[Some part of Akihiko had to know from the moment he put his arms around Ugetsu he would never truly possess him, he also knew that no matter where he went in life, what he did, he would never stop trying to. It's like the thinnest thread, but unbreakable, it is in the way it binds him to Ugetsu. Strings can be broken but not this one, this one threaded through him as he saw a young man play with a passion he never knew existed, watched him swim in emotions so crushingly deep it looked as if they would bury him under their weight.
It embedded, dug in when Akihiko put his arms around that young man when he let fingers pierce his skin because he could not resist, can not, in some ways does not want to resist trying to burn himself into Ugetsu, to drag him from that swirling abyss he seems to sink into and clutch him to himself. To use the turbulent rains of spring to douse the fire of Autumn and let Ugetsu bloom, but he did bloom, or he blossomed too soon, Akihiko does not know anymore.
All he knows is that he loves the burning autumn bloom, and he can never stop. Rather it brings his destruction; rather, it is his hell; the love consumes him, and more often than not, he is its willing victim. He does not want to find himself in the hands of another lover; he wants Ugetsu, unabashedly even those who have taken him to try and love him over these years have known it, he does not hide it.
Maybe this is why they are so turbulent, what would their lives have been if not for the intertwining of two impossible seasons, a thunderstorm of spring against a burning autumn fire, crashing, burning with no way to go back. Harder the hand says and harder he gives, leaving his marks now against the soft skin covering Ugetsu's body.
Everything about them is a contradiction at times, a plea for harder from rough fingertips in his hair, a loving touch as broad hands warm skin they have known a hundred times yet craves as he did that first time. Teeth that finally give, bleeding some of that resentment locked inside of him for the pain they have inflicted, bringing it to physical manifestation.
Each of them leaving their marks, if there is another lover in the next days, they will know the claim of mine always burned on Akihiko's heart now burned into his body in the shape of fingernails, his left on Ugetsu in the form of a bite meant to cause pain, meant to cause pleasure in the way only they can.
For Akihiko no one will ever compare, he will try, with the way they push and pull it will happen time and again but inevitably he believes he will be drawn back to a shadowed basement that holds memories of a sunlight practice room within its walls and his first love, the one his heart called to from the first meeting.
Rather, he is enough or not, only Ugetsu can stop him from trying to be, from moving lower, marking claims with teeth across collar bone, done to chest where a soft bud is caught, tugged, teased, loved but not with a gentle hand, it's with that passion that Akihiko once used to play the violin. If the song can not be theirs then he will lock Ugetsu in this dance as long as he can.]
LMFDSKJDS YOURE MAKING ME WANT TO RE-VISIT HIS MUCH FEWER PAGES & DO MORE LLLFMDSL
[ one of ugetsu's flings once commented that the softness of him was strange and when ugetsu asked why, wreathed in smoke and dark pitiless eyes and half-distraction, the man had the nerve to pinch his cigarette for himself, and simply say after a moment: because you're not soft. ugetsu had laughed and left his very lovely flat with the notes of his upcoming concerto in his head and a shrug of carelessness in his general movement as if to say: well of course not.
a lie detector and the world's best psychic might have a better time of getting to the real truth of course: ugetsu is soft and he is not soft. ugetsu is music and he is the dead silence of the sky bleeding blue down into his dark eyes saying: you are just waiting to become a part of me aren't you? ugetsu is the rain and he is the moon and he is the eight-span-crow and he is just a person. fallible. flawed. borderline fictional with his warp and weft of lies micro-stitched with truths he no longer can differentiate from.
for example, this: i love him to death.
akihiko uses his teeth and his hands the way ugetsu requires: mercilessly.
once, in one of their more recent arguments, akihiko grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise and ugetsu slapped him hard enough to split the skin under his eye even with his short well kept nails and the words spat back and forth weren't new at all. but ugetsu remembers some of the repetitions more than others.
"i'm trying to help you!"
"i never asked for that!"
and the thing about ugetsu is, as far as both of them can probably tell?
he never will.
someone once posited that ugetsu could be bleeding out on the floor with a fully charged phone at hand and he wouldn't use it.
they weren't wrong.
there is a fine line between daring life to leave him and living life to its very edge.
ugetsu might not know any other point on the map.
when they are like this though it matters maybe a little less or at least can be ignored in favor of the painful bow of ugetsu's body, the arc of his back as if to press more of himself into akihiko's mouth, his tongue, his teeth, the shivered heat of his exhales and any sounds he might mete into ugetsu the same as a song would do. because as much as aki gives him like this, like this, ugetsu will swallow it all, will open up just to pull him down. over and over. his legs hook up against akihiko's waist, a premature motion as akihiko lost his shirt but not his pants; sounds like a you problem, ugetsu thinks with wild humor and draws his hand down to akihiko's nape where he curls tight and meaningful. the other falls into the sheets easily enough, twists in the contrasting cool of the cotton there.
a few times, just to irritate him, ugetsu suggested akihiko stick around when he had someone else over. predictably, akihiko never did. but if he had he might have learned a few things, not the least of which is this: no one unravels ugetsu quite like akihiko. sex can be fine enough and often it is. ugetsu tends not to say no if he likes their face or -- more rarely -- their sound. but the supine arch of his body and the near desperate breathlessness and the moan that's as inherent in ugetsu's voice as it is in the tremble of his fingertips like akihiko is only so many strings -- these are only for him. the others don't care enough, you see, to hear or see him the way aki does.
probably no one ever will.]
