inexpressibly: (♪[Paganini - Caprice No. 24])
murata, ugetsu ([personal profile] inexpressibly) wrote2033-06-06 09:53 am
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❝村田 雨月❞




convey: texts, calls, or action — ota.



northmagnet: (headtilt)

RIGHT it's also a perfect ugetsu/akihiko/haruki song T____T

[personal profile] northmagnet 2024-12-19 03:39 pm (UTC)(link)
[ yuki has never stopped loving mafuyu. even while he's been with others, with ugetsu, that fact has always remained true. loving mafuyu is a part of his soul; he cannot help it. he never thought it would matter. he assumed, foolishly perhaps, that if ugetsu knew he wouldn't care. neither of them are meant for one another; ugetsu has his own lost love to pine for.

but yuki is standing here and listening to him laugh like a creature gone mad from trauma and realizing that this is the fate he barred from mafuyu.

he never let mafuyu into his hospital room. never let him see the state Yuki had put himself in, even though it was Mafuyu who pulled him down, who called the ambulance, who held his hand all the way there. as soon as yuki regained consciousness he told the nurses and doctors and his mother and hiiragi and shizu: not him. don't let him see.

because, in the depths of his heart, yuki loved mafuyu too much to let him suffer like that. even though keeping him away meant he would suffer, too. he wanted to call. wanted to text. stared at his phone night after night, at the missed notifications that eventually trailed off.

he never got the courage to respond.

and now ugetsu is telling him to go. ]


Yeah right.

[ yuki snorts, derisive, almost cruel. he knows that tone; ugetsu is dismissing him, though whether or not he actually wants to is another matter entirely. yuki's fingers brush into the longer strands of ugetsu's hair and, without warning, grasp so firmly that there's no way it can't hurt him. ]

You fucking dumbass. I'm not just gonna leave like all your other boytoys.

[ because he loves him. because he hates him. because the sea and the moon cannot be parted, no matter how great the distance between them.

yuki lets go of ugetsu's hair and runs his thumb over the cracked, broken skin of his lip. presses in. pulls it away, bright with blood, and lifts it to his own mouth. the taste is sharp and exhilarating and forbidden. death. life. ]


Did he hit you?
northmagnet: (headtilt)

he just Feels So Much All The Time... he can't help it... :'c <3 poor little meow meow

[personal profile] northmagnet 2024-12-21 01:05 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's revenge, perhaps, making ugetsu hurt like that. yuki knows he isn't doing anything more than the other can handle; in fact, he's taken worse from ugetsu during his many, many meltdowns. if this happened before yuki started using them maybe he wouldn't be such an asshole but the fact is: he's jonesing, worse than he has in a long time, and being in this hospital, staring down at a broken ugetsu murata, is not helping.

yuki is angry. yuki is scared. yuki does not know what to do.

he doesn't mean did he hit you the way ugetsu interprets it but, later, the dual meaning will make him laugh bitterly. of course it's someone from his past. some ex-lover who can't stand seeing ugetsu with anyone else. who could? what kind of man, after loving the moon itself, could ever be happy watching it frolic with some other being? yet the moon has an orbit of its own, tied only to the earth.

akihiko.

it's a safety net, knowing that ugetsu cannot forget him. it means yuki can never be loved in return - something he does not want. does not deserve.

yuki sees his name in the tabloids often but the appearance of ugetsu alongside him is troubling, though he pretends otherwise. buys copies to throw onto ugetsu's bed, to laugh at together, joking about his bed head or the stupid clothes he decided to wear when he left that cold, cold basement early in the morning one day. but yuki knows what kind of people read them sincerely, believing every word. yuki knows he has fans that might hurt ugetsu. and, more importantly: yuki knows mafuyu could see.

he still has no idea that their lives have crossed through ugetsu, of course. he knows only that mafuyu plays music now, that he frequents the small clubs yuki got his start in back during high school and then afterwards. he only plays bigger gigs now but those venues are always in his mind, constantly in his peripheral vision. ugetsu's drummer goes there with his new boyfriend. plays shows with mafuyu. with that other guitarist, the dark-haired one.

yuki does not realize he's thinking about mafuyu until ugetsu speaks. until ugetsu says he knowing that there is no other 'he' in yuki's heart. until ugetsu talks about mafuyu's sound.

and, of course, ugetsu is never wrong when it comes to sound. ]


Fuck off.

