inexpressibly | ❝村田雨月❞

Truth be told, I'm not like the others.

[ that's what idea likes to think, but he is special in a way that he'll transcend this life that he has. not many can say that they've thought of doing that or ever achieved, but he's so close, and maybe he will take a piece of ugetsu to perfect it.

he hums, delightfully so until he has to try and decide what sort of company he'd be for him. the best, surely. ]

I wouldn't want to be rough with you, and that fact alone makes me good company.
More than you know.

[ this is like a game of cat and mouse, and idea feels like the cat who is poking his paw along the belly of the mouse he's stumbled upon. rather than eating him up, he decides to keep the individual to entertain himself, and idea is always in a pleasant mood when he's able to ignore ugetsu's choices in favor of his own. ]

You should start packing your things.

can't think of a time i've ever complained about anyone being rough, even when they were.

[ now then, he's well aware they are speaking of it in very different contexts and he knows hagiwara will understand this too. but he says it anyway, because why not. ]

in the hypothetical situation where i do go with you, the least you could do is provide the things i need.

[ if he shows up with just the clothes on his back and his violin, well, surely other clothes can be provided, preferred cigarettes, and anything else, though he can't honestly think of anything at the moment. ]

There are those who enjoy the abuse more than others.

[ he's well aware of how ugetsu speaks, improper and crass, but his "charming" personality is well received by some people. it's vulgar, but it's not outside the unfortunate norm that idea has to deal with.

though, they never willingly spoke about their sex life so proudly. ]

Don't be foolish, this isn't hypothetical. You'll be coming with me. I don't understand why you're trying to be so difficult about this.
But, of course, I will provide the things you will need.

[ he will, which means idea has the final say in what the man needs, and things like cigarettes? oh no, not good for idea's poor health, but things to sustain ugetsu's survival... well, he can do that. ]

You don't want for much.

being difficult is easy. but i'll concede out of curiosity.

[ plain and to the point, or as much as he tends to be, there's always going to be layers of half truths but that's just the way ugetsu is. he's only ever honest with his music and even then it doesn't usually reach the way he'd thought about as a child, listening to that old man's radio and thinking about death in a way most children wouldn't. his touch and go paper chain with living is liable to tear at any second but until then he lets music turn him almost inhuman, forgetting human needs unless they're made unignorable. the luxury of a healthy body, by comparison: having one to let deteriorate in favor of a higher calling.

ugetsu will bring his own cigarettes anyway out of habit, and if he's wherever idea hagiwara is sending him long enough to run out, well, it's not like it's his main vice anyway.

likely ugetsu wouldn't agree to anything like this a second time, but he's rather confident his track record of not giving people reasons to ask in the first place will hold firm. ]

[ that's a funny phrasing that he'll concede on his own terms, ugetsu is funny like that, and there's a part of idea that doesn't like it at all. choosing to do so means that he believes whatever happens is done by his own actions rather than idea's, it's such a shame there's always this battle of power, and idea responds to it. can't be helped when he wants to be the one who wins, who decides what's best for the people that he controls— spends time with. ]

Very well. As long as you're willing then I have no room to complain, concede all you like.

[ and fall into the palm of idea's hand with him knowing that he allows for ugetsu to do so. it's romantic in a way, not that it garners positive responses from the other man, but it really is fun playing with relationships and idea bending them how he likes. ]

Everything's canceled on your end. No need to thank me.
What are you bringing along for your trip, do you need help choosing?

i wouldn't thank you for something i didn't ask for.

[ he knows it's not as though hagiwara has forgotten that. but restating it is still ugetsu's choice. ]

but i don't need help, no. it's not as though i'm bringing much anyway.

[ violin. cigarettes. the clothes on his body. the earring he wears now though it's not his. what else? ugetsu really can't think of anything off the top of his head. oh of course, a lighter.

his fingertips tap out the measures of a particularly difficult piece before he adds, ]

this seems like too big a gesture in return for concert tickets i get for free.