Ahhh...ha... [ his laugh is stolen summer heat and yet he wears it well, the lilt like the curl of his smoke and the pause of his violin practice when it rains. ] ...I wonder why.
[ he doesn't finish that thought out loud but maybe akihiko can tell.
i wonder why you always give me what i ask.
and,
i wonder for how much longer yo will. ]
I have been doing that slowly over the days to make ones for our thread and future threads XD
[ooc: ran away to the woods my apologies again for the length of time this took to get to you.]
-------------------------
[Perhaps that is part of it for Akihiko he knows what Ugetsu is and is not, it's not that he does not see the humanness, the flaws of him, the deep darkness, the bright light, everything that he exudes, Akihiko sees it. In startling hues, it blinds him, binds him, and altogether seems to be the symphony that controls his life. As Ugetsu's sway rises and falls like the moon, Akihiko is like the tide, forever beholden to its call, answering, giving it what it wants.
It is giving Ugetsu what he wants, even if every part he gives can seem as if it will make him bleed. Perhaps he no longer knows who he is without the sweet torment that is this love, so lost under it that to feel another in his heart seems impossible.
Forever the question, the request, the need to save Ugetsu even as he knows, the other does not want him to. He is fighting what may be a losing battle, yet like the war-torn soldier, he continues, the beats of his heart his battle drum. The soft release of stolen summer as Ugetsu laughs are his war horn.
The soft exhales, whispers of sheets, sounds of skin, mouths touching, the perfect arch of that seeming delicate body that he may not know is only for him; they are his battle cry. The only way to feel alive for him is when it's like this. Marks, from fights, from lovemaking, from years of twisting into each other's soul, are wounds that he wears with a sense of desperation.
How many times does he return after one of those fights, after one of those taunts to stay, to see Ugetsu take what he wants from another lover, from another body? Because he can not stop himself, for Akihiko, there is no place far enough because Ugetsu is buried with him.
Legs around his waist, drawing him remind him he is too covered, it's nothing to undo them, a dance he knows as he has often become too engrossed in Ugetsu to think of things such as his pants till they hinder the feel of the other against him. It's a shift, a draw of teeth across skin as toes hook fabric and hips rise to shift his long legs free, kicking them once he does.
Still, his hands, his mouth, his teeth claim Ugetsu's skin, leaving a mark here, promising another there. Take other lovers it says, I know you will, but remember me. In some part of him, he wants always to burn himself into the violonist, wants any other lover he takes to fall short.
Because for Akihiko it is the same, where else can find this burning passions, the mixture of need, love, desire, hate, music, it's all-consuming, and when he finally sinks flesh to flesh into the hold of those legs it is all he ever wants.]
Because I can.
[Because I can't I can't let you go I can't hold on to you I can't stop trying to save you I can't stop loving you
The answer is as it has been, always, in some way Akihiko will belong to Ugetsu, and in truth, it will be no surprise to him that if always, he returns here to this place, to give Ugetsu what he wants, as he has ever done, even if it is the very heart in his chest.]
/im in love with the scene all icons of this sort are from sob so i just /uses them forever haha >>
[the only way ugetsu can be plainly honest is like this: bodies almost meanly crashed and collided together, the pale lengths of ugetsu's legs as much a chokehold as a lover's keen, his breathy half laugh twisted into staccato pleasure he only feels with akihiko even if he never admits it. and well, that's not very honest after all is it? but akihiko isn't stupid and they both know it; they know without excuses what they do to each other and they have never figured out how to stop despite the co-existing knowledge that it would be 'better' for them, 'healthier', 'less toxic' such are the words ugetsu's one-night stands use and perhaps - he imagines - akihiko's friends.
but friends? ugetsu doesn't want to be friends.
ugetsu wants akihiko to swallow him up and leave nothing left but the sound of their violin practice. ugetsu wants akihiko to leave him to decay because it's what he deserves. ugetsu wants akihiko to kiss him on the mouth the way the sun rises low like lover's hands across the ocean every day without fail over and over. ugetsu wants. he wants so much it hurts and it's unbearable and it makes him feel alive and wonder what it would be like if he wasn't. since he was a child he's been fascinated by the notion. the divide between life and death is so very small. perhaps that's one reason he's so enthralled with sato mafuyu, the boy who let summer help him live with his ghosts. but ugetsu knows that's different. ugetsu knows to feel responsible for a ghost and to become one oneself, well, those are incapacitatingly different things.
of the things ugetsu's body knows, there are only two he has hurt over and been hurt over and will yet hurt again: the violin and akihiko.
but even when it hurts, he loves it.
if akihiko loves him roughly, if he presses against ugetsu the way ugetsu has long been the thorn in the side of his heart, if he makes ugetsu gasp and moan his name the way only a soundproofed room can permit...if. it's enough. it's everything. ugetsu will hold onto it until akihiko truly walks away from him. maybe he'll have bloody hands at the end and maybe the blood will be his own and maybe that will be worth all of this too.
for the world, ugetsu plays perfect concertos.
for akihiko, ugetsu becomes the concerto and dares akihiko to stay skilled enough in love enough here enough to play him the right way. ]
Hurry. Aki...
