'he' is. ]
When he sings, that's what it sounds like to me.
[ and if ugetsu is bad at every other thing in his life, well, sound is the one thing he's always, always gotten right.
whether it's kind. whether it's devastating. whether it's the sea or a shooting star.
the moon pretends he doesn't understand sometimes, but the trouble is...he does.
he really does. ]
he just Feels So Much All The Time... he can't help it... :'c <3 poor little meow meow
[ it's revenge, perhaps, making ugetsu hurt like that. yuki knows he isn't doing anything more than the other can handle; in fact, he's taken worse from ugetsu during his many, many meltdowns. if this happened before yuki started using them maybe he wouldn't be such an asshole but the fact is: he's jonesing, worse than he has in a long time, and being in this hospital, staring down at a broken ugetsu murata, is not helping.
yuki is angry. yuki is scared. yuki does not know what to do.
he doesn't mean did he hit you the way ugetsu interprets it but, later, the dual meaning will make him laugh bitterly. of course it's someone from his past. some ex-lover who can't stand seeing ugetsu with anyone else. who could? what kind of man, after loving the moon itself, could ever be happy watching it frolic with some other being? yet the moon has an orbit of its own, tied only to the earth.
akihiko.
it's a safety net, knowing that ugetsu cannot forget him. it means yuki can never be loved in return - something he does not want. does not deserve.
yuki sees his name in the tabloids often but the appearance of ugetsu alongside him is troubling, though he pretends otherwise. buys copies to throw onto ugetsu's bed, to laugh at together, joking about his bed head or the stupid clothes he decided to wear when he left that cold, cold basement early in the morning one day. but yuki knows what kind of people read them sincerely, believing every word. yuki knows he has fans that might hurt ugetsu. and, more importantly: yuki knows mafuyu could see.
he still has no idea that their lives have crossed through ugetsu, of course. he knows only that mafuyu plays music now, that he frequents the small clubs yuki got his start in back during high school and then afterwards. he only plays bigger gigs now but those venues are always in his mind, constantly in his peripheral vision. ugetsu's drummer goes there with his new boyfriend. plays shows with mafuyu. with that other guitarist, the dark-haired one.
yuki does not realize he's thinking about mafuyu until ugetsu speaks. until ugetsu says he knowing that there is no other 'he' in yuki's heart. until ugetsu talks about mafuyu's sound.
and, of course, ugetsu is never wrong when it comes to sound. ]
Fuck off.
[ it's a visceral reaction, completely unconscious; the words spill sharp from yuki's lips like a bark, a warning. his fingers twist tighter against the metal support on the side of the bed, knuckles as pale as ugetsu's bloodless skin. ]
Don't talk about him.
[ in the back of his mind, yuki knows what ugetsu is doing. bringing mafuyu up, encouraging yuki to go back to him, so that it's easier to break things off between the two of them. ugetsu wants yuki gone - whether it's because he's finally grown tired of him or, as yuki suspects, because it hurts too much to keep him around. it's a familiar game, one that leaves a bitter, acrid taste on the back of yuki's tongue. the problem is that ugetsu still has no idea what convictions yuki holds in his heart; has no clue that yuki has promised himself to never, ever speak to mafuyu again.
and yuki - yuki wants to hit ugetsu. he wants to kiss ugetsu. he wants to shove powder up his own nose until he's so high he can't tell the ground from the sky anymore; until he can finally, finally float away into the stars. past the moon. past all sources of light. past everything until he's adrift in endless, beautiful darkness. ]
This isn't about him.
that one art of him and aki with cat ears and stuff...lil meow meow indeed..he really is overwhelmed
[ if yuki were to reach out, to hurt him again somehow, ugetsu wouldn't mind. this in and of itself is not a good thing. part of him knows this. but it's buried alive somewhere the sound does not reach, neither up nor down. the moon goes on. the phases cycle. love and hate.
yuki tells him to fuck off and he means shut up, he means not to bring mafuyu up not now not ever. and he doesn't have to use the exact words for ugetsu to hear: that mafuyu is too good for him even to mention, that mafuyu is also too good for yuki. his thoughts encapsulate what yuki's truth once was without asking either: he never let mafuyu see him. that much is clear.
the way mafuyu sang, one would believe yuki really did die that night.
the way mafuyu sang, ugetsu and akihiko really did.
what kinds of songs is he writing now? ugetsu hasn't seen him in a while. their schedules don't allow for it, and now he can't even leave this bed for who knows how long. what card should he play? he could continue to be cruel. or he could try to get yuki to sneak him out somehow. it's not impossible. though ugetsu has never been under quite as much surveillance. then again, no one has actively ever tried to kill him on such a scale before.
maybe he could try once yuki leaves.
maybe if he waits, his body will finally relent and do the rest for him.
maybe.
in yuki's voice there is a tremble like the way the earth shivers in warning before it splits apart, the way the water of the ocean's surface flickers as if by light and shadow but truly means a storm.
ugetsu is well versed in both.
shaking. hurting. held together by no one even knows what or how or why.
you don't want to be here.
part of what keeps them circling each other and swallowing each other down even if it chokes them is both the understanding of music and silence and also this: contradictions. in themselves. in other people. when they're sober. when they're high. when they're alive.
when they're dying.
for a little while, ugetsu was. but they brought him back. he doesn't care for the details.
does yuki know?
he doubts it. seems like he rushed here.
what would have been a slow breath and then maybe words... becomes a cough. it spasms. the pain is enormous even as drugged up as he is. sweat breaks out across his forehead, his nape, clammy and pale. ugetsu though is one of those bizarre creatures who almost looks as beautiful or the same when he's destroyed, but he looks more like a painting than a person. less real. less. less. less.
more.
he can't tell if he's coughed up blood in his mouth or if he bit his tongue. he swallows. and only realizes as his blind eyes blink fiercely, that where one bandaged hand shot out to steady himself against the bedrail, he ended up resting it against something else instead. through the swathe of fabric and tape, it's still clear enough. the warmth there. yuki. ah.
yeah. he really shouldn't be here. but ugetsu doesn't pull his hand away. ]
[ they've been trapped in this cycle since the first night they met. hurting each other over and over, pleasure and pain all mixed up until there's no telling which is which, hands around throats in the dark. it's good. it's terrible. were it not for their shows and rehearsals and managers, yuki thinks they might lose themselves forever in that basement.
yuki is grateful to ugetsu for it. yuki hates that ugetsu allows it. new moon, waxing, waning, full, gone again. endless.
hearing mafuyu's name on ugetsu's lips is too painful to bear. in a better headspace yuki would admit that he doesn't mind hearing ugetsu talk about him, that he craves whatever knowledge he can get from secondhand sources, that he wants to know mafuyu is doing well. moving on. happy.
but how could he be?
yuki has not listened to mafuyu sing for any meaningful amount of time. one glance at the guitar in his hands was enough to snap whatever self-control he had left that night, enough to send him into a spiral of panic and desperation that led to a phone call he should never have made.
i tried to kill myself he told ugetsu once, not knowing it would lead to this. not knowing that they would end up in the hospital together, ugetsu blind and broken and bandaged, yuki absolutely useless as always seems to be the case nowadays. even if ugetsu tells him he did not mean for this to happen, yuki can't fully believe it. can't fully believe that there is not some part of ugetsu that wishes this had been the end.
there are many things they have in common, but this is the biggest one: that they both yearn for death. that they've been chasing it ever since they were children. searching for the answer to the darkness inside their souls.
ugetsu goes to speak but he coughs instead and oh, oh, he's in pain; yuki can see it, yuki can hear it. flecks of blood paint pale lips and all yuki can do is watch, his body shaking, not even thinking that he should probably call the nurse. it stops soon enough but not before ugetsu's hand rests against his own. the touch feels like a shock and yuki jerks in response, though he doesn't pull away.
he can tell that ugetsu's eyes aren't working so he knows it wasn't on purpose and yet -- ]
Ugetsu...
[ his voice is soft. sad. broken. filled with regrets. apologies.
hope.
yuki finds himself kneeling next to the bed, legs shaking too strongly to hold him up any longer. he rests his forehead against ugetsu's knuckles and sighs, long and bitter. ]
You should rest, [ he echoes. and then, after a moment, in that ridiculously charismatic way of his, he adds: ]
[ ugetsu feels how yuki's legs give out, not so much through the faint and obscured touch of their hands but through the reverberation of the sound. it takes any if not all of the punch out of that witty one-liner. it would be easier if yuki laughed at him, if yuki yoshida did not actually care. but he does.
it would be easier if ugetsu did not actually care.
but he does.
on the tip of his tongue: if i was supposed to rest, why am i here? why am i listening to this?
at least it's blindness. if ugetsu regained consciousness to a soundless world, that would have been what the cliches call a fate worse than death.
another shuddered breath struggles through his body. like being dragged through the mud when you're already sick. like telling someone goodbye when you want nothing more than for them to stay.
it hurts.
yuki's forehead touches against wrapped knuckles and ugetsu swallows a sharp feeling of something like failure down into the blackhole of himself.
all of yuki yoshida's reactions tell him things without telling him things: that mafuyu is forbidden to yuki as a kind of cross to bear, that he's afraid of mafuyu seeing what's written in tabloids even by accident, that he misses him because you never stop missing the people you love. ugetsu, at least, understands that one. nicer if he didn't, but you can't win it all. no. anyone who says 'i didn't have time to think' doesn't really know; doesn't really care. if you care, if you really do, the anxiety and regret and impossible love all come up around the edges. water flooding your house to remind you it could have been a home.
but.
yuki is here.
ugetsu is alive.
for better or for worse.
they both are.
better. and
worse.
the little laugh is like static. ugetsu doesn't recognize himself, but he cards burned fingers through yuki's hair: there there. yet even this conventionally comforting motion...isn't. what it is: anchor in the sea. ]
Then I guess it's a good thing I can't see myself.
[ dry. like he's not talking about something as serious as it is. like none of this is happening. the moon in drought. deny. refuse. and then the truth imbibed will be its own questionable substance. ugetsu can't see a thing, and the only warmth he feels is from yuki. there's no reason, no practical reason for how his quiet traitorous self opens the wound of fear and shame and murmurs, ]
...but can you turn the light off.
[ it's still ugetsu, so of course it doesn't sound like a question so much as a command. if yuki still cannot stand though, it's not like anything bad will happen when the lights stay on. the faint buzzing ugetsu can hear so keenly amongst the machines keeping him monitored, hydrated, stable, drugged, ten thousand things but above all keeping him...somehow that buzzing is so loud. drowning him in fluorescent noise he'd take a knife to if he could.
he'd rather listen to yuki. his inhales. his exhales. his heartbeat.
his hope and his fear. his brilliance and his withdrawals. his love and his hate. ]
you know i don't care to practice with anyone else.
[ aki never had to outdo ugetsu for the latter to see his merit, but he doesn't know how to explain that or particularly want to. he just wants aki to come to him. ]
[ akihiko can't say no to him, or at least, this time he couldn't. poor haruki's car paid the price. as well as ugetsu but that's neither here nor there. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
You cant get rid of me that easily <3
[ Ugetsu could probably even hear the teasing grin in his voice from the text alone. If waiting bothered him he could have easily just got up and left already, but it didn't really. Not to mention, it was actually kind of a nice surprise having Ugetsu offer. ]
I WOULD HOPE NOT ;; LMFDLSF /LATCHES ONTO
/LATCHES BACK!!!
[ he assumes Ugetsu must be stopped at a stop light or something, otherwise... this might be really dangerous. ]
Oh yeah, do you like cake?
:3
[ oh he is!
...unless he isn't. you know ugetsu. ]
I do...why?
<3
I was given some at work but I didn't want it to go to waste.
no subject
So you don't like it yourself?
no subject
It's not that I don't like sweets or anything.
[ It's just that a really sappy thought came to mind and he just... didn't want to mention it. How would Ugetsu even react to him saying he wanted to share it with him specifically? Ugetsu would probably laugh or something. ]
no subject
Are you going to share with me?
[ he'll throw his current favorite a bone. please appreciate this rare occurrence touya. ]
no subject
[ He must have really caught Ugetsu in a generous mood today. He feels like he would normally tease the hell out of him and back before ever agreeing to sharing. It's kind of sweet... ]
slides back in here melting
[generous but not THAT generous...ugetsu's appetite leaves a lot to be desired even when he likes something unless it's a metaphorical appetite for the violin, in which case of course, insatiable. ]
fans you~
[ He was teasing though. Ugetsu wasn't really the type to be openly sweet like that. In fact the only time he seemed to be was when he wanted attention and that was usually behind closed doors. Still, any amouint of teasing he could get off on Ugetsu was worth it, because he knew it'd come right back at him soon enough. ]
Maybe I should just eat it now while I'm waiting for you.
/appreciates immensely cries <3 <3 <3
[ but you know him, touya.
dully considering the fact that he'd walk faster than traffic is going, ugetsu's brows rise both surprised and amused at touya's reply. he wouldn't dare...would he? hm...]
I will simply drive right past you.
<3 !!!!! wipes those tears!
[ He could almost picture the pout on Ugetsu's face right now, but it was just too amusing not to tease. Ugetsu didn't go out of his way to do these nice things, but it was pretty funny that the time he does, that's when the universe is like "hah suffer". ]
thank youuu it's not even that hot here anymore and im like T^T EXPIRES
Declining my company too, Kinomoto?
[ possibly touya can hear that text, the purposeful use of his family name sharp yet strangely playful still the way ugetsu is. it positively drips with ugetsu's particular brand of misleadingly dry perilousness. there is of course a right and wrong answer but he's soft on touya in ways he's not often with others. he supposes that's why they're having the exchange they are now.
then again, touya is soft with him in ways almost no one else is either, or well, no one else period anymore.
so maybe they're even actually. ]
nooooo you can't expire!
[ Perhaps Ugetsu has been a bit too soft with him, because when he gets teased by him in that testing tone (yes ugetsu's texts have tones shhh), it only makes him want to tease right back. ]
/checks my shelf date suspiciously
[ touya can probably feel the petulance rolling off of that statement, somehow always coupled with that not-that-i-Care vibe that ugetsu also implements on the regular.]
Traffic is moving again~
[ so hopefully he'll see him and his portion of the cake soon... ]
your shelf date says you need more hugs /nods
[ He says as if he actually would have eaten it when he promised it to Ugetsu. He may like to tease, but unfortunately his heart is too disgustingly kind, and he wanted to see the look on his face when he ate it. (because he made it himself.) ]
/hugs YOU selfishly T^T
[ well now he's just being DramaticTM for no reason....which Touya is probably used to too actually ... ]
<3 !!!!
<3 ;;
I am not.
[ that is what he says of course, even once touya has gotten into the car and if he still sounds a little sulky, well, he also won't acknowledge that either. apparently he's feeling especially bratty tonight, and because it's ugetsu, he's not sorry, but touya is probably expecting this. ]
no subject
Must have been my mistake then.
no subject
Even when you tease, you're nice.