[ but he already agreed so that's not the issue. he's just saying. men like idea hagiwara, well, ugetsu has dealt with a few though perhaps none as intelligent as they claim to be. there, hagiwara has sole ownership so-far though it's less that ugetsu puts stock in his smarts and more that he has yet to be disproven. people accustomed to getting their way. people of power. people who mete out the difference between want and demand.

most of these, ugetsu glides through whether with more or less contact. if they offer him money, if they offer him venues, if, if, if...then the pace is prolonged. but even then it can be tiresome.

hagiwara is at least interesting enough. it would be a lie for ugetsu to say the risk factor isn't part of it. not quite a thrill but something that plucks at his pulse to remind him he has one outside of a concerto. of course, besides risk or danger, there's that other thing wholly unrelated to hagiwara.

love. yes. that was like that too. ~~akihiko.~~ probably. how odd. ]

There's a difference between asking and needing, you should be grateful how I look after you.

[ like a dog, really. given idea's unfortunate body disposition, such things as pets are unavailable to him. that's why in anamnesis with their technological advancements they were able to create robots with the likeness of dogs, the same texture of fur and temperaments. the removal of the cranium, the insert of a brain to be connected by the inner wires.

he doesn't have to do that with ugetsu (or maybe, he should!), but it's just not idea to not have something animal-like in his possession or nearby. ]

Do you think so? Should I ask for more from you, let me think.

[ the opportunity given shouldn't go ignored, if he wishes to complain, then he can. idea will take advantage of that kindness and indulge even more until it reaches the limit of comparing to a free trip to an undisclosed location that only idea knows. he wouldn't want ugetsu to think that idea is being too generous, that he's incapable of making them equals in some way.

he leans back in his chair, his legs crossed and kicks the floor with his foot to spin his chair just for a little fun, whimsy. it only spins about twice until the chair stops right in front of the window overlooking the facility that he resides in. ]

Having you is as grand as the free tickets, but that's a passive reward that doesn't count, however.
You'll wear something from me while we're together to start, and I'll think of whatever else I want from you while we're enjoying our vacation.
The demands I make aren't difficult, I'm sure you'll carry them out flawlessly.

i hope our tastes don't clash.

[ which is to say he's entirely ready to refuse to wear anything he doesn't like. however, ugetsu is actually quite easier than he makes himself sound. even for performances it's a rotation of similar black suits and black dress shirts, all of impeccable quality and pricetag but nondescript even so. his hair typically stylishly unkempt is in fact just how it naturally is, and only when akihiko would get to him before the stage would he wind up with his soft waves pushed neatly back. "so youthful" was often the comment he got when his hair would be like that, or "beautiful". the former always made him laugh inwardly. was 21 old or young? he couldn't tell. what of 22? well. it's not like ugetsu has ever acted his age anyway, another luxury of being a genius, perhaps.

for clothing though, all ugetsu cares about, more or less, is comfort and not having to think about it. so in that sense, idea's suggestion is great.

unconsciously ugetsu presses fingertips to his own temple. the oncoming migraine is indicative of too much back to back trouble and slight dehydration. his fingers twitch. he can't smoke in this part of the airport. shame. ]

in any case, am i to understand i'll arrive home and turn right back around?

That won't matter. You worry about what's unimportant too much.

[ what matters is idea's taste first and foremost, this is a trip he's constructing and inviting the other to. the least he could do is follow the rules of proper dress, or as proper as he decides. what he'll request of ugetsu won't be too bad, it's simple and easily worn that won't stand out at all. he's already excited at putting it on him, and figuring out if their taste is pretty much the same or not. ]

It depends. I did say next month; I am a man of my word.

[ that means if ugetsu is willing to start early then idea won't say "no", rather, he'll welcome the other with open arms. ]

Are you that excited to see me?

[ he didn't know ugetsu felt so... strongly! idea knows that this isn't what he means, but teasing him is ever so easy. ]

that you did. somehow i'd already forgotten.