[ as if they don't have all the time in the world.
well. that's true really.
they both know it even if they never say so.
theirs is a relationship that burns at both ends incandescent with a hundred feelings trying to speak over each other.
ugetsu loosens his legs to free akihiko , lets them fall open lightly against the bed leaving his not-boyfriend plenty of room. for one as lethargic as ugetsu can be, he's quite flexible; that would be the sex he has to thank for that, but no need to put too fine a point on it. his gaze is half-mast as he peers up at akihiko, long eyelashes dark and curling, irises improbably bright in the dark of the basement like some hidden truth. he's flushed, panting, the blush in his cheeks the same as in the hollow of his throat and even pink in the tips of his fingers, the sharps of his knees, his whole body supine beneath akihiko in an unmistakably wanton fashion because ugetsu has never been one for shame about this of all things. when he slightly twists his body it seems almost unconscious, the coy turn of his head that makes his hair fall just so, the minute backward tilt of it that offers up his throat again. only the way his hands slide to akihiko's waist gives anything away, matches up with his demand for him to hurry.
but as much as akihiko just gives to him, ugetsu also likes the part of him that denies ugetsu, a thing no one has tried to do before. especially he likes it in bed and he's not sure what that says about himself at all - that he'd rather die than beg anyone for anything if it's an everyday affair, but if he's strung out and trembling in bed with akihiko, well, he wants to be even more so - relishes any time he pulls on his hair or yanks him by his chin or pushes down on his throat just to make him shut up. because only akihiko would dare. it's what makes them such a good match and it's what makes them terrible.
you would never.
wouldn't i?
would you, ugetsu thinks with unintentional wistfulness.
sometimes he hears the song on the old man's radio and sometimes he hears brahms and sometimes he just hears and feels akihiko's voice in his skin. it doesn't matter what he says. ugetsu's body soaks up all of akihiko's words like a starving animal. because he's greedy for anything he'll give him, and even if more people can see it easily with akihiko, it has never made it less true for ugetsu.
the words are water droplets on parched lips, ]
Need you.
[ how convenient, a sad smiling part of him inside thinks: that in bed one can say that and it will be taken just for that meaning and no other.
even if there always, always has been more than one. ]
[Friends? He has bandmates, and all they know is he has a roommate, Akihiko does not hide who he wants, anyone who tries for more with him than a simple night in bed can not deny that Ugestu has his claws in deep, those hands of his may roam. Still, the piercing green eyes never see anyone else. How could then when he is yet indulged in these moments, where those slender legs that wrapped him for the first time so long ago still call to him like a drowning man to shore. The breathy laugh lacing through with the pleasure that only comes from their bodies, knowing each other is addicting; he's never been one to refuse what he wants.
And always, it's Ugetsu, try as he might because so many would say it would be better. It's only here, with those tiny knives of the past and those delicate fingers against his skin, ripping, tearing into his soul, and bleeding him out that he can feel alive. The irony that the very thing that threatens to consume him, ravish him and drown him is the only thing that awakens him. Akihiko knows this; all the wants, all the passions, all the fascinations with the notions of no longer being, they are all among the things that make Ugetsu irresistible and impossible to hold onto entirely at the same time.
As if it is any different for Akihiko, his body knows this pain, knows what will come later, once the passion is spent and the day to day life returns, what will come between this tumble into their desires and the next one. Because there will always be a next one, there is a part of him that believes even if he walks, attempts to move on, this place here. This song will be the one he can never stop humming, the one he can not let go.
It's not if he can, it's not if he will because he can, he will, he may make Ugetsu wait, make it drag out in the way the other drags him because if Akihiko in his love can play Ugetsu, the same can be said for Ugetsu, his fingers, his words, his skin, the taste of his lips are all that control Akihiko, even his love, the pain it brings, the pleasure, it is never if, it is how long can he hold back before he gives precisely what he knows is wanted. Because it is what he wants, they are no longer made for gentle, sunlit practice rooms.
They are darker now, soundproof basements where the sun can not reach, where no one or nothing can invade, be seen, or be heard, except the melody of love, pain, and pleasure they continue to play for each other.
One day maybe it will become if he fears and hopes for it all in one, but even then, can he honestly say that the temptation beneath him will be one he can forever refuse? Or will he only fade for a time before he is drawn back into this embrace?
Would he? He can not say. Can he? Yes, he could. Will you push till I do? Will, we both burn to oblivion and cease to be at the same moment, or will we burn till the tie is broken. The latter seems impossible; there is forever a hook, drawn with thread, leading to the other where another angle sinks in. Their hearts are as much one as their bodies even as they try to refuse it, try to deny it, and focus solely on the physical expression of words neither utter anymore.
I love you..
I always will...
Ugetsu knows how to tug his control, how to turn his head, tumble dark locks, the exact look in his eyes that Akihiko can not resist, his skin flushes in the way Aki craves, every inch of him is perfection and destruction in one swoop, the shamelessness is matched in his own body, nothing to hide, they know the deepest, darkest parts of each other.
And still, they both crave, perhaps they crave more because all they hide now are the very things that bind them, their hearts.]
Always so impatient...