[ it's something ugetsu has been noticing more sharply lately and it sort of makes him want to slip out the back door of whatever this is at the same time that it keeps him curious. then again, touya draws out the nicer side of ugetsu ten times more than anyone else; and that's odd too. ]
no subject
[ he tilted his head toward Ugetsu, a playful smile dancing across his lips in return. Even if he says that, his "meanness" can only really go so far. ]
As if he could lose Aki that easily~ /making more icons for this
No matter the pain it causes, how does he walk away from that. How, when any other touch, any other lover can satisfy, but they can not arouse him this way. By merely inviting him to touch, calling him to a bathroom to lift him from a shower and yet he wants, craves Ugetsu more than if another had elaborately made ploys to arouse it.
It takes no more than a look, the way his hair falls in his eyes, his fingers draw the bow when he plays, and Kaji wants him, he wants to take that sound, claim it. More than that, he wants to save Ugetsu from himself, bind him to Kaji so that he can not let go of this world so quickly.
Even if he left, could he ever truly be gone. Would Ugetsu not be able to find a way to draw him back, has there ever been a time where it was not that way. Push him away, pull him back, find another lover, sleep in another bed. Yet always, therein in his bones is Ugetsu; he can taste him in every lover he takes. None compare, it leaves him wanting till these moments.
It is that exact thing that keeps him here, the absurdly tender touch, the violent fights, the passion, he can not let go of any of it, even as he knows much of it is his doom. Is it worth it, when Ugetsu is with him this way, yes, every second. Even if it all ended today, it would be worth it.
Because he knows somewhere inside of there is a part of Kaji that will forever be Ugetsu's. He does not want Kaji to tell him he loves him; he does not want him to need him as he does, and yet he can not stand the thought of Kaji any longer feeling that way, and he knows it. There are times he is like this, and he uses it, reminds him with a calloused finger that swipes to claim hip bone. A soft release of breath as touches from Ugetsu arouse him, arching up to remove his shirt in a swift move.
It's all too much and never enough at the same time, he wants it to end, he wants it to continue. He wants to go, he wants to stay but even if he goes, it never truly ends because if Ugetsu were to continue to self-destruct, Kaji would have to return to him, he is too engrained in who he is now ever indeed to turn away if he is in need.
For now, he indulges as long as Ugetsu will allow him, lowering himself back to those touches, finding the sensitive spots along Ugetsu's bare skin with those large hands, so careful with the delicate beauty beneath their touch, it's as if he is adoring Ugetsu through his skin.
At the same time, he dips his head, finding the soft pulse in Ugetsu's throat he closes his teeth over it, dragging along the skin before trailing his tongue over it, a tease, a taste, a touch, a slow build-up of the intensity that has always been their norm.
For others, love may be weightless; for them, it is crushing, devouring, and it comes across in the way they systematically break each other down, only to build up again and lose themselves in that soul-shattering passion that they can only find with each other.
gluttons for punishment...these two honestly.... /has...so many...yet never enough?!
but to love both and to possess both is not the same at all.
those who've been irrevocably in love know it.
you can't stop knowing or noticing once you have.
some kind of hell.
but maybe that's accurate.
ugetsu is a burning sort of creature, born in summer yet suited to the changing leaves of autumn that flame and smoke away in their little manmade huddles. ugetsu is not the fire but he is the thing that catches fire, is the inextinguishable greed of that which begs and commands all in one fell swoop: devour me whole or not at all. there's that cliche, the one about not doing anything by halves, and it suits murata ugetsu within a centimeter's shard of his life.
if asked, he would give akihiko the season of spring but not the way most people think of it. spring has, with global warming, brought untold storms and the beautiful flowers drown before they can truly bloom but it doesn't change the fact that they were there; they existed. akihiko exists too: the violent storm and the beautiful flowers and the wide open sky that probably one day will be his in the hands of another lover who knows how to treat him better.
spring and autumn never actually touch.
it stands to reason that if an impossibility such as this were to occur, the world must be upside down, and so, perhaps they are.
akihiko bites into him and ugetsu fists one beautiful hand in his short hair as if to say: harder. because with akihiko that is always ugetsu's demand, his desire, his plea even if he'd never admit it with that name. even when he sleeps with other men, even when objectively they're rougher and borderline violent, it doesn't do anything much for ugetsu because they don't mean it. akihiko means it: the love and the resentment both, the feelings with broad callused hands that adore and worship and the feelings with teeth that could bruise or rip out a throat in turn, given the right motive.
no one, after akihiko, will ever be enough.
and because it's ugetsu, it's possible not even akihiko is enough but that's an old fight for an old song that isn't even theirs anymore.
but even if the song isn't theirs, the dance might be and even sounds can be movements as any good musician knows: ugetsu's moans, the way he leans in and arches towards every single glance of akihiko's fingers or his tongue or his teeth, all of this is part of it, and all of it is only for aki despite the number of people they both know ugetsu has used to try to push him away.
maybe that's why it hasn't worked; because of course akihiko knows.
akihiko was the first to know ugetsu and perhaps he will be the last.
ugetsu wouldn't mind. it feels appropriate.
mine, he thinks with a sigh that's a thousand broken gifts and house fires they never truly intended to fix or put out to begin with, one hand still tight in akihiko's hair, the other clutched so hard at his waist there will be bruises and little red crescents for his trouble. ]
that they are and I love them ...I am already thinking I need 300 150 is not going to be enough ><
It embedded, dug in when Akihiko put his arms around that young man when he let fingers pierce his skin because he could not resist, can not, in some ways does not want to resist trying to burn himself into Ugetsu, to drag him from that swirling abyss he seems to sink into and clutch him to himself. To use the turbulent rains of spring to douse the fire of Autumn and let Ugetsu bloom, but he did bloom, or he blossomed too soon, Akihiko does not know anymore.
All he knows is that he loves the burning autumn bloom, and he can never stop. Rather it brings his destruction; rather, it is his hell; the love consumes him, and more often than not, he is its willing victim. He does not want to find himself in the hands of another lover; he wants Ugetsu, unabashedly even those who have taken him to try and love him over these years have known it, he does not hide it.
Maybe this is why they are so turbulent, what would their lives have been if not for the intertwining of two impossible seasons, a thunderstorm of spring against a burning autumn fire, crashing, burning with no way to go back. Harder the hand says and harder he gives, leaving his marks now against the soft skin covering Ugetsu's body.
Everything about them is a contradiction at times, a plea for harder from rough fingertips in his hair, a loving touch as broad hands warm skin they have known a hundred times yet craves as he did that first time. Teeth that finally give, bleeding some of that resentment locked inside of him for the pain they have inflicted, bringing it to physical manifestation.
Each of them leaving their marks, if there is another lover in the next days, they will know the claim of mine always burned on Akihiko's heart now burned into his body in the shape of fingernails, his left on Ugetsu in the form of a bite meant to cause pain, meant to cause pleasure in the way only they can.
For Akihiko no one will ever compare, he will try, with the way they push and pull it will happen time and again but inevitably he believes he will be drawn back to a shadowed basement that holds memories of a sunlight practice room within its walls and his first love, the one his heart called to from the first meeting.
Rather, he is enough or not, only Ugetsu can stop him from trying to be, from moving lower, marking claims with teeth across collar bone, done to chest where a soft bud is caught, tugged, teased, loved but not with a gentle hand, it's with that passion that Akihiko once used to play the violin. If the song can not be theirs then he will lock Ugetsu in this dance as long as he can.]
LMFDSKJDS YOURE MAKING ME WANT TO RE-VISIT HIS MUCH FEWER PAGES & DO MORE LLLFMDSL
a lie detector and the world's best psychic might have a better time of getting to the real truth of course: ugetsu is soft and he is not soft. ugetsu is music and he is the dead silence of the sky bleeding blue down into his dark eyes saying: you are just waiting to become a part of me aren't you? ugetsu is the rain and he is the moon and he is the eight-span-crow and he is just a person. fallible. flawed. borderline fictional with his warp and weft of lies micro-stitched with truths he no longer can differentiate from.
for example, this: i love him to death.
akihiko uses his teeth and his hands the way ugetsu requires: mercilessly.
once, in one of their more recent arguments, akihiko grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise and ugetsu slapped him hard enough to split the skin under his eye even with his short well kept nails and the words spat back and forth weren't new at all. but ugetsu remembers some of the repetitions more than others.
"i'm trying to help you!"
"i never asked for that!"
and the thing about ugetsu is, as far as both of them can probably tell?
he never will.
someone once posited that ugetsu could be bleeding out on the floor with a fully charged phone at hand and he wouldn't use it.
they weren't wrong.
there is a fine line between daring life to leave him and living life to its very edge.
ugetsu might not know any other point on the map.
when they are like this though it matters maybe a little less or at least can be ignored in favor of the painful bow of ugetsu's body, the arc of his back as if to press more of himself into akihiko's mouth, his tongue, his teeth, the shivered heat of his exhales and any sounds he might mete into ugetsu the same as a song would do. because as much as aki gives him like this, like this, ugetsu will swallow it all, will open up just to pull him down. over and over. his legs hook up against akihiko's waist, a premature motion as akihiko lost his shirt but not his pants; sounds like a you problem, ugetsu thinks with wild humor and draws his hand down to akihiko's nape where he curls tight and meaningful. the other falls into the sheets easily enough, twists in the contrasting cool of the cotton there.
a few times, just to irritate him, ugetsu suggested akihiko stick around when he had someone else over. predictably, akihiko never did. but if he had he might have learned a few things, not the least of which is this: no one unravels ugetsu quite like akihiko. sex can be fine enough and often it is. ugetsu tends not to say no if he likes their face or -- more rarely -- their sound. but the supine arch of his body and the near desperate breathlessness and the moan that's as inherent in ugetsu's voice as it is in the tremble of his fingertips like akihiko is only so many strings -- these are only for him. the others don't care enough, you see, to hear or see him the way aki does.
probably no one ever will.]
Ahhh...ha... [ his laugh is stolen summer heat and yet he wears it well, the lilt like the curl of his smoke and the pause of his violin practice when it rains. ] ...I wonder why.
[ he doesn't finish that thought out loud but maybe akihiko can tell.
i wonder why you always give me what i ask.
and,
i wonder for how much longer yo will. ]
I have been doing that slowly over the days to make ones for our thread and future threads XD
-------------------------
[Perhaps that is part of it for Akihiko he knows what Ugetsu is and is not, it's not that he does not see the humanness, the flaws of him, the deep darkness, the bright light, everything that he exudes, Akihiko sees it. In startling hues, it blinds him, binds him, and altogether seems to be the symphony that controls his life. As Ugetsu's sway rises and falls like the moon, Akihiko is like the tide, forever beholden to its call, answering, giving it what it wants.
It is giving Ugetsu what he wants, even if every part he gives can seem as if it will make him bleed. Perhaps he no longer knows who he is without the sweet torment that is this love, so lost under it that to feel another in his heart seems impossible.
Forever the question, the request, the need to save Ugetsu even as he knows, the other does not want him to. He is fighting what may be a losing battle, yet like the war-torn soldier, he continues, the beats of his heart his battle drum. The soft release of stolen summer as Ugetsu laughs are his war horn.
The soft exhales, whispers of sheets, sounds of skin, mouths touching, the perfect arch of that seeming delicate body that he may not know is only for him; they are his battle cry. The only way to feel alive for him is when it's like this. Marks, from fights, from lovemaking, from years of twisting into each other's soul, are wounds that he wears with a sense of desperation.
How many times does he return after one of those fights, after one of those taunts to stay, to see Ugetsu take what he wants from another lover, from another body? Because he can not stop himself, for Akihiko, there is no place far enough because Ugetsu is buried with him.
Legs around his waist, drawing him remind him he is too covered, it's nothing to undo them, a dance he knows as he has often become too engrossed in Ugetsu to think of things such as his pants till they hinder the feel of the other against him. It's a shift, a draw of teeth across skin as toes hook fabric and hips rise to shift his long legs free, kicking them once he does.
Still, his hands, his mouth, his teeth claim Ugetsu's skin, leaving a mark here, promising another there. Take other lovers it says, I know you will, but remember me. In some part of him, he wants always to burn himself into the violonist, wants any other lover he takes to fall short.
Because for Akihiko it is the same, where else can find this burning passions, the mixture of need, love, desire, hate, music, it's all-consuming, and when he finally sinks flesh to flesh into the hold of those legs it is all he ever wants.]
Because I can.
[Because I can't
I can't let you go
I can't hold on to you
I can't stop trying to save you
I can't stop loving you
The answer is as it has been, always, in some way Akihiko will belong to Ugetsu, and in truth, it will be no surprise to him that if always, he returns here to this place, to give Ugetsu what he wants, as he has ever done, even if it is the very heart in his chest.]
/im in love with the scene all icons of this sort are from sob so i just /uses them forever haha >>
but friends? ugetsu doesn't want to be friends.
ugetsu wants akihiko to swallow him up and leave nothing left but the sound of their violin practice. ugetsu wants akihiko to leave him to decay because it's what he deserves. ugetsu wants akihiko to kiss him on the mouth the way the sun rises low like lover's hands across the ocean every day without fail over and over. ugetsu wants. he wants so much it hurts and it's unbearable and it makes him feel alive and wonder what it would be like if he wasn't. since he was a child he's been fascinated by the notion. the divide between life and death is so very small. perhaps that's one reason he's so enthralled with sato mafuyu, the boy who let summer help him live with his ghosts. but ugetsu knows that's different. ugetsu knows to feel responsible for a ghost and to become one oneself, well, those are incapacitatingly different things.
of the things ugetsu's body knows, there are only two he has hurt over and been hurt over and will yet hurt again: the violin and akihiko.
but even when it hurts, he loves it.
if akihiko loves him roughly, if he presses against ugetsu the way ugetsu has long been the thorn in the side of his heart, if he makes ugetsu gasp and moan his name the way only a soundproofed room can permit...if. it's enough. it's everything. ugetsu will hold onto it until akihiko truly walks away from him. maybe he'll have bloody hands at the end and maybe the blood will be his own and maybe that will be worth all of this too.
for the world, ugetsu plays perfect concertos.
for akihiko, ugetsu becomes the concerto and dares akihiko to stay skilled enough in love enough here enough to play him the right way. ]
Hurry. Aki...
