[ they've been trapped in this cycle since the first night they met. hurting each other over and over, pleasure and pain all mixed up until there's no telling which is which, hands around throats in the dark. it's good. it's terrible. were it not for their shows and rehearsals and managers, yuki thinks they might lose themselves forever in that basement.
yuki is grateful to ugetsu for it. yuki hates that ugetsu allows it. new moon, waxing, waning, full, gone again. endless.
hearing mafuyu's name on ugetsu's lips is too painful to bear. in a better headspace yuki would admit that he doesn't mind hearing ugetsu talk about him, that he craves whatever knowledge he can get from secondhand sources, that he wants to know mafuyu is doing well. moving on. happy.
but how could he be?
yuki has not listened to mafuyu sing for any meaningful amount of time. one glance at the guitar in his hands was enough to snap whatever self-control he had left that night, enough to send him into a spiral of panic and desperation that led to a phone call he should never have made.
i tried to kill myself he told ugetsu once, not knowing it would lead to this. not knowing that they would end up in the hospital together, ugetsu blind and broken and bandaged, yuki absolutely useless as always seems to be the case nowadays. even if ugetsu tells him he did not mean for this to happen, yuki can't fully believe it. can't fully believe that there is not some part of ugetsu that wishes this had been the end.
there are many things they have in common, but this is the biggest one: that they both yearn for death. that they've been chasing it ever since they were children. searching for the answer to the darkness inside their souls.
ugetsu goes to speak but he coughs instead and oh, oh, he's in pain; yuki can see it, yuki can hear it. flecks of blood paint pale lips and all yuki can do is watch, his body shaking, not even thinking that he should probably call the nurse. it stops soon enough but not before ugetsu's hand rests against his own. the touch feels like a shock and yuki jerks in response, though he doesn't pull away.
he can tell that ugetsu's eyes aren't working so he knows it wasn't on purpose and yet -- ]
Ugetsu...
[ his voice is soft. sad. broken. filled with regrets. apologies.
hope.
yuki finds himself kneeling next to the bed, legs shaking too strongly to hold him up any longer. he rests his forehead against ugetsu's knuckles and sighs, long and bitter. ]
You should rest, [ he echoes. and then, after a moment, in that ridiculously charismatic way of his, he adds: ]
no subject
yuki is grateful to ugetsu for it. yuki hates that ugetsu allows it. new moon, waxing, waning, full, gone again. endless.
hearing mafuyu's name on ugetsu's lips is too painful to bear. in a better headspace yuki would admit that he doesn't mind hearing ugetsu talk about him, that he craves whatever knowledge he can get from secondhand sources, that he wants to know mafuyu is doing well. moving on. happy.
but how could he be?
yuki has not listened to mafuyu sing for any meaningful amount of time. one glance at the guitar in his hands was enough to snap whatever self-control he had left that night, enough to send him into a spiral of panic and desperation that led to a phone call he should never have made.
i tried to kill myself he told ugetsu once, not knowing it would lead to this. not knowing that they would end up in the hospital together, ugetsu blind and broken and bandaged, yuki absolutely useless as always seems to be the case nowadays. even if ugetsu tells him he did not mean for this to happen, yuki can't fully believe it. can't fully believe that there is not some part of ugetsu that wishes this had been the end.
there are many things they have in common, but this is the biggest one: that they both yearn for death. that they've been chasing it ever since they were children. searching for the answer to the darkness inside their souls.
ugetsu goes to speak but he coughs instead and oh, oh, he's in pain; yuki can see it, yuki can hear it. flecks of blood paint pale lips and all yuki can do is watch, his body shaking, not even thinking that he should probably call the nurse. it stops soon enough but not before ugetsu's hand rests against his own. the touch feels like a shock and yuki jerks in response, though he doesn't pull away.
he can tell that ugetsu's eyes aren't working so he knows it wasn't on purpose and yet -- ]
Ugetsu...
[ his voice is soft. sad. broken. filled with regrets. apologies.
hope.
yuki finds himself kneeling next to the bed, legs shaking too strongly to hold him up any longer. he rests his forehead against ugetsu's knuckles and sighs, long and bitter. ]
You should rest, [ he echoes. and then, after a moment, in that ridiculously charismatic way of his, he adds: ]
You look like shit.