[Tonight he is not going to cave, not yet, he is going to take the offered throat, his teeth, his tongue, his lips heavy, leaving their mark, letting the skin blossom with a darker color, the only way he can "claim" any part of the other and he is not going to pass it up.
His muscles shift, sliding, bunching, coiling in response to fingers that tease them, fingers that pull him closer, fingers which he pushes back against, as if to tell them, no, only to slide forward, body to body in a slow, teasing glide, promises of what's to come, of what he won't give till he is ready.
That he'll give it, Ugetsu knows, but he wants to hear it, see it, he wants to force every ounce of confession, of Ugetsu's need for him from his slender frame, then consume each of those needs and sate them as only he can.
In bed, it can, with another lover perhaps, with Akihiko, he hears the truth of it, the fact that keeps him returning, that draws him back ten steps for every two he takes away.
Need me, his touch demands, his fingers sliding into his mouth, two digits dampened, just enough, not more, not less, it can't be too easy, can it. His mouth wears that smug as sin smirk, his green eyes pierce into half-opened ones, they dare, they promise, and rather he wants them to or not, they love.
Always
Lips crash to lips, teeth claiming the top one with a nip, pinching as they let go, in the same touch, fingers enter Ugetsu, corded arms flex, bodies slip across sheets, skin to skin and lips become his playground for the moment, biting here, teasing a tongue ring against nicked flesh, pressing, tasting, taking from Ugetsu in the only way he will let him.]
[ugetsu's favorite partners who aren't akihiko are the ones who treat him so roughly he forgets, just a little, who he is and what he loves and what he really actually needs. ugetsu's favorite music that isn't found underneath his own fingertips is the kind suited to soundproof basements made for one earbud in one ear and one hanging homeless; instead of two shared, because some part of him knows this will probably be his future sooner than later and ugetsu is nothing if not a glutton for punishment. ugetsu's favorite taste that isn't being wanted is being revered the way his audiences do so often: wildly civil in their well pressed suits and beautiful dresses and expensive accessories but all with the same wolf teeth and hungry hands that are never ever allowed to touch him.
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
[Maybe that is it, Ugetsu can turn all his other lovers into nothing more than pleasure and a body, he can not turn Aki into that, there are too many marks, too much history. There is nothing civil, nothing hidden, the deepest, darkest, flawed parts of each full exposed beneath their skin, into the heart of who they are. Tangled by a mass of emotions, good and bad, they are like a whirlwind, and it sends them both spinning for the same reason and yet for different reasons at the same time.
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
[ they say 'don't fix it if it's not broken' about things that are good. and they say to fix it if it breaks. but no one has much of anything to say about things that have simply become weak points all over: here and here and here. everywhere. for aki, for ugetsu, whether they say it, whether they don't, theirs is the kind of touch that shatters even if every scattered piece has some love in it. broken is broken.
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]
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that they are and I love them ...I am already thinking I need 300 150 is not going to be enough ><
It embedded, dug in when Akihiko put his arms around that young man when he let fingers pierce his skin because he could not resist, can not, in some ways does not want to resist trying to burn himself into Ugetsu, to drag him from that swirling abyss he seems to sink into and clutch him to himself. To use the turbulent rains of spring to douse the fire of Autumn and let Ugetsu bloom, but he did bloom, or he blossomed too soon, Akihiko does not know anymore.
All he knows is that he loves the burning autumn bloom, and he can never stop. Rather it brings his destruction; rather, it is his hell; the love consumes him, and more often than not, he is its willing victim. He does not want to find himself in the hands of another lover; he wants Ugetsu, unabashedly even those who have taken him to try and love him over these years have known it, he does not hide it.
Maybe this is why they are so turbulent, what would their lives have been if not for the intertwining of two impossible seasons, a thunderstorm of spring against a burning autumn fire, crashing, burning with no way to go back. Harder the hand says and harder he gives, leaving his marks now against the soft skin covering Ugetsu's body.
Everything about them is a contradiction at times, a plea for harder from rough fingertips in his hair, a loving touch as broad hands warm skin they have known a hundred times yet craves as he did that first time. Teeth that finally give, bleeding some of that resentment locked inside of him for the pain they have inflicted, bringing it to physical manifestation.
Each of them leaving their marks, if there is another lover in the next days, they will know the claim of mine always burned on Akihiko's heart now burned into his body in the shape of fingernails, his left on Ugetsu in the form of a bite meant to cause pain, meant to cause pleasure in the way only they can.
For Akihiko no one will ever compare, he will try, with the way they push and pull it will happen time and again but inevitably he believes he will be drawn back to a shadowed basement that holds memories of a sunlight practice room within its walls and his first love, the one his heart called to from the first meeting.
Rather, he is enough or not, only Ugetsu can stop him from trying to be, from moving lower, marking claims with teeth across collar bone, done to chest where a soft bud is caught, tugged, teased, loved but not with a gentle hand, it's with that passion that Akihiko once used to play the violin. If the song can not be theirs then he will lock Ugetsu in this dance as long as he can.]