[ as if they don't have all the time in the world.
well. that's true really.
they both know it even if they never say so.
theirs is a relationship that burns at both ends incandescent with a hundred feelings trying to speak over each other.
ugetsu loosens his legs to free akihiko , lets them fall open lightly against the bed leaving his not-boyfriend plenty of room. for one as lethargic as ugetsu can be, he's quite flexible; that would be the sex he has to thank for that, but no need to put too fine a point on it. his gaze is half-mast as he peers up at akihiko, long eyelashes dark and curling, irises improbably bright in the dark of the basement like some hidden truth. he's flushed, panting, the blush in his cheeks the same as in the hollow of his throat and even pink in the tips of his fingers, the sharps of his knees, his whole body supine beneath akihiko in an unmistakably wanton fashion because ugetsu has never been one for shame about this of all things. when he slightly twists his body it seems almost unconscious, the coy turn of his head that makes his hair fall just so, the minute backward tilt of it that offers up his throat again. only the way his hands slide to akihiko's waist gives anything away, matches up with his demand for him to hurry.
but as much as akihiko just gives to him, ugetsu also likes the part of him that denies ugetsu, a thing no one has tried to do before. especially he likes it in bed and he's not sure what that says about himself at all - that he'd rather die than beg anyone for anything if it's an everyday affair, but if he's strung out and trembling in bed with akihiko, well, he wants to be even more so - relishes any time he pulls on his hair or yanks him by his chin or pushes down on his throat just to make him shut up. because only akihiko would dare. it's what makes them such a good match and it's what makes them terrible.
you would never.
wouldn't i?
would you, ugetsu thinks with unintentional wistfulness.
sometimes he hears the song on the old man's radio and sometimes he hears brahms and sometimes he just hears and feels akihiko's voice in his skin. it doesn't matter what he says. ugetsu's body soaks up all of akihiko's words like a starving animal. because he's greedy for anything he'll give him, and even if more people can see it easily with akihiko, it has never made it less true for ugetsu.
the words are water droplets on parched lips, ]
Need you.
[ how convenient, a sad smiling part of him inside thinks: that in bed one can say that and it will be taken just for that meaning and no other.
even if there always, always has been more than one. ]
You and me both I have similar icons >>
And always, it's Ugetsu, try as he might because so many would say it would be better. It's only here, with those tiny knives of the past and those delicate fingers against his skin, ripping, tearing into his soul, and bleeding him out that he can feel alive. The irony that the very thing that threatens to consume him, ravish him and drown him is the only thing that awakens him. Akihiko knows this; all the wants, all the passions, all the fascinations with the notions of no longer being, they are all among the things that make Ugetsu irresistible and impossible to hold onto entirely at the same time.
As if it is any different for Akihiko, his body knows this pain, knows what will come later, once the passion is spent and the day to day life returns, what will come between this tumble into their desires and the next one. Because there will always be a next one, there is a part of him that believes even if he walks, attempts to move on, this place here. This song will be the one he can never stop humming, the one he can not let go.
It's not if he can, it's not if he will because he can, he will, he may make Ugetsu wait, make it drag out in the way the other drags him because if Akihiko in his love can play Ugetsu, the same can be said for Ugetsu, his fingers, his words, his skin, the taste of his lips are all that control Akihiko, even his love, the pain it brings, the pleasure, it is never if, it is how long can he hold back before he gives precisely what he knows is wanted. Because it is what he wants, they are no longer made for gentle, sunlit practice rooms.
They are darker now, soundproof basements where the sun can not reach, where no one or nothing can invade, be seen, or be heard, except the melody of love, pain, and pleasure they continue to play for each other.
One day maybe it will become if he fears and hopes for it all in one, but even then, can he honestly say that the temptation beneath him will be one he can forever refuse? Or will he only fade for a time before he is drawn back into this embrace?
Would he? He can not say. Can he? Yes, he could. Will you push till I do? Will, we both burn to oblivion and cease to be at the same moment, or will we burn till the tie is broken. The latter seems impossible; there is forever a hook, drawn with thread, leading to the other where another angle sinks in. Their hearts are as much one as their bodies even as they try to refuse it, try to deny it, and focus solely on the physical expression of words neither utter anymore.
I love you..
I always will...
Ugetsu knows how to tug his control, how to turn his head, tumble dark locks, the exact look in his eyes that Akihiko can not resist, his skin flushes in the way Aki craves, every inch of him is perfection and destruction in one swoop, the shamelessness is matched in his own body, nothing to hide, they know the deepest, darkest parts of each other.
And still, they both crave, perhaps they crave more because all they hide now are the very things that bind them, their hearts.]
Always so impatient...
[Tonight he is not going to cave, not yet, he is going to take the offered throat, his teeth, his tongue, his lips heavy, leaving their mark, letting the skin blossom with a darker color, the only way he can "claim" any part of the other and he is not going to pass it up.
His muscles shift, sliding, bunching, coiling in response to fingers that tease them, fingers that pull him closer, fingers which he pushes back against, as if to tell them, no, only to slide forward, body to body in a slow, teasing glide, promises of what's to come, of what he won't give till he is ready.
That he'll give it, Ugetsu knows, but he wants to hear it, see it, he wants to force every ounce of confession, of Ugetsu's need for him from his slender frame, then consume each of those needs and sate them as only he can.
In bed, it can, with another lover perhaps, with Akihiko, he hears the truth of it, the fact that keeps him returning, that draws him back ten steps for every two he takes away.
Need me, his touch demands, his fingers sliding into his mouth, two digits dampened, just enough, not more, not less, it can't be too easy, can it. His mouth wears that smug as sin smirk, his green eyes pierce into half-opened ones, they dare, they promise, and rather he wants them to or not, they love.
Always
Lips crash to lips, teeth claiming the top one with a nip, pinching as they let go, in the same touch, fingers enter Ugetsu, corded arms flex, bodies slip across sheets, skin to skin and lips become his playground for the moment, biting here, teasing a tongue ring against nicked flesh, pressing, tasting, taking from Ugetsu in the only way he will let him.]
<< birds of a feather flock together...
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
teeth. nails. blood.
but never tears. ]
now and forever
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
t h e y !!!!!!
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]
Sorry for the wait!
Is it all people?
[And on that note, can a list of people you want to bang even be called a bucket list?!]
fff no rush! i'm v slow myself tbh lately -- v backtag happy <3
[ and if it WAS a murder list well, it ups the chances of being caught...
....but fair point. a bucket list ordinarily oughtn't involve murder or sex probably, but ugetsu is still fairly convinced it was one. ]
Oh, good! That's a relief! <3
Still, Mafuyu barely furrows his brows at his screen. Once again, his words didn't get across properly.]
No
I mean
Is it a list of only people?
Not things
<3 <3 <3 just super happy to tag w/ mafuyu! best boy ;; <3
I should be saying the same back to you! Your Ugetsu is a blessing. <3
???
Cities to sleep with people in?
<3 <3 <3 i am glad u don't mind him i know he is a Troubled Guy SOB <3
And what about the young prodigy? Do you have a 'bucket list'?
He is, but that doesn't mean he isn't great!
I've never thought about it
Do you mean a normal one
Or one of people?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
no subject
If I did It would only be one person anyway
But
I want to keep making music
And stand on stage again and again
Is that too simple?
no subject
There's nothing wrong with 'simple' anyway.
[ ugetsu rather appreciates simplicity. there's a refined beauty to it. arguably even very complex things, if sound at the core, have a simplicity to them. for example, mafuyu's desire to take the stage again -- to say what he wants to say, to have it truly be heard; ugetsu can read these lines well enough -- is a straightforward 'simple' one. and yet it isn't. the intent, perhaps, but the nature of it is characteristic of a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle.
still he saw that puzzle come to a whole picture that first night he understood what mafuyu was -- the first live, the night he thought, ah i see. that kind of thing can't be replicated; it can only be created. everyone watching that night knew it even if they couldn't articulate it; the ones who reached for hands to hold or cried uncontrollably or made no sound at all; every single one of them.]
Are you writing anything now?
@ AUDIENT
You could be both.
Viola has an open invitation. Cat privilege.
I did say, and it isn't. If it was 'bad' I wouldn't be talking to you would I?
no subject
i don't know about that logic
i think if you're bleeding it's bad
are you home?
i think you should be lying down
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I'm home and I'm lying down. In fact, I'm pretty comfortable.
[ pauses over his next reply, slightly readjusting his position of lying-on-the-floor to sitting-up against the counter's side. ]
Sitting up*
I really am fine. I don't mind this kind of thing.
[ which is why he ends up in these tiffs more often than is strictly advisable probably ]
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look i'm not gonna judge if you're into that kinda thing
a lot of people are
but there's an aftercare element to it that you seem to be missing
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[ he's bemused, somehow. ]
But I don't need them for anything else.
Is it hard to believe I'm fond of a fight?
[ he doubts it, but he's curious even as he's not stupid enough to not notice how bad a habit he's formed. on the one hand he really would like to see mars and viola, and offer if nothing else, stable heating. on the other hand, even someone as self-involved as ugetsu can see the lines he crosses whenever he troubles someone like this. he doesn't even feel 'bad'. it's just he might at least know when to stop; maybe. ]
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yes and no
yes because you're like really classy-looking when you play your violin
but no because you've also got a really mean streak
not that it's ever been directed toward me but your roommate gets it pretty bad sometimes
but i still think you like him even despite that
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But you're not wrong.
[ a minute later ]
On second thinking, don't go through too much trouble.
I can manage on my own, and I still owe you for taking me in when I was locked out before.
[ it's sort of very bad when ugetsu starts behaving vaguely like a normal person who considers others but it is where he is right now, and he's too tired for his usual veneers. ]
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i don't mind coming over ugetsu
in fact i want to and viola wants to too
she likes your hair a lot
i'm bringing the first aid kit so just stay put
do you think you need stitches or a hospital
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I don't think so. But then again I'm not a professional.I drove home just fine so probably not?
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somehow i feel like you shouldn't have driven home but since you already did i'm glad you didn't wreck yourself
i need like 20 mins
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[ somewhere. for unknown reasons to him. akihiko is probably just screaming after ugetsu sends that text. ]
Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.
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where's your roommate by the way?
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No idea.
[ probably with his new boyfriend, or, perhaps practicing the violin alone in a studio that isn't here. both are, in ugetsu's eyes, awful, so of course he won't acknowledge it. ]
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we'll i'm gonna be there soon so i'll see you in a little bit ok?
just text me if you feel worse
[ it takes him a few minutes longer than promised to get to ugetsu, viola tucked into one corner of his duffel bag amongst soft miniature blankets. also in the bag is the first aid kit. something about this whole thing just seems off, but ugetsu is... unique in many ways, and perhaps this is just another thing that he does. mars still worries, though.
the door is unlocked when he gets there, though he doesn't know if it was intentional or due to ugetsu being absent-minded. or too much in pain to notice. he makes his way to the basement, one hand gently petting viola as she peers at the unfamiliar surroundings in tiny kitten angst. ]
Ugetsu?
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Hello. I hope you didn't have any trouble getting here.
[ he squints at the duffel, thoughtful. the ache in the back of his head made him a little nauseous before but that's ebbed off, and he supposes his inability to focus his eyes is residual from that too; the narrow edge of dizzy. well, that's why he's sitting after all; completely taken care of. or so he'd say. the swelling bruise on his face, threaded with jagged abrasions that came from tasteless rings, well, he wasn't lying when he said it doesn't 'bother' him. 'hurts' is almost a friendly word. he hasn't been thinking hard about anything all morning or night; it's pleasant.
though he does wish he could focus his vision better, because... ]
And hello to you too.
[ it's not that he can see viola; it's that he can't imagine she's hiding anywhere else on mars, though if she was that would be impressive on both their parts. ]
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[ ugetsu might think that he's "fine" and "taken care of things" but with one look mars can tell that that isn't the case. the bruise blooming on his cheek looks worse than he imagined with the little ring cuts, and with one look at his unfocused gaze tells him that he might have a concussion. ]
Hey. [ he sets his bag down and kneels by ugetsu, lifting his hand to very gently touch his hair. he must have hit his head somewhere, and — there, he feels a bit of wetness, his brows knitting together when his fingers come away with a little smudge of red. ] You definitely understated how bad this was. I think — I think I should take you to the hospital. You look like you hit your head pretty bad.
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I'm better off here, with you and Viola.
[ plain as day, he could have written it in the air: I don't want to go and so I'm not going to. it's a difficulty to center his vision on mars; things around him move almost like visible ripples in the air, so he closes his eyes, still smiling innocuous as can be. ]
And it didn't feel that bad, but I probably stained his coffee table.
[ sighing once, he considers what else he could say but each intention sort of slips out of his mind as soon as it arrives. in his head there's always just the ghost of a concerto's aftermath and arguments he's had and arguments he hasn't had. in his head there are useless things taking up valuable space - sentimental facts about a too sentimental time. in his head there is a person named mars and a kitten named viola and the space they take up is perfect.
he opens his eyes, half-mast. ]
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[ he's not sure he can make ugetsu do anything, because ugetsu is the type of person that refuses to be moved once he's made up his mind, but he can at least look after him. what was meant to be a temporary visit now seems like it might be extended into the night. at least until he's sure ugetsu can navigate safely on his own again. right now he wouldn't trust him to take three steps alone. ]
Okay, well... first thing we're gonna do is get you off the floor. [ it's a poor place to get proper rest, for starters. ] I can carry you to your bed. Pretty sure I can bench press your weight pretty easy.
[ it occurs to him that he should probably ask first, but since he's going to take him to bed no matter what the response, he decides to skip over it. gently, he slides his arm beneath ugetsu's knees and cradles him with the other, carefully lifting him off the floor. viola scampers after them, slightly off-balance herself. ]
Don't be mad at me, but you're totally banned from doing anything for the next twenty-four hours. Minimum. It can be extended. [ he makes sure his steps are steady so as to not jostle him. ugetsu is about as heavy as he imagined, which is not very. ] No phone. No TV. No screens in general. And no violin.
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the truth: ugetsu was being dramatic and feeling sorry for himself. also the truth: he could not have made it to his bed on his own save perhaps on his hands and knees and probably ugetsu would rather literally die than do that. so. you know.
his eyes try to follow viola who's in their wake, her tiny kitten legs a-flurry to keep up, but it makes him dizzier so he closes his eyes only to have them snap open as his head jerks up to stare at mars.
there are just some words ugetsu isn't equipped to hear.
with aki, ugetsu will yell or even hit him. they'll fight until they're both bloody and bruised and equal parts love and the inability to apologize.
with mars, he can't do either of these things; he doesn't want to.
he settles for a lie he supposes mars can see through.]
I think I'd sound poorly right now.
[ he wouldn't. and when he's more coherent he'll try to anyway. but that's later, probably tomorrow in fact. ]
Hmm.
[ everything in the basement apartment is close together enough that the walk to the bed is hardly far, but ugetsu has enough time to get fascinated with the neckline of mars' shirt, absently picking at it, the focal point of his vision so narrow it's immeasurable. the fabric is soft, a word he associates with mars and certainly viola. his vision swims so he closes his eyes again. he's reaching a point where he doesn't feel the cut on the back of his head or its bruising, and not the one on his face either. everything is delightfully blurred except for the way mars carries him -- careful, like he could be protected from himself.
and what would that be like if it was true?
he almost laughs. ]
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it's fine. it'll be fine.
very carefully, he lowers ugetsu onto his bed after pulling the covers back. he quickly fetches a towel to slide under his head, then scoops viola off the floor to set her down beside ugetsu, where she explores the blankets before climbing up ugetsu's leg. ]
I'm just gonna clean you up a little. This is gonna sting.