[ that, is called lack of sleep and over practicing and forgetting basic needs like eating and hydrating. "of course you're spacing out, idiot." but no one's there to remind him or nag him or whatever. ugetsu's not putting these simple pieces together because he's decided not to care.

however, ]

not excited, but not opposed. as you know.

[ not, he suspects, that it would make a humongous difference to hagiwara, though ugetsu has yet to experience it firsthand. ]

though if all my things are canceled, as you said, there's no reason i can't.

[ despite exhaustion, he's restless. it puts him on edge and disinclined to be where things are both familiar and foreign now. ]

Don't tell me you're suffering from an onset disease that affects the brain.

[ he doubts it, ugetsu is too young to be forgetting their conversation that quick, or maybe it's something else? whatever could it be? does he tire? does he ache? does he have too much on his mind? there's many questions, but only one answer. ]

I doubt it. You should remember these little things, I wouldn't want you thinking one thing when it's clearly another.

[ idea makes a mental note to look into that, no, he turns around in his chair to face his desk. as soon as he does, he's reaching out for a folder, parting it to reveal a file on ugetsu murata. his index finger runs down a list to double check if there's anything he should know about that. ]

I won't pry until we're together. If you'd like to start now, then I can adjust. However, what I have in mind starts in the upcoming month.
You're a genius, how familiar are you with both math and science?

if i have a disease it would be news to me, but i've never checked either way.

as to seeing you -- i can wait. i'm not in any particular rush.

regarding my memory, you'll have to forgive me.

[ some time passes, and it might very well seem like he's outright ignoring the other question, but in this case it's not so. rather, he finds himself occupied answering a flurry of anxious and demanding texts from different patrons about certain canceled upcoming performances, as well as one wholly unrelated but somehow more important. ]

"genius" isn't something i'd apply to myself per se, certainly not outside of music.

that said, i'm familiar enough but nothing impressive, certainly not for someone of your position.

I was only teasing. You know me, I only wish to find a cure for what ails those plagued by the nature of their body.

[ idea is satisfied on whether ugetsu wants to see him or not, even his memory if fine since there's nothing he can find regarding it. his only unfortunate traits are smoking alongside some other relationships, but idea shouldn't complain. this is why he's grateful for what he has and that's the other continuing a connection with him.

time and patience is what idea tells himself. ]

I know it didn't take you that long to think of a reply. What are you busy with? You should be conversing with me.

i am conversing with you, hagiwara. it just so happens there are others demanding my attention at the same time.

[ with an announcement that his flight has been canceled, the only relief is standing and stretching until he can feel everything crack, then gingerly picking up his violin case to head to the nearest hotel, which is of course the one attached to the airport.

as he stands on the automated path, he adds, ]

seems i'll have some extra time even so. my flight was just canceled.

[ after all that waiting. at least once he's in his room he can smoke, assuming he can grab one with a balcony. ]

Stop splitting your attention, we're having an important conversation.

[ not really, it's far from important, but it's idea who chooses to give his time to people, and it shouldn't be wasted. ugetsu can do anything he wants, what he pleases, and idea will be satisfied as long as the other returns to him at some point. in the end, he did, and idea has half the mind to praise him for doing so. ]

What a pity. Has the weather been that horrid? That's such a pity, you must have been so busy.

[ a playful text to add to ugetsu's misfortune, but since he has extra time, why not monopolize it? ]

How are you with children?

[ ugetsu could say a great deal to that or a great deal of nothing. in fact, he takes just as much time to reply this time as the other (due to checking in at the hotel, well, waiting for them to figure out a room anyway) and when he does, it's with a rather focused response. ]

i don't know? i'm not often around them.

[ children... that's a very specific question. ugetsu doesn't understand it if he's honest. does hagiwara have siblings? he has no idea. but why would they be coming along on this "vacation"?

in the elevator, he's miraculously alone and lets himself lean back against the wall in what's little more than a collapse. at the same time, his fingers twitch on the valise. shame the hotel rooms aren't soundproofed. maybe he'll risk it anyway. probably. ]

[ don't think too hard about it, ugetsu. it's a normal question that comes up in every conversation at least once during a person's lifetime. idea's reasons are a little different, but the answer works well enough for him that he sees no reason to say that he can't handle children. ]

Are you saying that you put up with them?