LMFDSKJDS YOURE MAKING ME WANT TO RE-VISIT HIS MUCH FEWER PAGES & DO MORE LLLFMDSL
a lie detector and the world's best psychic might have a better time of getting to the real truth of course: ugetsu is soft and he is not soft. ugetsu is music and he is the dead silence of the sky bleeding blue down into his dark eyes saying: you are just waiting to become a part of me aren't you? ugetsu is the rain and he is the moon and he is the eight-span-crow and he is just a person. fallible. flawed. borderline fictional with his warp and weft of lies micro-stitched with truths he no longer can differentiate from.
for example, this: i love him to death.
akihiko uses his teeth and his hands the way ugetsu requires: mercilessly.
once, in one of their more recent arguments, akihiko grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise and ugetsu slapped him hard enough to split the skin under his eye even with his short well kept nails and the words spat back and forth weren't new at all. but ugetsu remembers some of the repetitions more than others.
"i'm trying to help you!"
"i never asked for that!"
and the thing about ugetsu is, as far as both of them can probably tell?
he never will.
someone once posited that ugetsu could be bleeding out on the floor with a fully charged phone at hand and he wouldn't use it.
they weren't wrong.
there is a fine line between daring life to leave him and living life to its very edge.
ugetsu might not know any other point on the map.
when they are like this though it matters maybe a little less or at least can be ignored in favor of the painful bow of ugetsu's body, the arc of his back as if to press more of himself into akihiko's mouth, his tongue, his teeth, the shivered heat of his exhales and any sounds he might mete into ugetsu the same as a song would do. because as much as aki gives him like this, like this, ugetsu will swallow it all, will open up just to pull him down. over and over. his legs hook up against akihiko's waist, a premature motion as akihiko lost his shirt but not his pants; sounds like a you problem, ugetsu thinks with wild humor and draws his hand down to akihiko's nape where he curls tight and meaningful. the other falls into the sheets easily enough, twists in the contrasting cool of the cotton there.
a few times, just to irritate him, ugetsu suggested akihiko stick around when he had someone else over. predictably, akihiko never did. but if he had he might have learned a few things, not the least of which is this: no one unravels ugetsu quite like akihiko. sex can be fine enough and often it is. ugetsu tends not to say no if he likes their face or -- more rarely -- their sound. but the supine arch of his body and the near desperate breathlessness and the moan that's as inherent in ugetsu's voice as it is in the tremble of his fingertips like akihiko is only so many strings -- these are only for him. the others don't care enough, you see, to hear or see him the way aki does.
probably no one ever will.]
Ahhh...ha... [ his laugh is stolen summer heat and yet he wears it well, the lilt like the curl of his smoke and the pause of his violin practice when it rains. ] ...I wonder why.
[ he doesn't finish that thought out loud but maybe akihiko can tell.
i wonder why you always give me what i ask.
and,
i wonder for how much longer yo will. ]
I have been doing that slowly over the days to make ones for our thread and future threads XD
-------------------------
[Perhaps that is part of it for Akihiko he knows what Ugetsu is and is not, it's not that he does not see the humanness, the flaws of him, the deep darkness, the bright light, everything that he exudes, Akihiko sees it. In startling hues, it blinds him, binds him, and altogether seems to be the symphony that controls his life. As Ugetsu's sway rises and falls like the moon, Akihiko is like the tide, forever beholden to its call, answering, giving it what it wants.
It is giving Ugetsu what he wants, even if every part he gives can seem as if it will make him bleed. Perhaps he no longer knows who he is without the sweet torment that is this love, so lost under it that to feel another in his heart seems impossible.
Forever the question, the request, the need to save Ugetsu even as he knows, the other does not want him to. He is fighting what may be a losing battle, yet like the war-torn soldier, he continues, the beats of his heart his battle drum. The soft release of stolen summer as Ugetsu laughs are his war horn.
The soft exhales, whispers of sheets, sounds of skin, mouths touching, the perfect arch of that seeming delicate body that he may not know is only for him; they are his battle cry. The only way to feel alive for him is when it's like this. Marks, from fights, from lovemaking, from years of twisting into each other's soul, are wounds that he wears with a sense of desperation.
How many times does he return after one of those fights, after one of those taunts to stay, to see Ugetsu take what he wants from another lover, from another body? Because he can not stop himself, for Akihiko, there is no place far enough because Ugetsu is buried with him.
Legs around his waist, drawing him remind him he is too covered, it's nothing to undo them, a dance he knows as he has often become too engrossed in Ugetsu to think of things such as his pants till they hinder the feel of the other against him. It's a shift, a draw of teeth across skin as toes hook fabric and hips rise to shift his long legs free, kicking them once he does.
Still, his hands, his mouth, his teeth claim Ugetsu's skin, leaving a mark here, promising another there. Take other lovers it says, I know you will, but remember me. In some part of him, he wants always to burn himself into the violonist, wants any other lover he takes to fall short.
Because for Akihiko it is the same, where else can find this burning passions, the mixture of need, love, desire, hate, music, it's all-consuming, and when he finally sinks flesh to flesh into the hold of those legs it is all he ever wants.]
Because I can.
[Because I can't
I can't let you go
I can't hold on to you
I can't stop trying to save you
I can't stop loving you
The answer is as it has been, always, in some way Akihiko will belong to Ugetsu, and in truth, it will be no surprise to him that if always, he returns here to this place, to give Ugetsu what he wants, as he has ever done, even if it is the very heart in his chest.]