[ mars is busy with the first aid kit, pulling out cotton pads and some gauze. he's cleaned up his own cuts and bruises enough times that it doesn't bother him, but he's still gentle as he dabs a cotton ball soaked with alcohol against the cuts on ugetsu's face. they'll heal, though there might be a bit of scarring leftover. he's more concerned with the concussion, and he's even gentler when he slips some damp gauze behind ugetsu's head, cradling him carefully. ]
Do I look like one person or two? [ hopefully not more than two. ]
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often he thinks he should feel anger; but privately he just feels sad. then he feels neither and smiles and waves and says thank you and life goes on. it's nothing.
the hand ugetsu turns palm up is a gentle offer for viola who noses his palm before turning in two circles and experimentally pressing her paws just against the bedding next to his hand. he smiles and it turns into a flinching wince nearer the end of when mars is tending his face. but he blinks and ignores it otherwise, much more fascinated by how gentle mars' hands are. he's careful. ugetsu thinks he's probably well versed in this having had to take care of himself for so long, and that ugetsu himself is reaping the benefits is sort of bittersweet. he knows he doesn't deserve it but he's also the kind of person to keep taking what's offered.
eventually, he'll fuck things up. that's almost a certainty.
but for now he has the privilege of mars and the much preferred personal first aid over any hospital. the cautious but deliberate touch to the back of his head hurts but of course it hurts. ugetsu's languid smile doesn't budge as his eyes flit up and he considers the question. ]
One and a half?
[ mars almost looks like a time lapse. ugetsu can hear the music that would play and it has nothing to do with what they're doing right now so much as the particular curves of mars' eyes and the soft set of his mouth, the sort of sad fear he remembers from when he stayed in his apartment, and this even quieter resilience that manages to care about people who haven't ever earned it. it doesn't say enough to call a song that belongs to someone sad or happy or lost or found.
if mars had a song, ugetsu thinks it would trill well under his fingertips and the fine clear cadenzas would ferry in different weather the way the sky does: blue days are clear knowing they won't always be.
how lucky, ugetsu thinks, to meet a day aware of himself. ]
But I know there's only one of you, so that counts, I think.
[ medical experts say: no.
ugetsu: does not care.
viola: has taken up camp on just the bare edge of ugetsu's palm, her tail flopped along the instep of his wrist. ]
4 from the TFLN prompt...post break up, drawing him back maybe?
What have you done now?
yes yes yes yes definitely yes let's do this!
[ telling aki what's going on means a straight answer, which ugetsu never gave many of anyway even when they were doing well, much less broken up for such an amount of time now. but more than not being a very honest person, ugetsu also isn't stupid; if he gives akihiko an answer then aki has the opportunity to not care or to care, to keep talking to him...or not. how loathsome and annoying, ugetsu thinks with brittle calm, to care so much still. how troublesome. how pointless.
how he missed it anyway. ]
oh the feelings...already...
It's not like I stopped caring.
Are you hurt?
[Never, not once did he, even when he broke up with Ugetsu did he stop caring. Here he sits, with everything he thought he wanted, heart secretly aching for this.
Why? He can not say, except, the text, it may not be honest but it's Ugetsu reaching out and like a desperate man Aki can not stop from stretching his hand out to him.]
/SHAKES THESE TWO WITH BOTH OF MY HANDS....i Love Them
You never write.
[ not strictly speaking true. it's ugetsu who never replies usually, or almost never. tonight he's feeling especially bitter though. or sad. or neither. he decides: let's call it neither. he doesn't feel anything. he isn't hurt. not really. except for the hit he took to his head a while ago that hurts and maybe there's blood or something or oh well oh well, except the problem of the broken plate he didn't pick up and wasn't going to use anyway, except except except. the drinking, perhaps, is negligible. or it isn't.
if ugetsu were a piece of playground equipment, he would be a seesaw inhabited by ghosts.]
/JOINS YOU BECAUSE SO DO I!!!!
You don't respond.
Are you really injured?
[ Where Ugetsu is drinking, deciding he feels nothing. Aki is restless, discontent. The grass is not so green on the other side? Or it is, but it's not the same grass that prickles his skin. Why, even in this, is there a magnetic pull, an urge to move, to go to him. It's not as if there are any real words here saying Ugetsu wants him back.
There are no words from Aki saying he wants to come back. But the restlessness tells that even after saying the words to tend what they started in high school, some part of him is still hooked.]
/basically shoves them into inevitability
[ he is. he very much is. but somehow, that's not the point to ugetsu.
in a fit of impulsiveness, ugetsu hits the call button and it rings only once before he ends it just the same. the place he's curled up on the floor feels cold and a little wet. he must have dropped something else too. it's sticky. the wine? he's been warned against himself enough to know better but he never listens. and akihiko is right of course; he never replies, never puts forth the follow-up even though he'd love to prove he could.
some part of him, some part of him very much like the part when they first met and akihiko slid his arms around him in that music room, understands: you waited for him to let go, so why don't you do the same?
i can't, he thinks and it's so weak and vulnerable and stupid. ugetsu has, lately, been having a hard time with music too though he hasn't said so to anyone, hiding in this basement where nothing ever changes. the only thing that changed, once, was when someone left; probably for their better. he can't blame him after all he himself did to make sure akihiko would.
and yet.
well.
he won't say he misses him, after all . ]
/because they are gives an extra shove!!
Just tell me what happened.
Do you need help?
[It comes as three separate messages. Then his phone rings; by the time Ugetsu is hanging up, Akihiko answers, only to hear that sound. He can not hide his face falling, as if he anticipated hearing that voice on the other end.
He wanted to hear it.
Akihiko believes he can, has always thought he could follow-through, ever hoped, expected one day he would follow through with him that they could both learn. Could they still? Does he want to?
He left; he's supposed to stay gone. But, he misses him. He's worried about him.
He still loves him.
That is why this all rips into him, opens him up like a book, and has him reaching even if only toward his phone. Pressing the call button, Akihiko lets it ring.
Does he want him to answer? Yes. Does he need him to? Yes. Even if it is not what is best for either of them. Maybe the time apart is enough, can he go home.
Bitterness slides through his veins. Home. A soundproof dark basement where even now he imagines the worst, Ugetsu sprawled on the floor, bleeding, finally letting go of this world, and reaching out to Aki is his last goodbye.
Please answer....]
poor akihiko....ugetsu shaving years off his life even before they collide properly
what ugetsu does not remember: how his own usually impervious hands couldn't stop shaking all that night.
his hands are shaking now too.
strange.
he lets the phone ring almost too long, committed to not picking up, when panic flares up again. he'd let it scatter a bit far before, so he has to scramble upright to pull himself over to where it is, fumbling and dropping it even as he hits 'accept'. he's not sure if the phone or his own body hits the floor first, but for the first few seconds of the call he says nothing. it's just the unsteady thinness of his breaths: shuddering in like they don't want to, splaying out because they need somewhere to go whether they're wanted or not; in, out.
in all his life, he's really only ever known two things: music...and aki. ]
That's... [ Do You need help? he almost laughs but he can't quite, coughs instead, sighs like he's already detached himself from the situation, which in a way, he has. in his voice there's the little tells of how it's been going: not well. though he did try at the beginning, threw himself into music unlike ever before until recently when music started to retract its arms and its affair and ugetsu...
well, he's here now. isn't he: the brittle quiet of his voice with the usual coy game it will probably die with, because if anything is ugetsu's last bastion it's his ability to lie to and evade the person who matters the most to him. ] ...that's what...they say.
[ that he needs help. that he's let it go too far. and he can't even argue, not really, so why bother? he's glad, at least, he got akihiko to call him, and he'll hear his voice, and maybe that will be that because despite all of this, ugetsu still believes akihiko has well and truly moved past him. it's just that, behind that 'scary' face, is a person who cares. anyone who knows aki, knows that.
ugetsu doesn't read into his concern because for as much sanguine strength as he puts out there, it's not because it's true; it's because he doesn't know what else to do. ]
but really, would he have it any other way?
He is sliding the trousers up to his hips when the voice he thought he had heard enough, that he thought he had given up rings in his ears,, and Akihiko nearly fumbles the phone.
He draws in a sharp breath; his entire body freezes for a moment. That's
Then he coughs and like a tidal wave.. Akihiko comes to life, his pants are done, he's tugging a shirt over his chest while switching the phone from one ear to the next.
It's like a compulsion, he can not stop himself and nothing that Ugetsu does gives him any reason to. It's like he says I need you with the way he draws out the words. The words themselves, the long, paused silences, filled only by the sounds they make.]
Then ask for it, Ugetsu.
[Tell me to come home, tell me I can? Will he listen if he is not told, will he stay here where he stands now in his bedroom doorway, phone gripped tight in his hand, eyes wide with concern, worry ,heart stuttering in his chest]
What happened, where are you?
probably not...they are both gluttons for punishment it seems sob
[here is, arguably, the very worst of ugetsu. akihiko tells him to ask and he doesn't. akihiko does half the work for him and asks what happened and where he is, and ugetsu won't tell him. akihiko answers in the first place, and ugetsu wastes it the way he's so good at doing. not, it's worth noting, without understanding what he's wasting; he understands very well, just like every time he's pushed akihiko away before; he understands, perhaps, best of all and always will - this finite permanent part of akihiko that is the same as a classic song played for only one person.
they are neither the brightest venue nor the healthiest, but love still happened.
there was still music.
and it was good.
ugetsu blinks at the curiously blurry perception of his phone on the floor just a touch away from his empty hand and thinks that's very far away indeed.]
Nothing happened.
[ in all this time you've been away, nothing. absolutely nothing. even when they argued, there was probably a part of ugetsu that was almost happy. it's not quite 'glass half full'; it's more, a glass that almost fits in with the other glasses you have but not quite and you use only this one anyway and one day it breaks and the choice has been removed from your admittedly undeserving hands. something like that. for someone who calls other people fragile, ugetsu is no great reference for strength. he's just obstinate. it's different; and everyone who knows him knows that - everyone, being, of course, just akihiko really.
he wonders if he'll come. it's not like the door is locked and it's not like this place doesn't remember him nor the other way around; ugetsu is sure.
in a way, he hopes he does just so ugetsu knows he can still make him do it; in a way, he also hopes he doesn't, so ugetsu knows he's been properly declawed despite his best facades. either would do, probably. both are answers that might hold more finality than strangling himself to let akihiko walk away after demanding he do so, all those nights ago on a street made empty as if it knew there was no room there for anyone but the poorly timed love story, the hands that kissed goodbye because the mouths for once knew better. ]
Always and forever >>
A choice in front of him, stay, or go. It is simple; He supposedly made that choice the night he let hands part without lips saying a final goodbye to each other.
It feels wrong for that to be it; somewhere deep inside of him, it’s as if he knew all along. The love that happened, it never stopped, still at this moment, it shivers across the line between them.
Even as Ugetsu tries to push him away and pull him as he has done for so long, it could be just yesterday that they last spoke for how easily this routine was established.
But now, he will not let it be this time. Not this time, he is more robust, he has become more than he was, he is playing again. He found his love for the violin, yet within those strings still wrapped tight around every sound he makes with the instrument, is ugetsu, even if he has denied this to himself.
He stops denying; he moves to shut off lights, grabbing his keys, sliding on his shoes. The decision was made before he ever picked up the phone. He should stop himself; he should turn around; he should hang up.]
It’s what you wanted to happen.
[Nothing, nothing has happened, because nothing has changed, those walls still know him, they even encase him within them in a way, and tonight, he can be heard over the line, obviously making his way to return to them.
More to return to the man who lives within them still. He is just going to see if he is okay, he rationalizes to himself. In his heart, he knows better.]
birthday text (high school still happy AU) -I will get the right icons here- backdated to 10/21
[Read: I haven't seen you since yesterday, I miss you, it's my birthday and I want to see you before anyone else.]
KDFDJSDKFS I love youuuuu and themmmmm
Remember, the park at 4.
[there's only one person whose birthday matters to ugetsu -- not that he'd ever say it like that, but it's pretty apparent in his biased treatment of akihiko. even when he's mean to him, he's sort of nice -- at least as far as ugetsu behavior goes. the truth is, he's had a hard time figuring out what to get him for his birthday. he's never had to know how to shop for someone that you like or....or whatever.
someone you're afraid of being without.
'things to take care of' is just ugetsu standing with a silent violin in his hands, the bow still, refusing to say he wishes he was better at this but also still thinking about it. it never occurs to him that aki might just be happy to spend the special day together, that that would be enough --
-- that just being together, is enough. ]
the feeling is mutual all the way around!!!!!!
But I miss you, let me spend the night at least?
[Since four p.m. is most of the day and he is currently spending his time just waiting. Because that is precisely it, he does not care about a present.
He just wants to spend time with Ugetsu; his parents did not even notice it's his birthday today, nothing new there.
He just wants to be with the one person who, even when he is mean, still cares, he wants to feel wanted, and only Ugetsu gives him that feeling.]
<3 <3 <3
But sure.
[ not 'of course', and not 'obviously'. some time later, when they're 'not together', ugetsu will find it hard to remember this: how he let himself be...himself with akihiko, if only for a while. it will be hard to remember how he let himself be anxious instead of angry, hopeful instead of hateful, in love in love in love without end instead of the end the end the end. it will be hard.
today he thinks he knows already: that aki hasn't been remembered, and in a way that makes him feel powerful and he knows that makes him a bad person.
akihiko.
he's never wanted or allowed himself to want someone as much as the sound beneath his fingertips. ]
<3 <3 <3 I hope you are well
Good.
[Of course, Ugetsu can imagine the very smile that graces his face at the agreement. One day, these will be the knives that dig deepest because Akihiko will never be able to forget how it felt.
To be loved, to be wanted for the first time in his life. It's why, forever, there will be the mark of this very love on him. He knows it now and he will know it then, for now, he is basking in it.
Perhaps it makes Ugetsu a bad person feel powerful but in truth, he is a powerful force in this young man's life, he will remain one. Rather positive or negative, he is now and ever will be the gravitational pull in Akihiko's universe.]