[ that seems up his alley, really. idea wouldn't put this past him either considering how his world only consists of so many people.

luckily, it's not a topic they have to linger due to another text message, sent from a separate number, appearing on ugetsu's phone. it's a time and location with strict rules of what he should do along the way there: leave his phone in a box, place both hands on a cold tray, walk through a body scanner among other specific requests. if he attempts to text the number back, it'll no longer be in use. ]

i don't mind them, but that's not saying much. people don't often bring them to my performances, so i rarely see them.

why are you asking me about children?

[ lingering or not, ugetsu can't help but ask even as he eyes the separate message with a twist of amusement and disconnect. it's dangerous a little, maybe. he supposes. this sort of direction is the kind of thing that would have his ex asking him what's wrong with him and telling him not to do it. because it's ugetsu he doesn't bother trying to reply to that number. ]

is there coffee on this deserted island or wherever?

I was thinking how they carry on our bloodline, and how different the future would be with more of you in the world.

[ not really, there's a totally different reason as to why he asked, but this one sounds funnier than the truth of it. besides, it seems like he can get a pretty generic and simple response from him: maybe he's not interested.

idea hums as he taps his foot on the floor, how should he follow up on his whimsical question. has he thought of adoption? he should give it a try. ]

Yes, I hope you have an interest in Western food. As for activities, I cannot do anything strenuous, but I'm open to accommodating you in any way that you'd like in regards to it.

that's a terrible thought.

[ more of him in the world, really. he almost laughs. ]

i don't dislike it, for the most part.

but i wasn't looking to do anything that requires overexerting oneself.

[ if left to his own devices he'll just practice. he doesn't seem to be able to put his violin down for too long but especially when he gets into a mood, which he's long been approaching another. if he is not allowed to do this, said mood will swing magnificently and possibly either extreme of violence or utter sloth, because with ugetsu it tends to be a toss up between these two, even if their forms can vary. ]

And I do love terrible thoughts.

[ such an idea would leave to what, more devastation in the world? not like it needs that, but maybe there's something a child like that could offer. pick up more talents and be harvested for what it's learned? ]

Don't you think we'd have the cutest child. ♡

[ is he joking? anyway.

as long ugetsu doesn't expect so much mobility from idea, then maybe they can coexist peacefully. he has no reason to take away the man's joys or luxuries, it allows him to tap into his true essence so as long as idea can see and utilize then ugetsu can do what he wants.

idea smiles, kicking his feet against the floor. it sounds fun to him. ]

If you want to play your instrument, you can. I'd be your audience.

so it seems.

and to answer: visually, perhaps.

[ it's probably true but whether serious or make-believe humor, the hypothetical child would be riddled likely with so many physical and mental detriments, that's really the thing ugetsu thinks of after his knee jerk response. then he lets it go because it is a joke isn't it. well either way... ]

convenient, as if i couldn't, i really would have to decline your generous offer.

Don't worry, I won't let you play alone. I don't see why you would want to.

[ that makes him curious, just as much as the "visually" on the question of a child. it's so specific that idea thinks that the other must have concerns about the other parts of the make believed child.

oh, he shouldn't worry about such things when idea has so much control. ]

Has it always been this difficult to get a "yes" out of you? They call men like you hard to get. Haha.

i don't often receive questions yes is an answer i'd be willing to give.

do they?

[ and then, a moment later, ]

playing alone doesn't bother me. practice goes more smoothly that way, typically.

You should say yes to me more often, it could make your life a little more interesting.

[ he's not asking for ugetsu to pay attention to him, rather to indulge him a little more. if he can smoke as much as he does, there's other questionable choices to also take up.

well, idea wouldn't want to be labeled as something questionable. ]

Why is that? You must be pulling my leg, but I do want to see you practice. I'm sure there's some way I could help.

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