/im in love with the scene all icons of this sort are from sob so i just /uses them forever haha >>
but friends? ugetsu doesn't want to be friends.
ugetsu wants akihiko to swallow him up and leave nothing left but the sound of their violin practice. ugetsu wants akihiko to leave him to decay because it's what he deserves. ugetsu wants akihiko to kiss him on the mouth the way the sun rises low like lover's hands across the ocean every day without fail over and over. ugetsu wants. he wants so much it hurts and it's unbearable and it makes him feel alive and wonder what it would be like if he wasn't. since he was a child he's been fascinated by the notion. the divide between life and death is so very small. perhaps that's one reason he's so enthralled with sato mafuyu, the boy who let summer help him live with his ghosts. but ugetsu knows that's different. ugetsu knows to feel responsible for a ghost and to become one oneself, well, those are incapacitatingly different things.
of the things ugetsu's body knows, there are only two he has hurt over and been hurt over and will yet hurt again: the violin and akihiko.
but even when it hurts, he loves it.
if akihiko loves him roughly, if he presses against ugetsu the way ugetsu has long been the thorn in the side of his heart, if he makes ugetsu gasp and moan his name the way only a soundproofed room can permit...if. it's enough. it's everything. ugetsu will hold onto it until akihiko truly walks away from him. maybe he'll have bloody hands at the end and maybe the blood will be his own and maybe that will be worth all of this too.
for the world, ugetsu plays perfect concertos.
for akihiko, ugetsu becomes the concerto and dares akihiko to stay skilled enough in love enough here enough to play him the right way. ]
Hurry. Aki...
[ as if they don't have all the time in the world.
well. that's true really.
they both know it even if they never say so.
theirs is a relationship that burns at both ends incandescent with a hundred feelings trying to speak over each other.
ugetsu loosens his legs to free akihiko , lets them fall open lightly against the bed leaving his not-boyfriend plenty of room. for one as lethargic as ugetsu can be, he's quite flexible; that would be the sex he has to thank for that, but no need to put too fine a point on it. his gaze is half-mast as he peers up at akihiko, long eyelashes dark and curling, irises improbably bright in the dark of the basement like some hidden truth. he's flushed, panting, the blush in his cheeks the same as in the hollow of his throat and even pink in the tips of his fingers, the sharps of his knees, his whole body supine beneath akihiko in an unmistakably wanton fashion because ugetsu has never been one for shame about this of all things. when he slightly twists his body it seems almost unconscious, the coy turn of his head that makes his hair fall just so, the minute backward tilt of it that offers up his throat again. only the way his hands slide to akihiko's waist gives anything away, matches up with his demand for him to hurry.
but as much as akihiko just gives to him, ugetsu also likes the part of him that denies ugetsu, a thing no one has tried to do before. especially he likes it in bed and he's not sure what that says about himself at all - that he'd rather die than beg anyone for anything if it's an everyday affair, but if he's strung out and trembling in bed with akihiko, well, he wants to be even more so - relishes any time he pulls on his hair or yanks him by his chin or pushes down on his throat just to make him shut up. because only akihiko would dare. it's what makes them such a good match and it's what makes them terrible.
you would never.
wouldn't i?
would you, ugetsu thinks with unintentional wistfulness.
sometimes he hears the song on the old man's radio and sometimes he hears brahms and sometimes he just hears and feels akihiko's voice in his skin. it doesn't matter what he says. ugetsu's body soaks up all of akihiko's words like a starving animal. because he's greedy for anything he'll give him, and even if more people can see it easily with akihiko, it has never made it less true for ugetsu.
the words are water droplets on parched lips, ]
Need you.
[ how convenient, a sad smiling part of him inside thinks: that in bed one can say that and it will be taken just for that meaning and no other.
even if there always, always has been more than one. ]
You and me both I have similar icons >>
And always, it's Ugetsu, try as he might because so many would say it would be better. It's only here, with those tiny knives of the past and those delicate fingers against his skin, ripping, tearing into his soul, and bleeding him out that he can feel alive. The irony that the very thing that threatens to consume him, ravish him and drown him is the only thing that awakens him. Akihiko knows this; all the wants, all the passions, all the fascinations with the notions of no longer being, they are all among the things that make Ugetsu irresistible and impossible to hold onto entirely at the same time.
As if it is any different for Akihiko, his body knows this pain, knows what will come later, once the passion is spent and the day to day life returns, what will come between this tumble into their desires and the next one. Because there will always be a next one, there is a part of him that believes even if he walks, attempts to move on, this place here. This song will be the one he can never stop humming, the one he can not let go.
It's not if he can, it's not if he will because he can, he will, he may make Ugetsu wait, make it drag out in the way the other drags him because if Akihiko in his love can play Ugetsu, the same can be said for Ugetsu, his fingers, his words, his skin, the taste of his lips are all that control Akihiko, even his love, the pain it brings, the pleasure, it is never if, it is how long can he hold back before he gives precisely what he knows is wanted. Because it is what he wants, they are no longer made for gentle, sunlit practice rooms.
They are darker now, soundproof basements where the sun can not reach, where no one or nothing can invade, be seen, or be heard, except the melody of love, pain, and pleasure they continue to play for each other.