/sends warm thoughts and gentle hopes your way that you are okay too!!! ;3;
ugetsu is also: in love. and when ugetsu is in love even his selfishness can be generous once every blue moon, or in this case, once every akihiko's birthday. so when aki makes it to the park at 4, there is the sound of the brahms that he first met aki beneath, and this one is more refined. neither of them has the ability to see the future, and all for the better perhaps; but ugetsu will never do anything like this again, for aki or anyone else, but the main importance is simply this: he did for aki.
he wants to be the only one for him and beneath his bravado and his sly smiles and teasing fingers, beneath the soft skin that so far only aki has seen and touched, there is a heart. it beats asynchronous to most other people, perhaps even to aki. but it understands time and it understands meter. it understands where the crescendo should be and also the fall. it understands even if it cannot say so.
this is what ugetsu's music, in its purest form, is truly for.
in the future ugetsu will come to know akihiko's weakness for him after a performance. at this stage, it's not as clear yet because when you're in love and not yet falling apart, everything feels like a weakness.
he doesn't open his eyes but he knows when aki is there somehow; he continues to play.
there is wine back at ugetsu's. there is a bracelet. but they both know: this is the real gift.
first love hurts. even now, ugetsu aches.
he's insatiable for it. ]
I am thank you!! <3<3<3<3<3
He knows the love he has found is selfish, but it is the light in a bleak world for him; with Ugetsu, the loneliness fades, music and sunshine are what mark his memories, what he will cling to in the years to come.
And Brahams, it will always be Brahams; when he arrives, he can hear it, his heart responds, his face, his soul is drawn to the sound. He knows it; it is the song that plays for him every day, every moment he has to be away from those fingers that can so delicately bring such beauty to life.
In this moment and for the rest of his life, he is sure, Ugetsu is the only one for him; there is no one he wants, no way he can imagine another holding his heart, not when it is held firmly in the other teenager’s hand.
This is all he could want, and as Ugetsu remains in the thrall of his music Aki is drawn in closer, inch by inch, till he is as close as he can get without interrupting the other’s performance.
Those eyes can not leave the other, can not see anything else, can hear nothing else, and there in his eyes when Ugestsu does at long last look at him will be his heart.
The ache echoes across the notes; Aki feels it in his veins, no matter that it hurts, he needs it, craves it, and only Ugetsu can give it.
His voice is one of love and awe when he utters softly.]
Beautiful.
][ crimsoncommander ][
i'm going to have to assume, based on your sport, that the "ankle break" is not a literal term.
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I loath being looked down upon.
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interesting. once again reminded why athletics will never be for me.
i expect those who don't do their research might have preconceived notions based on your height, but the taller they are the harder they fall, i suppose.
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Exactly, and I'm usually the shortest player on the court. They learn soon enough there's a reason I'm considered an emperor on the court.
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[ and not listened nor put it into practice. ]
impressive, and nothing less than i'd expect from you. quite the nickname.
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There's a reason Japan has the most people who are over a hundred.
One that I strive to live up to. Not sure where that nickname came from. My school's called one of the old kings, so perhaps it came from that.
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[ not keen on adding himself to that statistic, yet it doesn't bear saying outright. he'll keep his handful of bad habits more likely than not though their degree may vary here and there. ]
ah that would make enough sense. i don't think any of my schools have names other than their actual names.
[ ... not that ugetsu of all people would know, ugetsu with his tunnel vision and his 'there but not there' presence even when he's speaking with someone face to face. ]
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[ not a criticism just an observation. ugetsu is busy usually too but with only one thing, and that's rather different and far more isolated. ]
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[Most of his time is spent on basketball, though.]
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though i can't imagine holding such a logistical position myself.
[ it would be a mess but ugetsu never would anyway so everyone's safe from that hypothetical train wreck. not that the uni has one anyway, and not that he attends enough besides. ]
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handwaves to a time when akashi would attend one of his concertos
[ to ugetsu the larger injury from the car crash was not his head wound (bandaged and just being observed now for signs of concussion) but the need to cancel the concerto and, on top of that, criticism for protecting his violin, rather than himself. not that he cares. he can't remember if akashi has any pull with hospitals or which ones but it doesn't hurt to ask.
the news has blown the accident out of proportion and even then some of the wealthier patrons are still asking if he's sure he can't perform. ugetsu's answer would be sure but his manager already made the press statement which was an emphatic no. ]
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It would depend on the hospital. But...]
If you're hurt, let the doctors care for you and follow their instructions.
[At least Akashi wouldn't scold him for protecting his instrument.]
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still, detaining me for another 48 hours seems overkill.
[ he's no medical expert of course and doesn't care to be nor to listen, but as he's got no choice, he's resorted to using his phone. he really does dislike the thing, but boredom whether due to travel delays or hospital incarcerations is a powerful thing. ugetsu's fingers itch for his instrument but that's carefully put away. he couldn't be allowed to play it in here after all. ]
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It's what I tell my team members when they're hurt.
[Mostly, it was the other Miracles to whom he had to tell this. The Kings on his team tend to be more aware of their limits. And he had been lucky enough to have only been over-exerted and had to sit out once.].
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[ bored....ugetsu is bored. and also debating his other options for a jailbreak from the hospital but for now he'll just go with it... ]
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[Sorry Ugetsu, Akashi is the reasonable Miracle. Most of the time.]
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they could at least let me go home. if i'm lying around anyway.
[ but it's more or less ugetsu resigning himself to it, which in a sense, is a good thing. ]
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[ fussy. well he never claimed to be easygoing and most people knows this. ]
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[ logically he does understand. but now he's been denied both the violin and jailbreak he's resigned to dissatisfaction. it's only 48 hours, and maybe it's lucky ugetsu isn't going to make some poor nurse's life THAT much harder. he's just going to be sullen as hell and lose interest in everything he could do, whether that's eat the terrible hospital food or respond to his manager with anything other than a running emoji. ]
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i've never been to this one before.
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I haven't been to that one either.
You should be able to play in the morning. If not, let me know.
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[ sent the morning after, confirmation enough, since second to being able to leave the hospital, being able to play is at least, the best he could hope for. ]
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][ snekfriend ][
sounds inconvenient. do you let it roam free in general?
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does she like other people or just you?
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i've never met a snake before.
[ not of the actual snake variety anyway. ]
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I understand if not. Not everyone is comfortable with them.
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I would really like you too. Theyre really quite harmless.
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][ furious ][
i do mean it, but it's also not that serious. i wouldn't expend the time on them to keep them away, but if they come back running that's another thing.
[ sounds like that will not be happening though, which is intriguing to ugetsu in its own way. ]
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Unless you're the last person they see.
[ now that would be bad, wouldn't it? if they happened to go missing and someone knew that ugetsu was the last person they engaged with. ]
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or ever.
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Or ever?
[ idea has his way to make sure the other isn't slandered harshly. ]
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I just want to see if they're qualified, if they're meaningless to you, then it should be okay.
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[ a few seconds ]
one exception: kaji akihiko. off limits, thank you.
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I'll think about it as he wasn't really on my mind at the moment.
However, you did remind me.
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You have so many people that are interested in you.
[ isn't that a good thing! ]
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[ maybe just akihiko. and non-romantically, mafuyu. but other than that most are interested in things about ugetsu, not ugetsu himself. not that he can fault them on that, and he isn't interested anyway. but he can tell the difference without even trying. ]
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[ if idea lacked the skill, it'd be an essence he'd love to strip away from ugetsu. what spares him is that he's interested in different things that create the man's character, and if one stands out then maybe idea will change his mind.
for now, it's just the very few people he interacts with that idea looks into. ]
The shape of your face, the time it takes for your smile to build. You should take a look into the world a little more, and maybe you will see.
[ idea only does because that's what a limited life span offers him. ]
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[ the comment on his face does earn a sort of dry humor on ugetsu's side of things. it says a lot he's messaging this much, given how much he hates cellphones. but his layover is extensive and there's nowhere he's allowed to practice, so... ]
my world is here.
[ the violin case currently resting on his lap though he's not going to explain that. ]
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[ nor does he care, but if they want to talk about the shallow interests of people who learn about ugetsu, then they can do that. ]
Are you the only resident or is there more people in your world?
[ people have a different view on what makes their world, and it's conversations like this that tend to be interesting. ]
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[ it seems pointless to restate akihiko's name, and he's not got any reason to cite mafuyu specifically. if he tries to think of anyone else, well, he can't. oops. so not "a few". a couple. oh well. ]
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[ a few, and yet akihiko is the only one who is apparently off-limits, idea files away that he'll get a more in-depth understanding of those around him through a report.
he likes him enough so there's no reason to shake up his world just yet. ]
Come out of your world sometimes so I can see you.
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[ aside from that, ugetsu sees no reason to offer anything else. "out" of his world? the stage. his basement apartment. the sometimes-apartment in new york. he's not even sure he'd count the latter, yet.
he's not sure why hagiwara has enough interest to converse, but if he wants to see him in-person, post concerto is opportunity enough. ]
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[ idea tries to keep himself from laughing, but he'll accept what's given considering it would probably be entertaining enough. he'll leave renge to do the work and make sure that all the testing in the facility goes correctly. ]
Thank you.
[ he has manners. ]
Or am I getting ahead of myself. Is there something you want?
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i have an allotted number of tickets for each performance, so it's not as though i had to go to any extra trouble for it.
[ which isn't to say he wouldn't try to collect later, if something did occur to him, but he doubts it will. there simply isn't anything he can think of wanting that hagiwara could offer.
the fact that he would not call it kindness hardly needs to be said. ]
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[ what that means is pretty vague, but the working mind of idea is an interesting thing, there's so much to do and to be done in a specific way. ]
Is there a reason I can only see you after your performance?
[ he'd ask if this is his way to calm himself, or maybe find comfort before having to deal with others... but he'll keep his thoughts to himself. ]
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[ that, and he would never arrange a meeting before a performance, not wanting anything to interfere.
but it's true that his time is vied for usually, once he's already in the open after being on stage. there are politics that come with being murata ugetsu, though he handles them as little as possible. ]
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[ amazing when idea has so much time to do whatever he wants, but it's not like ugetsu is given the same luxury as him. there's no lackeys beneath him that handles all his problems, vice-presidents to pick up what he sets down, and his own hard-working dog that does everything he says completely. ]
I'd suggest you take the next month off, I'm sure you can make that possible.
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[ which is the same as saying "no it's not possible" or at least ugetsu isn't willing to do it. he's not attached to the limelight itself but it goes hand in hand with his luxury of pursuing music. if he doesn't have this, there will be nothing, and for all the hours he spends practicing in his soundproofed basement apartment, it's not the same. it doesn't reach anyone here, the convoluted mess of things overwhelmingly big and terrible and beautiful. music reaches further than one thinks but it has to be in a place it has the chance to do so. ]
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[ there's no ifs, ands, buts or nos about it as idea decides for both of them. this is what knowing someone from a criminal organization will get him: in situations that he wouldn't want.
because the pieces that make ugetsu are carefully wrapped in the world he's made for himself with its limited people and interactions, idea must see how he fares outside of all of that.
he's so curious, it can't be helped. ]
If you're unable to cancel them, I can.
I'm sending someone to handle everything.
[ doesn't idea work so hard for him. ]
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even if you cancel them, why would i go? where, even?
[ unconsciously his head sinks deeper into the scarf thickly circled around his neck, eyes low-lidded. it's not even his scarf, but breaking up with one's first love doesn't mean letting go. ]
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[ idea laughs at this noticing the other's willingness or could it even be called that? it's the "if" but there's not really an "if" it's more so a command that will be done. one individual feels encouraged to see this out for as long as idea focuses on something else that isn't his private work, then the happier they are. ]
I'm thinking a private island with clear waters. I'm not finalized on the choice.
[ there are some places known for their museums, but the issue here is idea's weak body so there's only so much he can offer.
his choice would revolve around one where he offers little energy. ]
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[ another question. for fun.
but also, ugetsu rarely encounters anyone who dares actually demand anything of him, much less command. his ex is a different matter and the power dynamics in bed are never translated outside, for better or for worse. which means it's intriguing in its own weird way.
or is he just restless?
if he were to agree it wouldn't matter to him where as long as he can bring his violin. ]
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[ ugetsu should know this, if it wasn't obvious before it should be obvious now. idea makes decisions and will see them through, even with ugetsu's father who he is, idea doesn't feel threatened. rather, his father should be pleased that idea engages with his son in such a... respectable manner.
as respecting as idea makes it out to be. ]
You're lucky I like you, there's many ways I can persuade you.
But I'll play nice, so why deny good company?
[ idea teases, a smile pulling onto his face knowing if he wanted, he could have someone grab ugetsu right now, force him to come along.
it's not a thought he's going to dismiss though. ]
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[ if a text could have a tone of a shrug, that would be it. ]
and i think i'm the one who decides if you're good company or not.
[ part of ugetsu knows he shouldn't be pushing his luck. a bigger part of ugetsu can't help himself, prone to playing bad decision roulette. lately he's been performing more and more stunningly but it feels also like walking a tightrope. he's not sure why. somehow, pushing and pulling with hagiwara doesn't feel as imprudent as he objectively knows it probably is. ]
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[ that's what idea likes to think, but he is special in a way that he'll transcend this life that he has. not many can say that they've thought of doing that or ever achieved, but he's so close, and maybe he will take a piece of ugetsu to perfect it.
he hums, delightfully so until he has to try and decide what sort of company he'd be for him. the best, surely. ]
I wouldn't want to be rough with you, and that fact alone makes me good company.
More than you know.
[ this is like a game of cat and mouse, and idea feels like the cat who is poking his paw along the belly of the mouse he's stumbled upon. rather than eating him up, he decides to keep the individual to entertain himself, and idea is always in a pleasant mood when he's able to ignore ugetsu's choices in favor of his own. ]
You should start packing your things.
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[ now then, he's well aware they are speaking of it in very different contexts and he knows hagiwara will understand this too. but he says it anyway, because why not. ]
in the hypothetical situation where i do go with you, the least you could do is provide the things i need.
[ if he shows up with just the clothes on his back and his violin, well, surely other clothes can be provided, preferred cigarettes, and anything else, though he can't honestly think of anything at the moment. ]
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[ he's well aware of how ugetsu speaks, improper and crass, but his "charming" personality is well received by some people. it's vulgar, but it's not outside the unfortunate norm that idea has to deal with.
though, they never willingly spoke about their sex life so proudly. ]
Don't be foolish, this isn't hypothetical. You'll be coming with me. I don't understand why you're trying to be so difficult about this.
But, of course, I will provide the things you will need.
[ he will, which means idea has the final say in what the man needs, and things like cigarettes? oh no, not good for idea's poor health, but things to sustain ugetsu's survival... well, he can do that. ]
You don't want for much.
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[ plain and to the point, or as much as he tends to be, there's always going to be layers of half truths but that's just the way ugetsu is. he's only ever honest with his music and even then it doesn't usually reach the way he'd thought about as a child, listening to that old man's radio and thinking about death in a way most children wouldn't. his touch and go paper chain with living is liable to tear at any second but until then he lets music turn him almost inhuman, forgetting human needs unless they're made unignorable. the luxury of a healthy body, by comparison: having one to let deteriorate in favor of a higher calling.
ugetsu will bring his own cigarettes anyway out of habit, and if he's wherever idea hagiwara is sending him long enough to run out, well, it's not like it's his main vice anyway.
likely ugetsu wouldn't agree to anything like this a second time, but he's rather confident his track record of not giving people reasons to ask in the first place will hold firm. ]
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Very well. As long as you're willing then I have no room to complain, concede all you like.