[ it's a visceral reaction, completely unconscious; the words spill sharp from yuki's lips like a bark, a warning. his fingers twist tighter against the metal support on the side of the bed, knuckles as pale as ugetsu's bloodless skin. ]

Don't talk about him.

[ in the back of his mind, yuki knows what ugetsu is doing. bringing mafuyu up, encouraging yuki to go back to him, so that it's easier to break things off between the two of them. ugetsu wants yuki gone - whether it's because he's finally grown tired of him or, as yuki suspects, because it hurts too much to keep him around. it's a familiar game, one that leaves a bitter, acrid taste on the back of yuki's tongue. the problem is that ugetsu still has no idea what convictions yuki holds in his heart; has no clue that yuki has promised himself to never, ever speak to mafuyu again.

and yuki - yuki wants to hit ugetsu. he wants to kiss ugetsu. he wants to shove powder up his own nose until he's so high he can't tell the ground from the sky anymore; until he can finally, finally float away into the stars. past the moon. past all sources of light. past everything until he's adrift in endless, beautiful darkness. ]


This isn't about him.
northmagnet: (sing)

[personal profile] northmagnet 2024-12-21 06:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[ they've been trapped in this cycle since the first night they met. hurting each other over and over, pleasure and pain all mixed up until there's no telling which is which, hands around throats in the dark. it's good. it's terrible. were it not for their shows and rehearsals and managers, yuki thinks they might lose themselves forever in that basement.

yuki is grateful to ugetsu for it. yuki hates that ugetsu allows it. new moon, waxing, waning, full, gone again. endless.

hearing mafuyu's name on ugetsu's lips is too painful to bear. in a better headspace yuki would admit that he doesn't mind hearing ugetsu talk about him, that he craves whatever knowledge he can get from secondhand sources, that he wants to know mafuyu is doing well. moving on. happy.

but how could he be?

yuki has not listened to mafuyu sing for any meaningful amount of time. one glance at the guitar in his hands was enough to snap whatever self-control he had left that night, enough to send him into a spiral of panic and desperation that led to a phone call he should never have made.

i tried to kill myself he told ugetsu once, not knowing it would lead to this. not knowing that they would end up in the hospital together, ugetsu blind and broken and bandaged, yuki absolutely useless as always seems to be the case nowadays. even if ugetsu tells him he did not mean for this to happen, yuki can't fully believe it. can't fully believe that there is not some part of ugetsu that wishes this had been the end.

there are many things they have in common, but this is the biggest one: that they both yearn for death. that they've been chasing it ever since they were children. searching for the answer to the darkness inside their souls.

ugetsu goes to speak but he coughs instead and oh, oh, he's in pain; yuki can see it, yuki can hear it. flecks of blood paint pale lips and all yuki can do is watch, his body shaking, not even thinking that he should probably call the nurse. it stops soon enough but not before ugetsu's hand rests against his own. the touch feels like a shock and yuki jerks in response, though he doesn't pull away.

he can tell that ugetsu's eyes aren't working so he knows it wasn't on purpose and yet -- ]


Ugetsu...

[ his voice is soft. sad. broken. filled with regrets. apologies.

hope.

yuki finds himself kneeling next to the bed, legs shaking too strongly to hold him up any longer. he rests his forehead against ugetsu's knuckles and sighs, long and bitter. ]


You should rest, [ he echoes. and then, after a moment, in that ridiculously charismatic way of his, he adds: ]

You look like shit.