One day maybe it will become if he fears and hopes for it all in one, but even then, can he honestly say that the temptation beneath him will be one he can forever refuse? Or will he only fade for a time before he is drawn back into this embrace?
Would he? He can not say. Can he? Yes, he could. Will you push till I do? Will, we both burn to oblivion and cease to be at the same moment, or will we burn till the tie is broken. The latter seems impossible; there is forever a hook, drawn with thread, leading to the other where another angle sinks in. Their hearts are as much one as their bodies even as they try to refuse it, try to deny it, and focus solely on the physical expression of words neither utter anymore.
I love you..
I always will...
Ugetsu knows how to tug his control, how to turn his head, tumble dark locks, the exact look in his eyes that Akihiko can not resist, his skin flushes in the way Aki craves, every inch of him is perfection and destruction in one swoop, the shamelessness is matched in his own body, nothing to hide, they know the deepest, darkest parts of each other.
And still, they both crave, perhaps they crave more because all they hide now are the very things that bind them, their hearts.]
Always so impatient...
[Tonight he is not going to cave, not yet, he is going to take the offered throat, his teeth, his tongue, his lips heavy, leaving their mark, letting the skin blossom with a darker color, the only way he can "claim" any part of the other and he is not going to pass it up.
His muscles shift, sliding, bunching, coiling in response to fingers that tease them, fingers that pull him closer, fingers which he pushes back against, as if to tell them, no, only to slide forward, body to body in a slow, teasing glide, promises of what's to come, of what he won't give till he is ready.
That he'll give it, Ugetsu knows, but he wants to hear it, see it, he wants to force every ounce of confession, of Ugetsu's need for him from his slender frame, then consume each of those needs and sate them as only he can.
In bed, it can, with another lover perhaps, with Akihiko, he hears the truth of it, the fact that keeps him returning, that draws him back ten steps for every two he takes away.
Need me, his touch demands, his fingers sliding into his mouth, two digits dampened, just enough, not more, not less, it can't be too easy, can it. His mouth wears that smug as sin smirk, his green eyes pierce into half-opened ones, they dare, they promise, and rather he wants them to or not, they love.
Always
Lips crash to lips, teeth claiming the top one with a nip, pinching as they let go, in the same touch, fingers enter Ugetsu, corded arms flex, bodies slip across sheets, skin to skin and lips become his playground for the moment, biting here, teasing a tongue ring against nicked flesh, pressing, tasting, taking from Ugetsu in the only way he will let him.]
<< birds of a feather flock together...
around when he started performing and traveling, ugetsu learned fast that there were those who would 'connect' him with various venues and opportunities expecting more than his stage presence. he became well versed in the words that sounded like 'yes' but were always 'no'. sometimes he uses that voice on akihiko because it's true that some part of ugetsu has always wanted to be the one wielding the knife, and sometimes he wants to press it in against the vitality of the one person he loves; sometimes he wants to turn it on himself as a threat but it wouldn't work. not on the boy who sat by the river and thought: it's a good day to die. ugetsu holds the knife as well with his teeth as with his beautiful hands. he holds akihiko similarly.
if he turned him against him, what then? it's not like he hasn't been trying, but there's always been that reassurance: he'll never really leave me. he would never abandon the violin. he wouldn't dare.
it's too convoluted now, for ugetsu to notice how his own thoughts warp and melt over and confuse themselves, almost in a form of self defense.
when akihiko's fingers push into him ugetsu arches his hips to take them in deeper and faster without the subconscious kindness akihiko can't seem to wholly rid himself of. don't be nice to me ugetsu often thinks with a smile that's not a smile; don't you fucking dare. because he doesn't deserve it. i don't want it. the biggest lies, they say, are the ones we tell ourselves.
ugetsu knows.]
Aki...
[the way akihiko keeps one of his hands pinned while his fingers work ugetsu open is as indicative of what akihiko demands as it is of what ugetsu allows him. none of this would happen otherwise. the way akihiko bites and sucks against his lower lip makes ugetsu moan like it hurts, as if he's not all but grinding down too hard and fast against akihiko's fingers, like he's warning him he'll get himself off just like this if he doesn't just hurry up. because just as akihiko vies to make him wait, ugetsu fights tooth and nail as if to say: you'll have to try harder than that.
in the messy gasp and stealing of breath between kisses, ugetsu has the temerity to laugh breathy and high and impossibly turned on because that's how it is with them. no one gives or take as good as they do; even if they don't admit it.]
Is that bassist making you softer, mmm Aki? So gentle. But I guess, haaa, [he peers up at akihiko through his lashes,]...I guess you already were.