[ and fall into the palm of idea's hand with him knowing that he allows for ugetsu to do so. it's romantic in a way, not that it garners positive responses from the other man, but it really is fun playing with relationships and idea bending them how he likes. ]
Everything's canceled on your end. No need to thank me.
What are you bringing along for your trip, do you need help choosing?
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[ he knows it's not as though hagiwara has forgotten that. but restating it is still ugetsu's choice. ]
but i don't need help, no. it's not as though i'm bringing much anyway.
[ violin. cigarettes. the clothes on his body. the earring he wears now though it's not his. what else? ugetsu really can't think of anything off the top of his head. oh of course, a lighter.
his fingertips tap out the measures of a particularly difficult piece before he adds, ]
this seems like too big a gesture in return for concert tickets i get for free.
[ but he already agreed so that's not the issue. he's just saying. men like idea hagiwara, well, ugetsu has dealt with a few though perhaps none as intelligent as they claim to be. there, hagiwara has sole ownership so-far though it's less that ugetsu puts stock in his smarts and more that he has yet to be disproven. people accustomed to getting their way. people of power. people who mete out the difference between want and demand.
most of these, ugetsu glides through whether with more or less contact. if they offer him money, if they offer him venues, if, if, if...then the pace is prolonged. but even then it can be tiresome.
hagiwara is at least interesting enough. it would be a lie for ugetsu to say the risk factor isn't part of it. not quite a thrill but something that plucks at his pulse to remind him he has one outside of a concerto. of course, besides risk or danger, there's that other thing wholly unrelated to hagiwara.
love. yes. that was like that too.
akihiko.probably. how odd. ]no subject
[ like a dog, really. given idea's unfortunate body disposition, such things as pets are unavailable to him. that's why in anamnesis with their technological advancements they were able to create robots with the likeness of dogs, the same texture of fur and temperaments. the removal of the cranium, the insert of a brain to be connected by the inner wires.
he doesn't have to do that with ugetsu (or maybe, he should!), but it's just not idea to not have something animal-like in his possession or nearby. ]
Do you think so? Should I ask for more from you, let me think.
[ the opportunity given shouldn't go ignored, if he wishes to complain, then he can. idea will take advantage of that kindness and indulge even more until it reaches the limit of comparing to a free trip to an undisclosed location that only idea knows. he wouldn't want ugetsu to think that idea is being too generous, that he's incapable of making them equals in some way.
he leans back in his chair, his legs crossed and kicks the floor with his foot to spin his chair just for a little fun, whimsy. it only spins about twice until the chair stops right in front of the window overlooking the facility that he resides in. ]
Having you is as grand as the free tickets, but that's a passive reward that doesn't count, however.
You'll wear something from me while we're together to start, and I'll think of whatever else I want from you while we're enjoying our vacation.
The demands I make aren't difficult, I'm sure you'll carry them out flawlessly.
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[ which is to say he's entirely ready to refuse to wear anything he doesn't like. however, ugetsu is actually quite easier than he makes himself sound. even for performances it's a rotation of similar black suits and black dress shirts, all of impeccable quality and pricetag but nondescript even so. his hair typically stylishly unkempt is in fact just how it naturally is, and only when akihiko would get to him before the stage would he wind up with his soft waves pushed neatly back. "so youthful" was often the comment he got when his hair would be like that, or "beautiful". the former always made him laugh inwardly. was 21 old or young? he couldn't tell. what of 22? well. it's not like ugetsu has ever acted his age anyway, another luxury of being a genius, perhaps.
for clothing though, all ugetsu cares about, more or less, is comfort and not having to think about it. so in that sense, idea's suggestion is great.
unconsciously ugetsu presses fingertips to his own temple. the oncoming migraine is indicative of too much back to back trouble and slight dehydration. his fingers twitch. he can't smoke in this part of the airport. shame. ]
in any case, am i to understand i'll arrive home and turn right back around?
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[ what matters is idea's taste first and foremost, this is a trip he's constructing and inviting the other to. the least he could do is follow the rules of proper dress, or as proper as he decides. what he'll request of ugetsu won't be too bad, it's simple and easily worn that won't stand out at all. he's already excited at putting it on him, and figuring out if their taste is pretty much the same or not. ]
It depends. I did say next month; I am a man of my word.
[ that means if ugetsu is willing to start early then idea won't say "no", rather, he'll welcome the other with open arms. ]
Are you that excited to see me?
[ he didn't know ugetsu felt so... strongly! idea knows that this isn't what he means, but teasing him is ever so easy. ]
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[ that, is called lack of sleep and over practicing and forgetting basic needs like eating and hydrating. "of course you're spacing out, idiot." but no one's there to remind him or nag him or whatever. ugetsu's not putting these simple pieces together because he's decided not to care.
however, ]
not excited, but not opposed. as you know.
[ not, he suspects, that it would make a humongous difference to hagiwara, though ugetsu has yet to experience it firsthand. ]
though if all my things are canceled, as you said, there's no reason i can't.
[ despite exhaustion, he's restless. it puts him on edge and disinclined to be where things are both familiar and foreign now. ]
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[ he doubts it, ugetsu is too young to be forgetting their conversation that quick, or maybe it's something else? whatever could it be? does he tire? does he ache? does he have too much on his mind? there's many questions, but only one answer. ]
I doubt it. You should remember these little things, I wouldn't want you thinking one thing when it's clearly another.
[ idea makes a mental note to look into that, no, he turns around in his chair to face his desk. as soon as he does, he's reaching out for a folder, parting it to reveal a file on ugetsu murata. his index finger runs down a list to double check if there's anything he should know about that. ]
I won't pry until we're together. If you'd like to start now, then I can adjust. However, what I have in mind starts in the upcoming month.
You're a genius, how familiar are you with both math and science?
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as to seeing you -- i can wait. i'm not in any particular rush.
regarding my memory, you'll have to forgive me.
[ some time passes, and it might very well seem like he's outright ignoring the other question, but in this case it's not so. rather, he finds himself occupied answering a flurry of anxious and demanding texts from different patrons about certain canceled upcoming performances, as well as one wholly unrelated but somehow more important. ]
"genius" isn't something i'd apply to myself per se, certainly not outside of music.
that said, i'm familiar enough but nothing impressive, certainly not for someone of your position.
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[ idea is satisfied on whether ugetsu wants to see him or not, even his memory if fine since there's nothing he can find regarding it. his only unfortunate traits are smoking alongside some other relationships, but idea shouldn't complain. this is why he's grateful for what he has and that's the other continuing a connection with him.
time and patience is what idea tells himself. ]
I know it didn't take you that long to think of a reply. What are you busy with? You should be conversing with me.
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[ with an announcement that his flight has been canceled, the only relief is standing and stretching until he can feel everything crack, then gingerly picking up his violin case to head to the nearest hotel, which is of course the one attached to the airport.
as he stands on the automated path, he adds, ]
seems i'll have some extra time even so. my flight was just canceled.
[ after all that waiting. at least once he's in his room he can smoke, assuming he can grab one with a balcony. ]
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[ not really, it's far from important, but it's idea who chooses to give his time to people, and it shouldn't be wasted. ugetsu can do anything he wants, what he pleases, and idea will be satisfied as long as the other returns to him at some point. in the end, he did, and idea has half the mind to praise him for doing so. ]
What a pity. Has the weather been that horrid? That's such a pity, you must have been so busy.
[ a playful text to add to ugetsu's misfortune, but since he has extra time, why not monopolize it? ]
How are you with children?
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i don't know? i'm not often around them.
[ children... that's a very specific question. ugetsu doesn't understand it if he's honest. does hagiwara have siblings? he has no idea. but why would they be coming along on this "vacation"?
in the elevator, he's miraculously alone and lets himself lean back against the wall in what's little more than a collapse. at the same time, his fingers twitch on the valise. shame the hotel rooms aren't soundproofed. maybe he'll risk it anyway. probably. ]
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Are you saying that you put up with them?
[ that seems up his alley, really. idea wouldn't put this past him either considering how his world only consists of so many people.
luckily, it's not a topic they have to linger due to another text message, sent from a separate number, appearing on ugetsu's phone. it's a time and location with strict rules of what he should do along the way there: leave his phone in a box, place both hands on a cold tray, walk through a body scanner among other specific requests. if he attempts to text the number back, it'll no longer be in use. ]
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why are you asking me about children?
[ lingering or not, ugetsu can't help but ask even as he eyes the separate message with a twist of amusement and disconnect. it's dangerous a little, maybe. he supposes. this sort of direction is the kind of thing that would have his ex asking him what's wrong with him and telling him not to do it. because it's ugetsu he doesn't bother trying to reply to that number. ]
is there coffee on this deserted island or wherever?
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[ not really, there's a totally different reason as to why he asked, but this one sounds funnier than the truth of it. besides, it seems like he can get a pretty generic and simple response from him: maybe he's not interested.
idea hums as he taps his foot on the floor, how should he follow up on his whimsical question. has he thought of adoption? he should give it a try. ]
Yes, I hope you have an interest in Western food. As for activities, I cannot do anything strenuous, but I'm open to accommodating you in any way that you'd like in regards to it.
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[ more of him in the world, really. he almost laughs. ]
i don't dislike it, for the most part.
but i wasn't looking to do anything that requires overexerting oneself.
[ if left to his own devices he'll just practice. he doesn't seem to be able to put his violin down for too long but especially when he gets into a mood, which he's long been approaching another. if he is not allowed to do this, said mood will swing magnificently and possibly either extreme of violence or utter sloth, because with ugetsu it tends to be a toss up between these two, even if their forms can vary. ]
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[ such an idea would leave to what, more devastation in the world? not like it needs that, but maybe there's something a child like that could offer. pick up more talents and be harvested for what it's learned? ]
Don't you think we'd have the cutest child. ♡
[ is he joking? anyway.
as long ugetsu doesn't expect so much mobility from idea, then maybe they can coexist peacefully. he has no reason to take away the man's joys or luxuries, it allows him to tap into his true essence so as long as idea can see and utilize then ugetsu can do what he wants.
idea smiles, kicking his feet against the floor. it sounds fun to him. ]
If you want to play your instrument, you can. I'd be your audience.
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and to answer: visually, perhaps.
[ it's probably true but whether serious or make-believe humor, the hypothetical child would be riddled likely with so many physical and mental detriments, that's really the thing ugetsu thinks of after his knee jerk response. then he lets it go because it is a joke isn't it. well either way... ]
convenient, as if i couldn't, i really would have to decline your generous offer.
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[ that makes him curious, just as much as the "visually" on the question of a child. it's so specific that idea thinks that the other must have concerns about the other parts of the make believed child.
oh, he shouldn't worry about such things when idea has so much control. ]
Has it always been this difficult to get a "yes" out of you? They call men like you hard to get. Haha.
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do they?
[ and then, a moment later, ]
playing alone doesn't bother me. practice goes more smoothly that way, typically.
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[ he's not asking for ugetsu to pay attention to him, rather to indulge him a little more. if he can smoke as much as he does, there's other questionable choices to also take up.
well, idea wouldn't want to be labeled as something questionable. ]
Why is that? You must be pulling my leg, but I do want to see you practice. I'm sure there's some way I could help.
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[ there is a part of ugetsu that is curious but there is also a bigger part of him that doesn't trust. all of this is offset by his general disregard for both his health and his safety in favor of the single-mindedness of music. he eyes the other message from the mystery number, the instructions and scant details and lets his gaze fall half-mast, looking for all the world like he's just going to take a nap at this point in the airport. perhaps he will. but before that, ]
i still don't quite understand what you're getting out of this, you know.
[ but he's interested enough to take the offer, this time. ]
can you believe my phone didnt post this tag
[ there he goes again showcasing his curiosity, he won't let things be as they should, and who is idea to take this away from him? he did ask, can't say that he didn't. what is he getting out of this? truthfully, it'd be information, a decision, the ending conclusion of where their relationship stands upon other things. ]
I want to be with you, isn't that more than enough of a reason? It's not so special that I need to profess it like love, unless you're into that sort of thing? Are you a romantic at heart?
[ maybe that's what he was expecting due to idea's curiosity about children and other things, but it takes time to acclimate a person from one view to another. ]
But if you choose to ignore that, we can focus on this: I need your help.
homophobic of it tbqh D<
[ one thing ugetsu certainly lacks is fear or much apprehension of anything. he asks because there's no downside to asking as far as he can tell, and if he's wrong then he's wrong and he'll deal with it then, if he has to. but the questions about hagiwara's own response make him pause, about to just ignore it outright before he sees the next part.
help?
well. ]
i remain curious.
[ the painfully obvious ignoring of everything else hagiwara said is, well, purposeful. but also ugetsu doesn't care about being beholden to answers himself even when he's the one who asked the question! it bears saying he doesn't mean any of it as a game either, as of yet. he genuinely is curious. curious enough to go through with the directions given to him at the time detailed and in the manner given. ]
honestly it did not like the way idea was speaking to him
[ let's see how far that curiosity goes, especially when it means he can pull ugetsu to wherever he'd like to satiate it. hopefully this means idea doesn't have to explain outright what he's having trouble with. ]
It's a once in a lifetime.
