[ugetsu's favorite partners who aren't akihiko are the ones who treat him so roughly he forgets, just a little, who he is and what he loves and what he really actually needs. ugetsu's favorite music that isn't found underneath his own fingertips is the kind suited to soundproof basements made for one earbud in one ear and one hanging homeless; instead of two shared, because some part of him knows this will probably be his future sooner than later and ugetsu is nothing if not a glutton for punishment. ugetsu's favorite taste that isn't being wanted is being revered the way his audiences do so often: wildly civil in their well pressed suits and beautiful dresses and expensive accessories but all with the same wolf teeth and hungry hands that are never ever allowed to touch him.
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
[Maybe that is it, Ugetsu can turn all his other lovers into nothing more than pleasure and a body, he can not turn Aki into that, there are too many marks, too much history. There is nothing civil, nothing hidden, the deepest, darkest, flawed parts of each full exposed beneath their skin, into the heart of who they are. Tangled by a mass of emotions, good and bad, they are like a whirlwind, and it sends them both spinning for the same reason and yet for different reasons at the same time.
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
[ they say 'don't fix it if it's not broken' about things that are good. and they say to fix it if it breaks. but no one has much of anything to say about things that have simply become weak points all over: here and here and here. everywhere. for aki, for ugetsu, whether they say it, whether they don't, theirs is the kind of touch that shatters even if every scattered piece has some love in it. broken is broken.
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]
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<< birds of a feather flock together...
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
teeth. nails. blood.
but never tears. ]
now and forever
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
t h e y !!!!!!
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]