[to someone else this might sound cheap. ugetsu even himself isn't sure that it...well, isn't. but sometimes cheap shots are exactly what ugetsu is about. he's not the kind to get into a back alley fight but if he did he'd never play fair. because he doesn't want to and also because he feels like he's already lost even if consciously he doesn't acknowledge that. it's the primitive instinct of all or nothing, knowing that even when you get 'all', it's only still the prelude to the nothing. struggling his hand out of akihiko's grasp, it's natural as anything for ugetsu to curl his fingers up hard against akihiko's throat, to press his fingertips sharp and feel his perfectly manicured nails press into his skin like he wants to crush him.
he does.
then that hand smooths with dissonant sweetness backwards to curl at akihiko's nape and drag him down for another kiss that ugetsu stops smiling into, the more honest expression hidden because there's no way aki can see this close: the flicker flash of sadness even ugetsu doesn't know he still harbors on the surface.
ugetsu's words aren't even entirely true. most people would not call the minimal preparation and then the hooked press of akihiko's fingers before 'gentle'. but this is ugetsu and this is akihiko. this is the soundproof basement that thirsts for the sun it already built itself against. this is the epitome of not enough --
-- never enough.
akihiko is fragile though, in his own way. ugetsu knows if he asked him to hurt him, he couldn't, not on purpose. so ugetsu strings him along as best he knows how -- very -- and corners him into the same kind of unforgiving head-on collision he experiences every time he says his name. he's ruining him every time and in that same essence, ugetsu demands reciprocity.
teeth. nails. blood.
but never tears. ]
now and forever
Ugetsu fatalistic, looking to his last moments, losing Akihiko, the darkness, the inevitable separation, they can not have both mentalities. It is either the violin or Akihiko for him, after all. Whereas for Aki, it is about keeping Ugetsu, loving, claiming, the music they make together as pair, not the separation no matter how inevitable it may feel the more they cling to this.
He could turn Akihiko against him; it almost seems like this is bound to happen with as much as he tries. The thing is, even the sharpest of weapon can dull with time. Would it matter how deep Ugetsu cut or how hard he ripped at that bond between them when no matter how far he “ran,” eventually would he not be drawn home?
To the hands that know how to hold him properly, if harshly. He may leave, maybe is already trying to, but in the end, this is his end, and it’s here he will come back to before the final note of his life plays.
After all, does that final note not belong to Ugetsu in so many ways, he is the one who began this song, who wrote the first notes, and has since played Akihiko as expertly as he could ever the violin, though, in many ways, Ugetsu has played himself as well, for he is not immune to the feelings, as much as he may behave otherwise.
Then it is like he says the magic words; he always does know just how to get what he wants because the moment the word bassist comes from Ugetsu’s lips, those fingers of his scissor apart, harshly stretching the other’s body so the can fit himself inside.
Teeth snare skin, nicking enough this time to break a layer of skin lightly. Not truly cruel, because he loves too much for that even now. But there is nothing tender in it, the reminder Ugetsu has just given him is like poison in his veins, festering, gnawing at him, and he wants to deny it, wants to focus on the here and now.]
Jealousy doesn’t become you…
[It is enough, one hand finds the lubricant, applying it to himself only, Ugetsu may want rough, he may want pain, but Akihiko is not going to chafe himself to provide it. It is also a small show of kindness, something he can never quite let go of. His fingers pull free, his hands roughly grip the violinist, raising his hips, it’s a single, hard, deep thrust, and he fills him. There is no gradual, no inch by inch, it as it always has been with them, all or nothing.]
I’ll show you soft…
[The rhythm is one they know well, Akihiko not bothering to pace his hips, but instead, taking Ugetsu, crashing their bodies together with the same way their souls seem to, messy, hard, slightly painful as the friction builds up, there was preparation but not nearly enough to make it completely comfortable. Because Ugetsu would never want that, would he? Then there are lips on his, a kiss he knows, an expression he can sense even if it is hidden.
And he is claimed again, still angry, still hurt, still fragile, but once again it’s Ugetsu and Ugetsu alone who consumes as they come together and Akihiko knows, whatever steps he took away, he has run back twice as many.
Never enough, yet he can never stop.
Maybe he will never be enough, but he will try.
Till he has nothing left within him to give, he will try for this, for Ugetsu, even as they lash out in their intimate moments, a jab at each other, find those pricks of skin to make this hurt just a little more.
Pain and pleasure have all become one for them. Where one begins and the other ends are so blurred now they are a cacophony of moments, sounds, their lives, played out now across each other's bodies.]
t h e y !!!!!!
yet even that way, ugetsu wants it.
there is a place in him that no one else will ever touch. he's known it for years; he's known it all along.
he'll never say it of course.
instead he clings and claws into akihiko with his fingernails, with his kisses more teeth than anything else, with the persona of his own laughter that takes the place of more vulnerable things he will not permit. the number of people ugetsu has slept with is not insignificant but none of them are aki and so they always end up here. he knows it won't be the same for his first and maybe last love. there is already someone else in the periphery with the ability to inspire change and growth in aki in the same way ugetsu choked it out.
strangled love is still airless, after all.
maybe the only give ugetsu offers these days is when he comes apart under akihiko, the way he gasps his name: aki, aki, i -. he can never finish that sentence. it would be mutated beyond recognition regardless of the words wouldn't it? but the way ugetsu unravels under him is hot and open and demanding, is the fingertip touch on the back of aki's neck that curls and guides him to press his mouth to where he will undoubtedly feel ugetsu's pulse too fast in his throat, the threshold of panic: don't leave don't leave don't leave.
leave.
liquid heat and a song that's never quite right, ugetsu sighs beneath him and angles his mouth to aki's ear, takes it between his teeth and hums. it's as good as permission for him to keep going until he's satisfied too, but even saying 'go ahead' is beyond ugetsu right now, his breaths still uneven and a bit too fast, trying to be a little less obsessed and failing every time. ]