[ for him, maybe, but for idea this will be an ongoing occurrence if he's able to get everything like he wants it. who knew ugetsu could be so kind in a way that he hasn't brushed idea off yet, but that's probably die to idea baiting and pulling. just a little taste of the unknown, and lure the other in to want to understand it. truthfully, he did mean it when he wanted to take a vacation for a month, it's just work goes hand in hand with that too.
why not crush two birds with one stone? ]
dslkfsldsjlsj
[ a spade a spade, but that's fine. it's not as if ugetsu knows what the spade actually is, and in reality, if he did know or have more insight, it wouldn't make it a sudden no from him either. if he were to run this by anyone, as if he has anyone to run it by in the first place, that one person would tel him it is crazy and not to go. might even try to stop him even against his will.
the thought turns the corners of ugetsu's mouth up but it's not a happy expression.
he's tempted to tell his ex but if it doesn't go how ugetsu wants it to, he'll be even more discontent. this too has not always stopped him before, but maybe he is just curious enough for real. less about hagiwara and more about what he will get out of him, if anything.
a month? one full set of moon phases. he wonders if it will rain. ]
no subject
[ a liar is a liar.
the less he gives the more ugetsu will come, and it works to his advantage that causes a smile to pull on idea's face. he's way too excited about the chance of seeing his friend face to face, and using him for his own personal desires. would ugetsu be mad at him? they've known each other long enough on the business aspect, idea likes to think. it's with playful intent that he continues. ]
❤️
[ his heart isn't so tiny, but maybe it'd be covered in black ooze from the way he truly acts. when he doesn't get his way, he can't help but hit and curse, becoming abusive to his very own slave. it's fortunate that the other is going along with this without tugging away which means only good things for those who serve under him. ]
I am ecstatic for your help, really. I won't know how to repay you.
no subject
[ and skepticism is at an all time high but that doesn't stop ugetsu from agreeing, does it. even once he more fully understands why he's been half summoned half invited or maybe those percentages are off, well, either way, once he knows, it's not the kind of thing ugetsu gets angry about. if idea were to deny him his violin, that would make him angry. depending on his mood or how much he's had to drink, sometimes the mention of a certain someone can also prod at the fire that does in fact reside in ugetsu but that's tied to music as well. being used does not especially bother him, though he'll maybe have a hard time understanding the details and mechanics. not, perhaps, that he'll even try.
of course, once he knows, he could refuse. or in ugetsu's head there's always the option. on this, possibly, they won't agree, but that's a later problem.
in the end, there's no one who can hurt or abuse ugetsu more than himself, and that's a lifelong truth.
he eyes the heart and ignores it, but when he reads the last, he laughs down against the collar of his jacket. ]
i'm sure i'll think of something. having you owe me is also not bad, all things considered.
no subject
[ best course of action is to want nothing from idea, but knowing that he, himself, could potentially have something ugetsu could gain is a good thing. this is where he understands his position as a resource that the man won't get rid of even if it's in his best interest.
the hagiwara family has a long line of questionable actions, covered up, but still a wealthy company can do whatever they want as long as there is no one to stop them. idea smiles only a little as he's curious himself what the other could even ask for, especially with the type of father he has, mostly everything shouldn't be out of ugetsu's reach depending on the means he uses to obtain them.
maybe that's where idea falls into play. ]
It is my generosity, haven't we know each other long enough that I extend my hand if you extend yours?
[ that's the baseline for anything between two people, but he continues. ]
Having me is a boon in your life, what's that phrase? Take your blessings as they come?
no subject
[ despite his father's position, ugetsu prefers not to go that route for a few reasons. the fact that he's more willing to consider asking idea is...well, speaks for itself perhaps. either way, he doesn't feel the need to specify.
.
by the time it's actually the week he's going through with this slightly ridiculous plan, ugetsu is so restless he'd probably have still done it even if it had more red flags attached. he follows the instructions, perplexed by some, unfazed by others. either during the process with a moment to pause or after he's finished but before he's put on a plane or whatever form of transportation, he thinks to send a message, though he knows hagiwara is well informed of all happenings. ]
i did wonder what would happen if i didn't show up
no subject
[ idea laughs at the thought of ugetsu leaving before the discussed time. there has been people watching him from their first message to inform idea of what he's been up to to ensure nothing goes outside of the future that idea has already thought up for them. he chooses not to admit that. ]
I would have made sure you weren't late.
[ surprising enough, it isn't a plane that's taking him, but rather there's a tall gentleman with cream colored hair, stitches embedded into the skin around his mouth to keep him from speaking, or maybe he can and chooses not to. around his neck is a dog collar with a leash, and he dresses formally with his dress shirt tucked in aside from the jacket over his clothes unbuttoned.
ugetsu's chauffeur wastes no time however, walking over to grab whatever bags the other is bringing along with him. the taller man offers a cursory glance at ugetsu before looking towards the vehicle, specifically the backseat where ugetsu should move to while he works with the luggage. ]
I see you didn't want to get rid of your phone, but it's fine. You'll be too busy with me to stay in contact with others.
my turn to be sure i replied to this lmao scream
[ stitches, that is, and ugetsu does wonder about them because it's such specific placement. collar and leash because who is it for? but there is also the part of him that, as he settles into the backseat, recognizes in a distanced sort of way that he only cares insofar as he's bored. his head throbs and there's a part of him that is apprehensive. often he prefers to be the one driving because it's the one surefire way to avoid his motion sickness, which sometimes can be quite violent. but for now he says nothing, not sure his gentlemanly driver can reply anyway.
to idea, however, ]
to be honest, i forgot. i'm not particularly attached
i prefer the radio.
[ not that they do the same thing per se. but for news. weather. like some old man. the radio works, and the reception doesn't die in his basement unit for some reason. ]
LMFAOOOO SOOO TRUEEE its ok i understand you the best
[ unspoken words of "would you like to match?", idea can help him with that. all ugetsu has to do is run his mouth to the point that he doesn't want to hear him anymore, and idea will go out his way to make sure that those lips are sealed. idea smiles, fox-like in appearance, but he moves when knowing today is a special day. ]
If you want the radio, then you should ask your driver. I can't say he'd listen, but it's worth a try. I'm so happy you decided to come along, there's so much I want to talk to you about.
[ from minor details about ugetsu's life to something more thoughtful about what he wants for the future, and then personal things such as what parts of his body he's willing to offer to science. hopefully that's not too rude considering he's gave his fingerprints first and foremost. ]
I want you to think about something during your ride, it's a rather interesting question that you may already know the answer to.
handshake meme forever
[ the comments that follow get no response from ugetsu for at least a few minutes. one could chalk this up to any number of reasons, but in fact there isn't one. not really. ugetsu just spaces out, a side effect of being overly tired perhaps or unconsciously stressed. when he finally does send a reply, he's sure it's less than what might be considered sufficient, but he doesn't trust idea despite agreeing to this little vacation. ]
i don't need the radio here, at least not yet.
and i can't promise to think about anything, since i might fall asleep any second, but i'm open to suggestions.
[ no matter any previous implications at any point in their interactions, ugetsu still believes he has full independence of the situation if he so chooses to exercise it. it's just that his curiosity outweighs that option still, for now. ]
always know you can take your time tho, no rush!!
[ this text message has something attached to it, a .pdf that ugetsu can click when he's ready. there's nothing else that follows after from idea as though he's leaving the remainder of ugetsu's full independence to himself. it's a pretty simple request though: click the link, read the information and follow up with it which can all be done within the car. it wouldn't make sense if it wasn't something he could do then and there, but there's a low sigh from the driver as he reaches for his own phone.
horrible etiquette of how he shouldn't be on his phone and drive, but he does pretty well managing with watching the road.
idea would never take advantage of someone so soon, truthfully, he likes his friend so much that he'd at least play with him before suggesting he does do the things that idea want.
for now, it's the freedom of choice.
... ]
you too tho! never any rush! backtagging is very real and true
to idea, it will seem like ugetsu is "typing..." forever, because he fell asleep with his phone open on the reply screen. whether he's woken up by another text from idea or a call or arriving at the mystery destination is anyone's guess. but for now, he sleeps. as honest a look as he ever has off the stage. ]
happpy new year and i hope you had a wonderful christmas!!
Wake up, wake up... We can't afford to miss our trip.
[ it's hard to tell if that voice belongs to a man or woman for a stranger, but for ugetsu, he'll already know that it belongs to no one else but idea. all the items that ugetsu has brought: his violin case, and everything else has already been retrieved from the car. it's just him and idea in the underground parking lot with only so many cars. there's barely enough to count on two hands. ]
I won't be mad at you for falling asleep.
[ the phone is gone as well, probably taken along with his things or simply taken and discarded. idea doesn't want ugetsu's attention stretched too thin, that's why he should simply offer it all to idea. ]
Come on. [ if he moves, he'll feel something tight around his neck, but enough room to breathe without unease.
in idea's other hand that holds onto the cane, there's something like a ... leash handle held by curled fingers. ]
happy new yearrrr things are nuts im sorry this was so delayed 💔
his voice comes soft and in the vein of lilting. ]
You think I'd run away after agreeing to all this trouble?
[ even if it's not the real reason, the answer of course is yes he would. ]
and the only reason there are no questions about his violin is that he thinks of all things, idea must know that doing truly away with it is not the way to get cooperation from him. assuming agency is at play at all here. ]
cont! 💖
[ ugetsu does not reply; yuki doesn't care. he's blind as well, albeit metaphorically, fear and trauma flashing before his eyes so fast he can't tell which memories are real and which are false. he runs the five blocks to the hospital and is so winded when he arrives that the receptionist thinks he needs treatment himself, but he waves her off, asks her where murata ugetsu is. she's hesitant at first but yuki has charisma to spare, even in his current state, and so she relents; if his mind were clearer, he would notice the spark of recognition in her eyes. a tabloid rumour waiting to explode.
yuki yoshida and murata ugetsu. two names that, would never normally appear in one sentence.
they've triaged ugetsu, put him in a room somewhere upstairs. it means he isn't dying. the hospital feels cold and cruel around him; it makes yuki's skin itch as he waits impossibly long in the elevator, as he wanders down hall after hall, looking for this stupid, stupid man.
he wishes he had shot up before coming.
in reality, it doesn't take long for yuki to arrive. an hour, maybe. there is a nurse in the room fussing over ugetsu, blocking him from sight.
please, murata-san, you have to rest --
ah. petulant as always, it seems, even after seeing the edge of death. ]
Ugetsu?
[ yuki's voice is breathless, his ragged body fuelled only by adrenaline at this point. there are equal amounts of accusation and worry in his tone, anger and love, things that can only be heard by one who understands sound. music.
a blood red moon. ]
<3!!!!!!!!!!!
i love you.
murata ugetsu hears all of it. a song you scream rather than sing. or whisper in your sleep instead of out loud when you're awake. or nothing nothing nothing.
everything.
the nurse obscures him from yuki while she continues to fuss, casting not one but two suspicious looks back over her shoulder at the blonde, a similar flicker of recognition there as the receptionist had. his burned and bleeding hands re-bandaged just now, sit shaking violently in ugetsu's lap. he doesn't want yuki to see him like this.
at the same time, the way yuki's voice sounds right now to him is shattering with anxious warmth. ugetsu feels like it's touching him across his skin, then pushing inside along his broken bones and drawing through his depleted blood. when he trembles and shivers the nurse takes his temperature again. his head hurts; partially shaven at one side so they could suture and dress and wrap it. but really it hurts more because there's a familiar tension behind his blind eyes he won't let come to fruition.
a little more fussing and the nurse finally steps back. visiting hours ended some time ago and ugetsu's manager actually did try to enforce a no-visitors policy for safety reasons while they investigate if the car accident really was an accident. maybe she sees the desperation in every aspect of yuki's body language. maybe she thinks it's a shame and a pity no family has called or come. whatever reason, she murmurs only,
"he really needs to rest."
then she quietly leaves the room.
despite not being able to see, ugetsu turns his head away from where he can tell the door is, and therefore where yuki came in.
and it occurs to him, cold and far away from himself: maybe this is where he has to end it. ]
you're stuck with me (and this tragic mess of a pair lmao) <333333
he never meant to. he still doesn't realize it, not properly. he promised himself there would never be another mafuyu and, in many ways, there never will be. ugetsu and mafuyu are nothing alike. they're both prodigies, perhaps, but mafuyu has the most innocent soul in the entire universe; ugetsu spent his childhood crushing insects and daydreaming about death.
maybe it's better that yuki ended up with him.
the nurse leaves but yuki doesn't hear whatever she says, doesn't catch the way she looks at him. he's pushing through layers upon layers of compounded anxiety to cross the room and stare down at ugetsu, his expression invisible to the other but no less panicked because of it.
ugetsu is shaking. ugetsu has bandages everywhere. ugetsu's hair, soft and black as midnight rain, has been shorn into razor-sharp blades of obsidian.
ugetsu does not look like ugetsu.
yuki wants to throw up. ]
Was it really an accident?
[ an awful, horrible thing to say. to accuse. but yuki knows ugetsu too well not to ask. his fingers tremble at his sides, not knowing where to go. he does not want to be sober for this. ]
i think yOU are stuck with ME (and this tragic mess to end all messes)<3 <3 <3!!!
not mine. ]
Ha... [ another sharp breath. it struggles through ugetsu's lungs. ] ...I don't know. They haven't found anything.
[ about the other driver.
or about me.
and of course, ugetsu won't tell. not yuki. not the investigators.
not himself.
he doesn't remember anyway.
who had he last spoken to? or seen?
again ugetsu breaks into laughter. like a wine bottle shattering. like a still burning cigarette put out with hands in panic as they took light to sheet music. it's funny. it's so funny. it's hilarious. he can't stop laughing. he's not laughing. he can't breathe --
-- sometimes, after getting high with yuki, ugetsu would drop. the most severe lows were explosive. tantrums devolved into fights devolved into bouts of hysteria. this is like that but worse.
they said ugetsu was lucky. they pulled him from the fire and called him lucky and ugetsu wanted to strangle them.
gasping for breath hurts.
yuki is here.
yuki shouldn't be here.
why did you come...why did i let you...
why did i also...want you to.why. ]
SHARES MY TISSUES WITH U 😭😂💖 also psst here's a song for them 😈
but right now? yuki hates it.
it doesn't take much for the pain to show through, ugetsu's usual mask full of cracks and holes that expose just how badly he's been injured. yuki knows that feeling well enough to recognize the tension in ugetsu's body, the way his breathing changes when he speaks. everything takes effort. the body, trying so hard to keep itself together, cannot function normally. yuki did not break any bones the night he tried to die but he knows what it is to sit in that hospital bed with his body crying out against him.
there are so, so many bandages.
ugetsu's laughter twists into something ugly and yuki wants to reach out, to clutch him close to his chest and hold tight no matter how hard ugetsu strikes him. the pain is never enough, never close to what yuki deserves, but in taking it he sometimes thinks he can make amends. thinks he can, maybe, help this lonely soul escape the oblivion that comes with a person like yuki.
he should never have given ugetsu drugs. he might not be addicted, not the way yuki is, but he knows it's wrong.
and yet. ]
Ugetsu --
[ ah, there's that cry again. i hate you. i love you. ]
[ yuki reaches out without thinking. his fingertips brush the side of ugetsu's temple, where they've cut his hair. his eyes are --
a wave of nausea overtakes him; his free hand grips the railing at the edge of the bed, fighting to stay upright.
why? ]
Stop it, [ he whispers, though whether it's to ugetsu or himself, he doesn't know. ]
o h no this is so perfect for them....also all that sea imagery...takes tissues thank you .....
someone else.
the touch to his temple is light but ugetsu feels it more strongly than he felt the car crash, than he felt the fire. or so he tells himself. later, when he finally tries to sleep, this won't be the case at all. for now though, it's enough. along with yuki's voice, it tethers; anchors. it calls down the moon from a ledge where moonlight always arcs and asks it to stay a little longer. ]
Y -- uki.
[ no more laughter. it's quiet. almost drowned entirely under all the machines. he's so...so...
dangerous stillness exists abruptly and completely as ugetsu's choking breaths even out until they can be almost nothing too. ]
...sorry.
[ he isn't. ]
Aha...hm. It was just such a funny question for you to ask.
[ then he tilts his head and angles it just the way he would if he could see yuki. stares at him without seeing him and feels his own mouth curve upward. it's cracked. so dry. bleeding. the red stands out starkly against ugetsu's pale skin and his dark hair and eyes. disappearing right in front of him. ]
Now that's done...you can go.
[ it's not clear: 'tonight'? 'forever'? a string wound tight enough to snap. so ugetsu lies. what good would the truth do him now?
what good would it do anyone? ]
RIGHT it's also a perfect ugetsu/akihiko/haruki song T____T
but yuki is standing here and listening to him laugh like a creature gone mad from trauma and realizing that this is the fate he barred from mafuyu.
he never let mafuyu into his hospital room. never let him see the state Yuki had put himself in, even though it was Mafuyu who pulled him down, who called the ambulance, who held his hand all the way there. as soon as yuki regained consciousness he told the nurses and doctors and his mother and hiiragi and shizu: not him. don't let him see.
because, in the depths of his heart, yuki loved mafuyu too much to let him suffer like that. even though keeping him away meant he would suffer, too. he wanted to call. wanted to text. stared at his phone night after night, at the missed notifications that eventually trailed off.
he never got the courage to respond.
and now ugetsu is telling him to go. ]
Yeah right.
[ yuki snorts, derisive, almost cruel. he knows that tone; ugetsu is dismissing him, though whether or not he actually wants to is another matter entirely. yuki's fingers brush into the longer strands of ugetsu's hair and, without warning, grasp so firmly that there's no way it can't hurt him. ]
You fucking dumbass. I'm not just gonna leave like all your other boytoys.
[ because he loves him. because he hates him. because the sea and the moon cannot be parted, no matter how great the distance between them.
yuki lets go of ugetsu's hair and runs his thumb over the cracked, broken skin of his lip. presses in. pulls it away, bright with blood, and lifts it to his own mouth. the taste is sharp and exhilarating and forbidden. death. life. ]
Did he hit you?
it really is ,,,....ugetsu why do you bring disaster to everyone...why is it so good...OTL
he hears it: the sea reminding him he's real by speaking, by moving, by opening its all devouring self and saying the moon can't make him leave but even if it did, it is also the moon that pulls him back. isn't it.
isn't it.
ugetsu's next inhale and exhale almost sound wet. there's so much wrong, so to say something isn't 'right' is understatement and redundant as well. does it taste good? does it taste bad?
did he hit you?
tabloid rumors have been running yuki yoshida and ugetsu murata scandals with growing traction. ugetsu had not deigned to tell yuki or his manager the threats he'd received. some veiled in politics unafraid of the recourse. some in fanmail he watched burn without any satisfaction. and some just a gut instinct: the sense he'd been being followed for a week or so, unable to parse his waking hours from his maddened stupors of practice and the stolen pills from yuki's pockets in jackets left behind. how lucky, he thinks, that none of it was in his system when the accident happened. but whether they meant to enrobe him in a drug scandal or kill him outright, he has no idea.
later, they'll tell him the name of the other driver and ugetsu will have an answer for yuki: well yes. but ugetsu had always hit him back. a fling. he doesn't even remember when except that he was still of again on again with aki back during or around that time. sort of.
for now, thin shoulders shrug. even that hurts. under the hospital shift and the myriad of bandages, ugetsu's moonpale skin is blue, black, red, yellowing and almost green. as if a cosmic joke, his face is almost alright if one overlooks the head wound and the thick swathe of gauze around the right side of his neck. they're not sure what will or won't scar.
ugetsu isn't sure he cares either way.
he licks his lips, swallows salt and blood and the smile isn't there anymore. ]
They say death makes you honest.
[ ugetsu's voice is still, like the reflection of the moon in water that cannot move. ]
I guess that was close enough.
[ when he blinks, it's very slow. it gives the impression he might not open his eyes again if he lets them shut one more time. ]
You know --
[ he looks straight at yuki without seeing a thing, but this might be the strangest ugetsu has ever looked to anyone, not because of the injuries but because he feels almost...not real. ]
-- he'd take you back, I think.
[ no guesses as to who 'he' is. ]
When he sings, that's what it sounds like to me.
[ and if ugetsu is bad at every other thing in his life, well, sound is the one thing he's always, always gotten right.
whether it's kind. whether it's devastating. whether it's the sea or a shooting star.
the moon pretends he doesn't understand sometimes, but the trouble is...he does.
he really does. ]
he just Feels So Much All The Time... he can't help it... :'c <3 poor little meow meow
yuki is angry. yuki is scared. yuki does not know what to do.
he doesn't mean did he hit you the way ugetsu interprets it but, later, the dual meaning will make him laugh bitterly. of course it's someone from his past. some ex-lover who can't stand seeing ugetsu with anyone else. who could? what kind of man, after loving the moon itself, could ever be happy watching it frolic with some other being? yet the moon has an orbit of its own, tied only to the earth.
akihiko.
it's a safety net, knowing that ugetsu cannot forget him. it means yuki can never be loved in return - something he does not want. does not deserve.
yuki sees his name in the tabloids often but the appearance of ugetsu alongside him is troubling, though he pretends otherwise. buys copies to throw onto ugetsu's bed, to laugh at together, joking about his bed head or the stupid clothes he decided to wear when he left that cold, cold basement early in the morning one day. but yuki knows what kind of people read them sincerely, believing every word. yuki knows he has fans that might hurt ugetsu. and, more importantly: yuki knows mafuyu could see.
he still has no idea that their lives have crossed through ugetsu, of course. he knows only that mafuyu plays music now, that he frequents the small clubs yuki got his start in back during high school and then afterwards. he only plays bigger gigs now but those venues are always in his mind, constantly in his peripheral vision. ugetsu's drummer goes there with his new boyfriend. plays shows with mafuyu. with that other guitarist, the dark-haired one.
yuki does not realize he's thinking about mafuyu until ugetsu speaks. until ugetsu says he knowing that there is no other 'he' in yuki's heart. until ugetsu talks about mafuyu's sound.
and, of course, ugetsu is never wrong when it comes to sound. ]
Fuck off.
[ it's a visceral reaction, completely unconscious; the words spill sharp from yuki's lips like a bark, a warning. his fingers twist tighter against the metal support on the side of the bed, knuckles as pale as ugetsu's bloodless skin. ]
Don't talk about him.
[ in the back of his mind, yuki knows what ugetsu is doing. bringing mafuyu up, encouraging yuki to go back to him, so that it's easier to break things off between the two of them. ugetsu wants yuki gone - whether it's because he's finally grown tired of him or, as yuki suspects, because it hurts too much to keep him around. it's a familiar game, one that leaves a bitter, acrid taste on the back of yuki's tongue. the problem is that ugetsu still has no idea what convictions yuki holds in his heart; has no clue that yuki has promised himself to never, ever speak to mafuyu again.
and yuki - yuki wants to hit ugetsu. he wants to kiss ugetsu. he wants to shove powder up his own nose until he's so high he can't tell the ground from the sky anymore; until he can finally, finally float away into the stars. past the moon. past all sources of light. past everything until he's adrift in endless, beautiful darkness. ]
This isn't about him.
that one art of him and aki with cat ears and stuff...lil meow meow indeed..he really is overwhelmed
yuki tells him to fuck off and he means shut up, he means not to bring mafuyu up not now not ever. and he doesn't have to use the exact words for ugetsu to hear: that mafuyu is too good for him even to mention, that mafuyu is also too good for yuki. his thoughts encapsulate what yuki's truth once was without asking either: he never let mafuyu see him. that much is clear.
the way mafuyu sang, one would believe yuki really did die that night.
the way mafuyu sang, ugetsu and akihiko really did.
what kinds of songs is he writing now? ugetsu hasn't seen him in a while. their schedules don't allow for it, and now he can't even leave this bed for who knows how long. what card should he play? he could continue to be cruel. or he could try to get yuki to sneak him out somehow. it's not impossible. though ugetsu has never been under quite as much surveillance. then again, no one has actively ever tried to kill him on such a scale before.
maybe he could try once yuki leaves.
maybe if he waits, his body will finally relent and do the rest for him.
maybe.
in yuki's voice there is a tremble like the way the earth shivers in warning before it splits apart, the way the water of the ocean's surface flickers as if by light and shadow but truly means a storm.
ugetsu is well versed in both.
shaking. hurting. held together by no one even knows what or how or why.
you don't want to be here.
part of what keeps them circling each other and swallowing each other down even if it chokes them is both the understanding of music and silence and also this: contradictions. in themselves. in other people. when they're sober. when they're high. when they're alive.
when they're dying.
for a little while, ugetsu was. but they brought him back. he doesn't care for the details.
does yuki know?
he doubts it. seems like he rushed here.
what would have been a slow breath and then maybe words... becomes a cough. it spasms. the pain is enormous even as drugged up as he is. sweat breaks out across his forehead, his nape, clammy and pale. ugetsu though is one of those bizarre creatures who almost looks as beautiful or the same when he's destroyed, but he looks more like a painting than a person. less real. less. less. less.
more.
he can't tell if he's coughed up blood in his mouth or if he bit his tongue. he swallows. and only realizes as his blind eyes blink fiercely, that where one bandaged hand shot out to steady himself against the bedrail, he ended up resting it against something else instead. through the swathe of fabric and tape, it's still clear enough. the warmth there. yuki. ah.
yeah. he really shouldn't be here. but ugetsu doesn't pull his hand away. ]
no subject
yuki is grateful to ugetsu for it. yuki hates that ugetsu allows it. new moon, waxing, waning, full, gone again. endless.
hearing mafuyu's name on ugetsu's lips is too painful to bear. in a better headspace yuki would admit that he doesn't mind hearing ugetsu talk about him, that he craves whatever knowledge he can get from secondhand sources, that he wants to know mafuyu is doing well. moving on. happy.
but how could he be?
yuki has not listened to mafuyu sing for any meaningful amount of time. one glance at the guitar in his hands was enough to snap whatever self-control he had left that night, enough to send him into a spiral of panic and desperation that led to a phone call he should never have made.
i tried to kill myself he told ugetsu once, not knowing it would lead to this. not knowing that they would end up in the hospital together, ugetsu blind and broken and bandaged, yuki absolutely useless as always seems to be the case nowadays. even if ugetsu tells him he did not mean for this to happen, yuki can't fully believe it. can't fully believe that there is not some part of ugetsu that wishes this had been the end.
there are many things they have in common, but this is the biggest one: that they both yearn for death. that they've been chasing it ever since they were children. searching for the answer to the darkness inside their souls.
ugetsu goes to speak but he coughs instead and oh, oh, he's in pain; yuki can see it, yuki can hear it. flecks of blood paint pale lips and all yuki can do is watch, his body shaking, not even thinking that he should probably call the nurse. it stops soon enough but not before ugetsu's hand rests against his own. the touch feels like a shock and yuki jerks in response, though he doesn't pull away.
he can tell that ugetsu's eyes aren't working so he knows it wasn't on purpose and yet -- ]
Ugetsu...
[ his voice is soft. sad. broken. filled with regrets. apologies.
hope.
yuki finds himself kneeling next to the bed, legs shaking too strongly to hold him up any longer. he rests his forehead against ugetsu's knuckles and sighs, long and bitter. ]
You should rest, [ he echoes. and then, after a moment, in that ridiculously charismatic way of his, he adds: ]
You look like shit.
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it would be easier if ugetsu did not actually care.
but he does.
on the tip of his tongue: if i was supposed to rest, why am i here? why am i listening to this?
at least it's blindness. if ugetsu regained consciousness to a soundless world, that would have been what the cliches call a fate worse than death.
another shuddered breath struggles through his body. like being dragged through the mud when you're already sick. like telling someone goodbye when you want nothing more than for them to stay.
it hurts.
yuki's forehead touches against wrapped knuckles and ugetsu swallows a sharp feeling of something like failure down into the blackhole of himself.
all of yuki yoshida's reactions tell him things without telling him things: that mafuyu is forbidden to yuki as a kind of cross to bear, that he's afraid of mafuyu seeing what's written in tabloids even by accident, that he misses him because you never stop missing the people you love. ugetsu, at least, understands that one. nicer if he didn't, but you can't win it all. no. anyone who says 'i didn't have time to think' doesn't really know; doesn't really care. if you care, if you really do, the anxiety and regret and impossible love all come up around the edges. water flooding your house to remind you it could have been a home.
but.
yuki is here.
ugetsu is alive.
for better or for worse.
they both are.
better. and
worse.
the little laugh is like static. ugetsu doesn't recognize himself, but he cards burned fingers through yuki's hair: there there. yet even this conventionally comforting motion...isn't. what it is: anchor in the sea. ]
Then I guess it's a good thing I can't see myself.
[ dry. like he's not talking about something as serious as it is. like none of this is happening. the moon in drought. deny. refuse. and then the truth imbibed will be its own questionable substance. ugetsu can't see a thing, and the only warmth he feels is from yuki. there's no reason, no practical reason for how his quiet traitorous self opens the wound of fear and shame and murmurs, ]
...but can you turn the light off.
[ it's still ugetsu, so of course it doesn't sound like a question so much as a command. if yuki still cannot stand though, it's not like anything bad will happen when the lights stay on. the faint buzzing ugetsu can hear so keenly amongst the machines keeping him monitored, hydrated, stable, drugged, ten thousand things but above all keeping him...somehow that buzzing is so loud. drowning him in fluorescent noise he'd take a knife to if he could.
he'd rather listen to yuki. his inhales. his exhales. his heartbeat.
his hope and his fear. his brilliance and his withdrawals. his love and his hate. ]
Forgive the late reply!!!
So now my being comforted costs something?
THAT'S MY LINE LOL helloooo <3!!!
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[ he does like aki's playing of course but to say that in the face of that statement feels like conceding defeat so he's not going to! ]
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Fine. Apparently I'm feeling like getting shat on today.
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[ by which he means exactly the opposite but he'll let it lie for now... ]
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you know i don't care to practice with anyone else.
[ aki never had to outdo ugetsu for the latter to see his merit, but he doesn't know how to explain that or particularly want to. he just wants aki to come to him. ]
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[ If it were a hobby, why would he practice every morning. ]
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but i'm inclined to disagree.
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[ for once he's telling the truth...but it's music. he all but has no choice. ]
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how the hell did you get my car?
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[ akihiko can't say no to him, or at least, this time he couldn't. poor haruki's car paid the price. as well as ugetsu but that's neither here nor there. ]
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why the hell are you manipulating him into helping you commit crimes?
[ because obviously he knew how ]
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secondly, believe it or not i wasn't committing any crimes tonight.
[ however, haruki will find money transferred to him that more than covers the cost of his car. ]
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it was more the car theft…
[ it’s really irritating this guy making problems and then just thinking he can throw money at everything! ]
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Did I tell you you could use it?
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but you knew it wasn’t his
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but it's still not theft if the acting possessor lends it out.
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On a technicality.
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[ we are not sure his legal name is not petty tm ]